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5 Things I Learned From Dating an Asexual Guy

5 Things I Learned From Dating an Asexual Guy

5 Things I Learned From Dating an Asexual Guy

There are so many misconceptions.


As a bi-and-proud woman, people never fully get my sexuality. Before now, I thought bisexuality was the least understood in our LGBTQ+ community.

And then there was Ben. We’d met at a pub (I’m English and we’re bound by law to only meet in pubs over warm beer) and started dating immediately. But when date five went by with yet another cordial kiss on the cheek, I started to get just a little bit insecure.

Turns out, Ben was asexual. Only he didn’t understand it quite yet. But here’s what he and I know now.

1. Touch Is Something They Can Enjoy.

Being asexual meant that Ben had no interest in having intercourse with me — but that didn't mean that cuddling was out of the question. After I picked myself up from the sheer flattery of it, he told me that didn’t mean he wasn’t affectionate. OK, it was slightly insulting when he flinched if I went to hug him, but if he was in the mood for snuggles he would initiate it. If I tried to, he’d look like he was having a hot poker rammed in his ribs.

“So why even date?” I asked.

“Do I have to choose between having sex and being alone?” he replied.

A good point.

2. Asexuality Is A Totally Valid Sexuality.

Ben believed it was down to a go-karting accident at 8 years old as to why he couldn’t... perform. So I asked him how he felt about sex in his mind, not his body.

He described watching sex scenes in films as, “Like you would feel after watching someone have their teeth pulled out” and as I felt that cringing grimace, I started to get the asexual mindset.

Asexuality is not down to a harrowing childhood experience or a fault in your brain. Some people are simply born that way. I get asked often what it’s like to have a twin, and my answer is always “Well, I wouldn’t know. What’s it like not to have a twin?” and the same could be applied to Ben. How would he know what it’s like to have a different sexuality than his own?

3. They Do Have A Physical Attraction To You.

OK, so we weren’t having sex. Not even holding hands for that matter (I tried once and he frowned furiously until I stopped) but when I finally asked him, Ben said he did have an attraction to me. He felt compelled to be around me and, in his words, “I like to look at you. It makes me happier.” But that the physical reaction simply wasn’t sexual. He called me his safe place. Which made me melt a little and want to hug him. Enter Hot-Poker-Rib-Face again.

I was one step up from a friend and, for him that was very intimate. Sleeping in the same bed took him a while to get used to and I’d often wake up to an empty bed and a text saying “Had to go to work” when he later admitted that he just couldn’t sleep that close to someone… He was unable to relax.

“Like someone with arachnophobia having to hold a spider in his palms for 7 hours” he explained to me. It made him squirm. Physical contact and intimacy for an asexual must be on their terms.

4. They Crave A Relationship As Much As Anyone Else.

Eventually, we did sleep in the same bed, just no touching, and Ben said he loved that. Waking up with someone - that intimate companionship - is the emotional side of love. He still craved that. He still felt love but just not the sexual side.

We loved every minute of each other’s company and spent every spare moment we could together. He was more than happy in our “Couple bubble” with our inside jokes and secret looks. He just didn’t care about my tits.

5. They Feel Guilty (But Shouldn’t).

Ben and I would sit for hours and demolish bottle after bottle of red wine into the late hours, laughing so hard my chest ached. He was perfect for me. My ideal match. Except for that one thing that was missing…

Ben suffered with an aching depression as he never saw himself living a “normal” life because who would want him the way he was? He felt this was a huge flaw in his personality and felt guilty that it may be making me feel unwanted.

He didn’t find the idea of sex disgusting or revolting. To him, asexuality was the absence of sexual desire, not the revulsion of it. He simply felt nothing about it.

Our bubble was very cozy. Removing sex from a relationship made us bond, very fast, and within 2 months I couldn’t remember not having him in my life. But I refused to agree to exclusivity as I couldn’t imagine myself in a sexless relationship forever.

And that’s where it ended. After three months we went our separate ways. Ben still doesn’t talk about his asexuality, as he doesn’t know anyone else like him. It’s easier to blame a go-karting accident than label yourself as different, but on the inside, he was relieved. He could finally pinpoint that confusing part of himself. It wasn’t because he was broken. What a relief to know there’s nothing wrong with him! He’s just in a minority.

Asexuality is one of the least talked about pockets of our community, mainly because some asexuals don’t even realize that it’s a thing! It’s all about awareness and acceptance. And isn’t that what we’re all fighting for? Let’s do it together.

About the Author: E J Rosetta is an LGBT Columnist and coffee addict living in Hampshire with her spoiled cat, Hendricks. More ramblings can be found on Facebook or via Twitter

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Ej Rosetta

EJ is a gin enthusiast, cat lover and perpetually single coffee addict, who happens to have a super cool accent.

EJ is a gin enthusiast, cat lover and perpetually single coffee addict, who happens to have a super cool accent.