Most of us can probably agree that it’s totally weird and creepy to place a huge amount of value on the virginity of women and girls (virginity meaning, typically, penis-in-vagina hetero sex), because women don’t lose value when they “lose” their virginity. The whole “gold star lesbian” thing places those same values of “purity” on lesbians who haven’t slept with men. A woman’s value shouldn’t have anything to do with whom she has or hasn’t slept with, regardless of what community she’s in.
We live in a messed up heteronormative world that puts enormous pressure on women to partner up with men, and some lesbians do just that before they come out. It doesn’t change the fact that those lesbians are still only attracted to women, and we shouldn’t imply their sexuality is less legitimate, or that their attraction to women is any less pure.
The idea that never sleeping with a man is the standard we should all strive to live up to plays into the idea that bisexual women are less desirable for lesbians to date, since they’re not as “pure” in their sexual desires or experiences.
Placing so much value on the “gold star” can make lesbians who have never had sex with men, but who have been raped by men, feel far more uncomfortable talking about their experience with other lesbians, because the “gold star” is so tied into ideas of status and purity.
While “gold star lesbian” really just means a lesbian who has never slept with a man, penis is often equated with man in lesbian communities, and invoking the “gross out” effect of certain genitalia in “gold star” conversations is common. (We see it played for humor in online videos where lesbians touch a penis for the first time.) Here’s the thing: no one really cares what genitalia your girlfriend has, and no one really cares who you date. But don’t exclude trans lesbians, or the cis lesbians who date them from your definition of “ideal” or “real” lesbians.