17 simple tips for new bottoms you need to know

Stay ready, be ready.

Bottoming. It's a big part of queer life and yet very often folks go into the experience with less information than they need. And that's a problem. The question is, why is it still a problem?

"We live in a society where sex is still considered taboo, and queer sex, or sex between two queer people, is particularly taboo. That’s in part why sex education courses rarely talk about sex between men or anal sex," Zachary Zane, sex + relationship expert for #LubeLife tells PRIDE. "This stuff just isn’t taught or spoken about. It’s somehow expected for you to figure it out on your own, which isn’t ideal. So yes, it’s very common to have misconceptions and unanswered questions about bottoming."

If you've found your way here odds are you're either new to bottoming or have never tried it but are curious about giving it a go. You're not alone. “It’s extremely common to be nervous, curious, and excited about bottoming. It’s an experience that can feel absolutely incredible, but there’s also the potential for a lot to go wrong,” says Zane. “That’s why it’s so important to gather as much information on bottoming before you have it the first time, so you can increase the likelihood of having a positive, sexually fulfilling experience.”

Since modern sex ed fails to cover same-sex or anal play, mainstream media tends to treat the topic as taboo. As it is, here are simple tips that will help you find all the joys bottoming can give.

1. Let go of the shame

There's a lot of stigma and shame around being a bottom. It takes submissiveness and allowing someone else to be in control (for the most part, anyway). If you stay wrapped up in the bottom-shaming, it's more likely to lead to resistance, which will make it that much harder to enjoy.

"To let go and let loose is so very important to be able to enjoy bottoming, so leave all the shame outside of bed, have lots of foreplay to be put in the right state of mind and relax, and go freaky and enjoy the experience!" Sofie Roos, a licensed sexologist and relationship therapist & author at Passionerad tells PRIDE. Remember, you're actually the more powerful one in the situation, and you should be proud!

2. Lube is your best friend

There's no such thing as too much lube. Especially for your first few times, you want to be as lubricated as possible, to help your man slip right in. "I’d specifically add that you should use silicone lube, such as #Lufelife’s Ultra Slick Thick Silicone Lubricant. The anus, unlike the vagina, does not self-lubricate," suggests Zane. "So you want a thicker, more viscous lube for anal sex, so you don’t have to constantly reapply."

3. Cut your fingernails

Are they cut now? Good. Now cut them shorter and file the jagged edges. "Bottoming often includes fingering as a part of the foreplay, so cut your nails so you don’t hurt your partner," says Roos. You will want finger yourself to loosen up, and long nails could scratch you. Your nails can’t be too short.

4. Practice in the shower

Now that your nails are freshly manicured, practice fingering yourself in the shower. It will help you get used to the sensation and prepare you for the real deal. "Purchase a small dildo or butt plug, lube up, and get used to the sensation of having something inside your behind. Try to figure out what feels good or doesn’t before you’re with a partner," adds Zane.

5. Fight the urge to clench

"A natural reaction to getting something inserted in the anus is to clench," says Roos. "But doing so will come with lots of pain, so it's crucial to be able to fight against that, something you learn best by practising with a small dildo on your own!

You don’t need to push out either; you just need to relax. Your body will naturally loosen up with repeated penetration.

6. There is pleasure (after the discomfort)

"Anal sex should never be painful," says Zane "Uncomfortable, yes. But painful, no. If you experience pain, you should stop, apply more lube, and go slower (with something smaller), until you relax and loosen up." And in even better news, once you get past that discomfort, there is pleasure.

"You need to be really turned on for the prostate to get as revealed as possible, meaning that by time when you get used to the feeling, start to relax and get more turned on, the prostate will be more stimulated and you’ll get more pleasure!," explains Roos.

Practicing certainly helps so you can be at least a little aware of what you’re getting yourself into, but there’s nothing quite like the real thing once it goes down. Just be kind to yourself and enjoy the process.

7. Go slow

Take your time to get the whole thing inside you. Don’t start off by letting your partner ram you. "Go slow, much slower than you think you’ll need, will prevent the sex from feeling too intense, so make sure you’re not in a hurry and remind each other of slowing down! You’ll have plenty of time to go intense later, but without going slow at the beginning, you will never get there because the bottom will need to call it off due to pain," says Roos.

So, take as much time as you need to get comfortable, and when things start to feel good, then, and only then, you can ask him to go a little faster and harder (if you’d like).

8. Just breathe

This is a super important tip. A lot of times, especially when there’s discomfort, our natural reaction is just to tense up and stop breathing. Instead, "using your breathing is a great way to relax more, prevent pain and be able to enjoy the moment better, so focus on your breathing and take one deep breath at a time," says Roos.

Slow your breathing at the beginning of sex and focus on nice, long exhales. It will help you stay calm and remind your parasympathetic nervous system that you’re in a safe space.

9. It can feel like you’re pooping

The only other experience you’ve had with your anus thus far in life is pooping. So it’s no surprise that, in the beginning, it often feels like you’re pooping (which is also why you feel a natural urge to clench). "Many people describe the feeling of bottoming as 'pooping backwards,' so to feel as you’re pooping is nothing uncommon, and it doesn't mean that you’re about to poop yourself - that’s simply just the way it feels for many, and the sooner you learn to appreciate that feeling and relax and enjoy it, the quicker you’ll be able to enjoy receiving," advises Roos. The association with pooping will go away with repeated experience.

11. Clean beforehand

This, in part, has to do with psychological pleasure. You won’t be fully present in the moment or enjoy it if you’re worried you’re unclean. "It’s also about actually making the penetration easier, because a penis will have a pretty difficult time to enter if there’s poop in the way," adds Roos. You can use an enema if you’d like, but it’s often unnecessary. A soapy finger or baby wipes work too. You can also gently flush the area out with a slender ear syringe. It uses less water than an enema or douche and can clean you out fully.

Avoid food that messes with your stomach

While tops can run around having spontaneous hookups, it's a bit more complicated for bottoms. This is why Roos suggests if you think there is a chance you'll be getting busy in the near future be thoughtful about what you're eating. "Does milk give you an upset stomach, or is spicy food something that induces loose bowel movements to you? Then avoid eating it the day before bottoming to minimize the risk of having a messy experience," Roos advises.

Start with a position where you’re the one in control

There is more than one way to bottom, and exploring all those positions can be a blast. However, the first time you're on the receiving end, Roos suggests choosing a position that gives you a greater amount of control. "Starting with a position where you can set the pace and depth is key for making it as pleasurable as possible. Being on top makes you able to easily control the movements, especially if standing over your partner on your feet," they suggest. "Doggy style is also a great sex position for setting the pace since you can bounce back and forth against the penis in whatever way that feels the best!"

12. Play around with positions

Maybe you tried out doggy and it’s not your favorite thing. Or perhaps you’re on your back, on your side, or trying out what it’s like to be on top. One way or the other, regardless of your position — you are in control. "Some positions feel extremely intense, and others are softer, so play around with different ones until you find what works the best for you," says Roos. If one spot’s not working, try another one. It’s the only way you’ll be able to find your favorite position, and once you do, there’s no stopping you from there.

"Using a dildo with a suction cup is great for finding positions and angles you prefer. Remember to be playful and to slightly adjust the position since small changes in angles can make a huge difference in how it feels!" Roos adds.

13. Express exactly what you want

Communicate what feels good and what hurts. Tell him to go faster or slower or to switch positions. Especially for a first-timer, the bottom needs to be vocal and in control. "So go through what positions you’d like to try, what you will do for foreplay, where you will have the sex, what intensity you want to try and how you want the aftercare to be like," adds Roos.

Anal sex feels different for everyone and there’s no way your top will know what feels good without you directly communicating your needs and desires.

14. Find an understanding top

If you’ve never bottomed before, it can be intimidating. Some men may take advantage of you, and others may fantasize over being your first. "The top has a big role in making the experience for you as a bottom great, so find someone that you trust, that you can communicate with and that respects and understands you," suggests Roos. "it’s better to pick someone you have some kind of relationship to, whether it’s a partner, a good friend or someone you have dated for a while, rather than going home with a one night stand or hooking up with someone casually on Grindr for your first bottom experience."

Regardless, you should feel comfortable during your experimentation. If you’re not ready for the real deal, keep practicing until you are. Otherwise, find a top who actually knows how to communicate and let it grow from there (no pun intended.)

Have a safe word

You can plan and think you know exactly what you want in bed, but sometimes you don't fully understand that until you're actually in the moment. This is why Roos says having a safe word, or rather a system of safe words can help you get across what you need from your partner quickly and in real-time.

"Use the 'traffic light system'," suggests Roos.

Green: Everything feels great and you want it to continue in the direction things are going now. This lets your partner know that everything is fine which is important!

Yellow: things are starting to head somewhere uncomfortable and you’d like it to slow down, so it’s a way to cool things off before pulling the breaks!

Red: This is the same as saying a safe word, meaning that the sex stops immediately without question!

15. Practice safer sex

And of course, safe sex is pleasurable sex. Always wrap it up, "or, take other precautions to prevent STIs, such as PrEP or Doxy PEP," says Zane.