So you’ve thought about it...
...and you think you would have a healthier and stronger bond with your partner if the two of you were in an open or polyamorous relationship. Awesome! (Hopefully, you recognize that it takes a little more self-reflection than just, "Let’s bone other dudes/girls!")
Before you do anything else, here are 5 questions you should ask yourself before pursuing an ethical non-monogamous relationship!
1. Why are you considering one?
Are you considering it because things with your partner are already on the rocks and you’re using polyamory as a "last attempt" to save the relationship? Then it's probably not a great idea...
Are you a little bored with your partner in the sex department after years of being monogamous, know your relationship is strong enough to open up, and think both of you would benefit from doing so? Then, yes, definitely give it a shot! Or, you can be someone like me, who knows that he’d never be happy being with only one person for the rest of my life, so I go into relationships being clear about what I can offer, and the fact that at some point, the relationship will have to be open.
2. What’s the best way to bring this up to my partner?
You should know your parter better than anyone. Will he freak out and hate the idea? Will he immediately think that you’re breaking up with him or that something is terribly wrong? Has he had previous open relationships that have failed miserably? You need to change your approach with how you bring this up with him depending on how you think he’s likely to respond.
3. How are your communication skills?
If you’re someone who bottles up your feelings or is incapable of telling your partner that your’e upset with him or need something from him, then being in an open relationship isn’t for you. An open and honest line of communication is necessary for any relationship, but with polyamory, open-relationships, or any other form of ethical non-monogamy, you really have to be able to communicate with your partner(s).
4. How do you handle jealousy?
Are you a jealous person? Alright, that doesn’t mean that you can’t be in an ethical non-monogamous relationship. Just know that going in, you’re going to face some additional challenges. Contrary to popular belief, people in open relationships do still get jealous. They simply handle it in a healthier way. They're introspective ("Why is it that I’m feeling jealous?") and they also talk to their partner about their jealousy—what they can do to alleviate it together.
5. Do you really even want an open relationship?
Not to sound like your mom, but are you doing it just because your friends are doing it? Or does your partner want one, but you really don’t. This isn’t a simple "agree to disagree" type argument; you both need be in this together in order for it to work. If it isn’t for you, don't pretend like it is. Or you may just want to be single and date a bunch of guys at the same time. That's doesn't require ethical non-monogamy. That's just someone who's having fun dating a bunch of people casually.
