What is 'consent-baiting,' and is it a problem for LGBTQ+ daters?

What is ‘consent-baiting?’

The hallmark of consent in sexual relationships is enthusiastic and ongoing consent, but people who are “consent-baiting” twist this and use manipulation tactics instead of open communication to get what they want. “Consent-baiting refers to the act of manipulating someone into saying yes — often through guilt, flattery, or emotional pressure — rather than receiving freely given, enthusiastic consent,” Founds tells PRIDE. “It’s a subtle but harmful form of coercion that often hides behind charm or perceived intimacy.”

Essentially, you are “baiting” someone into giving “consent” when they wouldn’t otherwise. It’s toxic, abusive, and dangerous. “Baiting is when a person will say or do deliberately provocative things in order to get an emotional reaction and outburst from a person,” Sinclaire explains. “This is to get the person being baited to feel off kilter, confused, emotional, and have less clear thinking. When we bring the word consent into play we see how a person is baited into giving consent.”

Why is this a problem? Is it wrong?

The biggest problem with consent-baiting is that the person uses manipulative tactics rather than genuinely seeking enthusiastic consent. “Imagine a scenario where you’ve just inherited a large sum of money,” Sinclaire says. “I pretend to be in love with you in order to get a piece of this inheritance. Once I acquire that piece, I stop pretending to be your friend. If you had known I was just pretending to be your friend the whole time, would you have given me anything? Probably not. Many people would say that I scammed and lied to you. How is it any different if I do similar things, but, for sexual access to you instead?”

This is especially problematic in the queer community, where people are often desperate to be accepted. “It undermines the foundation of consent by making people feel obligated rather than empowered,” Founds says. "In LGBTQ+ spaces, where validation and acceptance can already be fragile, it can lead to trauma, confusion, and mistrust in relationships.”

Why do people engage in this tactic?

People do this because they feel like their needs for sexual gratification are more important than the other person’s desires or emotional well being. “People that do this often have a sense of entitlement to the people around them,” Sinclaire says. “They feel that they should be able to have sex with the person they are baiting and that the person’s wellbeing or feelings are secondary, if a concern at all, to their sexual entitlement.”

But not everyone is consent-baiting intentionally, some people may not realize they are applying undue pressure because of their own dating history. “Sometimes it’s intentional manipulation, but often it stems from a lack of education about boundaries and emotional responsibility,” Founds explains. “Queer people navigating identity, past rejection, or trauma may blur the lines between affirmation and pressure — but intent doesn’t erase impact.”

Is ‘consent-baiting’ more common in the LGBTQ+ community?

Sinclaire explains that while it isn’t necessarily more common within the LGBTQ+ community, men are more likely to perpetrate sexual coercion than women, so if you are in a relationship with someone who was assigned male at birth (AMAB), you run a higher risk of getting consent-baited. She also warns that "roughly half of trans people have been victim of sexual violence” and trans women of color are at the highest risk. “There is research that shows that transwomen in particular are at a higher risk of sexually abusive behavior than the average person,” Sinclaire says. “This is due to often being severely marginalized, and therefore preyed upon, peoples.”

Participating in online queer spaces can also sometime make it harder to enforce social norms and healthy codes of conduct. This problem is part of why Founds created her social media platform. “It can be more visible because LGBTQ+ communities often overlap socially and digitally, creating environments where accountability can be harder to enforce,” she says. “That’s one reason Engayge emphasizes safety features and educational content around consent culture.”

Signs you are being consent-baited:

1. Making you feel guilty

Your partner may try to guilt-trip you into giving consent. This can look like them acting hurt that you aren’t attracted to them if you say no, that you don’t love them if you don’t want to have sex, or suggesting “that you aren’t interested in them having a good mood or their mental/emotional health,” Sinclaire says.

2. You gave consent earlier, so…

They may act like you are in the wrong if you withdraw your consent. “Saying that since you said yes earlier and are retracting that consent, you are being confusing, misleading, or manipulative,” she says.

3. Using affection as a manipulation tactic

If the person you are seeing uses the silent treatments, sulking, or acting distant toward you when they aren’t getting their way, or if they love bomb you until you give in, they are probably trying to consent-bait you. “Implying that there will be a loss of intimacy or closeness in the relationship if consent isn’t given” is a sure sign of this toxic type of manipulation, Sinclaire warns.

4. Expecting you to give consent

Sinclaire points out that if you are being consent-baited, your significant other may act like you should automatically consent to sex by saying things like, “I’m already turned on,” “But, this is the only time we get alone,” “We’ve been dating for so long,” or “But I’ve treated you so well.”

5. Lying and manipulation

Some people will even take things a step further and become truly abusive. This involves getting you intoxicated so that you are more likely to say yes, pretending to love you so that you’ll give them access to you sexually, or assuming consent based on you flirting with them or engaging in sexually charged conversation, even though you never explicitly said yes. “Pretending to have a condom, or lying about the use of said condom, until after sexual activity has started or one is caught in the lie” is another manipulation tactic someone might use while consent-baiting, Sinclaire says.

What should you do if you realize someone is doing it to you?

Listen to your instincts. If something feels wrong or off, it probably is, and you are allowed to walk away or end a relationship if this happens. You should also open up to people you trust if you think you’re being consent-baited. “Talk to trusted friends or utilize community-based resources when something feels manipulative or unsafe,” Founds recommends.

Consent-baiting can happen with a casual relationship, something more long term, a marriage, or even a one-night stand, so you’ll have to decide whether it’s worth it to try to work things out with the other person or if you’re better off walking away. Sometimes calling the behavior out works and “some people are actually repentant and stop,” Sinclaire says, but that may not always be effective because “some of the people that engage in this behavior don’t really see it as an issue as they feel entitled to sex.”

What should you do if you realize you’re guilty of doing it?

If you’re the one guilty of consent-baiting, the first step is to acknowledge the behavior and try to figure our why you are doing it. Think about what is motivating you and find a new way to seek sexual release and gratification that doesn’t involve manipulating another person.

“If it is a chronic issue that you want to change, seeking out a sex therapist that is deeply informed about consent and consent dynamics,” Sinclaire recommends. “The most important thing is that this way of thinking needs to be changed and essentially the person needs to be re-educated in sexual consent. For some, that takes a bit of soul searching; for others, it is a deep seated issue that requires a professional.”

Founds agrees and says that if you are consent-baiting you need to “own it. Apologize, learn, and do better. True consent is enthusiastic, informed, and never negotiated through guilt or pressure.”

Sources cited:

Taryn Sinclaire, a transwoman and trauma-focused therapist.

Rudy Founds, the founder of Engayge Social Network Inc.