If you’re in the dating world, I regret to inform you—it’s tough out in these streets. But then again, if you’re out there, you already know that. It’s not enough that you have to worry about the classics like ghosting and breadcrumbing; now there’s a whole new wave of toxic dating trends like Shrekking, Banksying, and micro-cheating to contend with.
And now, there’s a new one to add to the list: monkey-barring (sometimes also known as monkey-branching).
You’re likely familiar with the concept of “serial monogamy,” which is when someone immediately hops into a new relationship the minute another one ends. But what about when the line blurs between one relationship and another? That’s where monkey-barring comes in.
To better understand this dating trend, PRIDE spoke with the experts: Sofie Roos, a bisexual licensed sexologist, relationship therapist and author at relationship magazine Passionerad and Dylan Thomas Cotter, trans activist, former adult entertainer, Scruff dating app ambassador, and author for thier take on what it is, why it happens, and what to do if it happens to you.
What is “monkey-barring"?
Monkey-barring has been called a form of cheating, and it’s easy to understand why. “[It’s] when someone isn’t letting go of their partner until they find someone else to grab onto,” Roos tells PRIDE.
“It’s similar to how monkeys swing from one tree to another while never letting go of the previous one, hence ‘monkey-barring.’" adds Cotter.
The issue is the overlap, because “you’re searching for a new relationship while still having your current partner. People do it because they are afraid of being single and alone [so they] want to secure a new relationship before leaving the current one,” explains Roos.
Why would someone “monkey-bar”?
There are a surprising number of reasons why someone would engage in this behavior. For one thing, it’s about control. “If you want to really be with someone else, it becomes a way to be in charge of that since it feels as if you’re minimizing the risk of being alone,” says Roos, who warns that it can often backfire.
It’s also a sign of insecurity, says Cotter. “When they are alone and once things aren’t perfect with their initial partner, they begin to seek attention elsewhere rather than work on and communicate their feelings to their partner.”
It can also be a sign of narcissism, Cotter adds. “If someone is addicted to constant praise and also is an accountability avoidant, they will tend to lean towards this behavior as they are emotionally immature, so you’ll see monkey-barring from those who may be diagnosed with avoidant attachment as well.”
This can also occur in a partner who is conflict-avoidant and lacks boundaries—or they struggle with emotional intimacy. “Once they start to get the feeling that things are becoming too close with someone, they’ll pull away to the next person that they can breadcrumb,” says Cotter.
And it’s not just the partner left behind who is injured by this cycle of behavior, warns Cotter. “[It] will repeat over and over. For those who are doing the monkey-barring, dating as such doesn’t forge strong commitments, and every potential love interest in their life will be kept surface level unless they are willing to go deep and self-reflect while also giving their partners grace, compassion, and sincere unconditional love.”
Are LGBTQ+ people more likely to engage in or experience it?
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Monkey-barring is becoming a more common practice in dating, Roos says, because of—you guessed it—the apps. “Dating apps have made it easier than ever before to find someone new to date, and since it allows you to be sneaky about it, it’s more doable today to look for a new partner while still being in a relationship,” she says.
But is it more of a problem in the straight dating world, or are LGBTQ+ folks swinging from relationship to relationship—without, you know, finishing the first before moving on to the next? According to the experts, while it certainly can happen within queer relationships, it’s not more likely. If anything, it’s less so, because it’s harder to get away with.
“The queer community is smaller and more of an everyone-knows-everyone situation in many smaller cities, which can make it more difficult to find a new partner while still being with someone,” says Roos.
A win is a win.
What are the signs it's happening to you?
While it’s less likely to occur in queer relationships, according to the experts, it can still happen. So knowing how to recognize the signs can save you some heartache. Here’s what the experts say to be on the lookout for:
- Emotional distance or an unwillingness to resolve conflict
- Pulling back on physical affection and intimacy — if it feels off, trust your gut
- Avoiding any discussion of the future
- “Scouting” behavior, like flirting or contacting people through social media
- Spending more and more time on their phone and not paying attention to you when you speak
- Changes to their behavior, like texting you less or showing less interest in your life
- You begin to feel like you’re there just to feed their ego
- Not reciprocating support
- They begin excluding you from social media or erasing you from their digital footprint
While monkey-barring is a toxic dating behavior, Roos does have some sympathy for those engaging in it. “It’s easy to think that people who’re monkey-barring are doing it out of being selfish or wanting to be mean, but it actually often stems from their insecurity,” she says. Though she does not excuse the behavior: “It can still hurt very much, and it’s therefore important to draw a clear line to protect your well-being if you think you’re being a victim of it.”
Sources cites:
Sofie Roos, a bisexual licensed sexologist, relationship therapist and author at relationship magazine Passionerad
Dylan Thomas Cotter, trans activist, former adult entertainer, Scruff dating app ambassador, and author of Transgender & Triggering The Life of Dylan Thomas Cotter
