What is 'ghostlighting'? Dating experts reveal why LGBTQ+ folks do it more

What is ‘ghostlighting’?

“Ghostlighting,” a portmanteau of “ghosting” and “gaslighting,” is when you are dating someone and they disappear without warning and then return later and try to “gaslight” you into thinking they never ghosted you in the first place.

“It is a phenomenon where an individual will ghost you or suddenly disappear and stop talking to you (ghosting) and then suddenly reappear and manipulate the situation to explain away the reasons for their disappearance (gaslighting),” Korpak tells PRIDE.

If someone who ghosted you ever comes back to haunt you again (maybe saying, “I’ve just been swamped at work. You understand right?”), then you’ve fallen victim to this particularly toxic manipulation tactic.

How is it different from ‘ghosting’?

When someone ghosts you, they just walk right out of your life without so much as a word of warning. This cowardly way to dump someone has become increasingly common in recent years. But when someone ghostlights you, they try to worm their way back into your life weeks or months after you’ve finally moved on by lying to you and pretending they never pulled a disappearing act. And if you call them out on it, they will try to psychologically manipulate you so that you look like a fool who is making things up.

“They can, for example, say things such as 'I was never gone,’ ‘You were the one who ghosted me, I’ve been trying to get in touch for weeks,’ or ‘You’re just making things up, I’ve been so stressed with work but never left you,’” Roos says.

Are LGBTQ+ people more likely to engage in or experience ‘ghostlighting’?

Someone who is ghostlighting you will pretend you don’t exist when they aren't interested, and then they will lie and manipulate to get you back into their life when they want your attention again. But while LGBTQ+ daters are more likely to pull this move, it is for much more complicated reasons than just being selfish.

“For many LGBTQ+ daters, the fear of rejection as well as pressure to protect yourself emotionally can make communication tricky, especially in small interconnected communities,” Korpak explains. “When the dating pool is smaller, people tend to resurface, and that can make endings feel murky or unfinished.”

LGBTQ+ people often struggle with their identity, and some are still living in the closet. This means that someone might ghost you because they are worried about people finding out that they are queer, and then come back when they feel comfortable again, while pretending they never pulled away at all. “That can feel easier than opening up and being true with why you did as you did, and many times you don’t even know why yourself, and are so mixed up with your own feelings that you don’t know who left and who came back and why, which easily results in a ghostlighting situation,” Roos says.

Why would someone do this to a person they’ve been dating? 

Often, people ghostlight someone they’re dating because they are conflict-averse, and would rather avoid “feelings of discomfort or guilt” that come with ending a relationship, while also “maintaining access to that other person,” Korpak says.

“This self protective (and manipulative) behavior is an attempt to regain control or soothe ones guilt without taking responsibility and accountability for ones actions,” he explains. "In some cases, the person genuinely lacks awareness of how confusing or hurtful the behavior is, particularly if they struggle with attachment insecurity or fear intimacy.”

According to Roos, not only does it stem “from an avoiding behavior pattern, where you want to escape uncomfortable feelings,” but it also has a lot to do with pride. “It can also be a way to protect your ego, and instead of admitting that you disappeared but changed your mind, you try to make them seem like the one exaggerating by ghostlighting them,” she says.

What are the warning signs that someone is 'ghostlighting' you?

Disappearing for long stretches of time without explanation and then popping back up like nothing has changed is the textbook definition of ghostlighting, but what are some other red flags?

They are also probably ghostlighting you if you ask the person you are dating about what’s going on and they try to downplay it or make you believe you’re the problem, if “they are hot and cold, wishy washy on their desires,” if they only want to see you when it’s convenient for them, or if you start finding yourself questioning your own sense of reality, Korpak says.

“If you constantly feel confused or dismissed when you try to clarify what’s happening, that’s a strong indicator,” he warns.

If you realize you are being ‘ghostlighted,’ what should you do?

Once you realize the person you were dating is ghostlighting you, Roos recommends keeping a journal where you “write down your reality and experiences somewhere safe” so that every time the person pops back up in your life, you’ll have a record of what went down that you can refer back to when they make you start questioning reality.

Korpak also suggests journaling your feelings as well because it will “allow you to feel your feelings rather than dismissing them.” It’s also a good idea to take some time to process what has happened before deciding what to do next.

“You can then choose if you want to confront the individual about their inconsistent behavior and sudden reappearance or choose to disengage entirely, depending on your emotional capacity,” he says. Setting firm boundaries with your ex can also help you reclaim some of the agency you lost while they were ghostlighting you. “The key is to protect your emotional energy and not internalize their avoidance as a reflection of your worth,” he says.

If you realize you are the one doing it, what do you do? 

Ending a relationship, no matter how short lived or casual it was, can be hard, especially for queer people who “grew up without clear models of healthy communication and boundaries,” Korpak says.

But if the call is coming from inside the house and you are actually the one who is ghostlighting someone you were dating, the first step to making it right is figuring out why you did it in the first place and then taking accountability.

“Owning up to the situation about what happened is key,” Korpak says. “Try saying ‘I realize I dropped off the map instead of being honest about how I was feeling, I am sorry for the confusion that may have caused you.’” Once you’ve done that, be honest about what you’d like out of the relationship in the future, but keep in mind the other person might not be interested after what you’ve done and you need to be ok with that.

“Working to repair that connection does not automatically mean reconnection but it does take responsibility over the impact you caused the other person,” he explains.

Despite you being the red flag in the relationship, Roos says be kind to yourself while also being honest about messing up and hurting someone. “Ask yourself why you’re avoiding to just be honest and admit that you treated them badly,” she says. “Are you afraid to hurt them by saying you’re not longer interested, or does it feel uncomfortable to admit that you did wrong? From there, the only right thing to do is to apologize, and from there try to work on your communication to not do this again.”

Sources cited:

Kai Korpak, a sex therapist and the assistant director at Best Therapies.

Sofie Roos, a bisexual licensed sexologist, relationship therapist and author at relationship magazine Passionerad.