What is 'The Bird Theory' and does it work for LGBTQ+ couples, too?

What is 'The Bird Theory,' and where does it come from?

The Bird Theory may be going viral right now, but it actually dates back several decades. In the 1990s, psychologist Dr. John Gottman came up with The Bird Theory to explain why the way a partner responds — or fails to respond — to subtle “bids for connection” can tell you a lot about the longevity of a relationship. This is why people on social media are going viral for testing their partners by pointing out a bird and then waiting to see how they respond.

“The idea is when one partner shares a mundane or small moments – like noticing a bird outside of the window – the way in which the other partner responds can reflect the overall health of the relationship,” Dempsey tells PRIDE. “Gottman found that couples in which partners showed genuine interest, curiosity, or engagement with these everyday moments were more likely to have successful and longer-lasting relationships. Conversely, partners who ignored or dismissed these small moments tended to have lower relationship satisfaction. “

What does it say about your relationship?

Whether your partner passes or fails the test isn’t a definitive verdict, but it might show you how tuned in their are. “When your partner shares their interests or a cute moment they had that day, engaging with them is a way of saying ‘I like being in your world,’” Bogdanovic explains. “A partner who tunes in shows their care and emotional investment. Each small moment of connection builds on each other, strengthening the foundations of the relationship and creates a feeling of being seen. Intimacy is built in the everyday, not in dramatic romantic gestures.”

Failing the test isn’t necessarily a red flag all on its own, but getting excited about even the mundane, seemingly silly things in your partner’s life can point to a healthy relationship. “If a partner consistently shows disinterest, even in trivial moments, it may signal a broader lack of emotional investment or attentiveness,” Dempsey says. “At the very least, the partner who feels ignored may experience feelings of neglect, being unheard, or disrespected, which can accumulate and impact the overall relationship dynamic.”

Is 'The Bird Theory' different for LGBTQ+ couples?

Queer couples may put even more weight into The Bird Theory because they are “more likely to have experienced a lot of invalidation or painful dismissal of their experience throughout their life, so attunement with their partner can be even more meaningful and carry more weight,” Bogdanovic explains.

LGBTQ+ folks have also had to face more judgement from society so feeling accepted by their partner is even more important. “Queer couples often navigate additional societal pressures, so small moments of attention and validation can carry extra emotional weight,” Dempsey says. “Being seen and acknowledged by a partner may feel especially meaningful when the broader world is less affirming.”

Dempsey also says that LGBTQ+ couples “often engage in more intentional communication about feelings and needs, so noticing and responding to everyday events might be more common—or even expected,” especially since queer people don’t have to stick to rigid gender roles. “Bird Theory in queer relationships becomes more about mutual effort than fulfilling prescribed roles,” he says.

What does it mean if a couple passes the test?

Bogdanovic says that The Bird Theory isn’t a test you can “pass” or “fail” because relationships “aren’t graded on single interactions.” Instead, you should be thinking about your relationship more in terms of patterns than on individual moments. “All partners will ‘miss’ bids sometimes,” she says. “They can be stressed, tired, or distracted. This does not mean the relationship is doomed. What matters is the overall ratio of turning toward you versus ignoring or turning away.

Dempsey agrees, but says that "if the partner who hears about the 'bird' responds with curiosity, interest, or engagement, it’s generally a good sign. It suggests that the couple is attentive to each other’s lives and emotions, which research links to greater relationship satisfaction and a higher likelihood of a long-lasting, happy partnership.”

What does it mean if they fail? Does it spell doom for the relationship?

Keep in mind that your partner’s disinterest in your “bid for connection” might not have anything to do with you, and everything to do with how stressed or tired they are. It’s also important to remember that it’s just one snapshot in time and not necessarily indicative of how they usually treat you. But if this is part of a larger pattern, it may be time to have a larger conversation about how your needs aren’t being met.

“It isn’t a deal breaker, and one moment of disinterest or distraction doesn’t condemn a relationship,” Dempsey says. “However, repeated indifference can highlight areas that may need attention, such as communication, emotional attunement, or feeling heard. Rather than seeing it as a failure, it can serve as a gentle prompt to open a conversation about how partners share their lives and respond to each other. Addressing these moments thoughtfully can strengthen the relationship rather than weaken it.”

So if you’re partner doesn't get excited when you point out a cool bird, before you jump ship and move on to the next relationship, think about how you can work together to make the relationship better for both of you. “If it is a pattern, let your partner know that you are wanting to connect with them and share your happiness with them,” Bogdanovic suggests. “Give then an invitation to tune in more intentionally into your world. Focus on the connection you’re seeking, not on blaming them for getting it wrong.”

Sources cited:

Ciara Bogdanovic, a licensed marriage and family therapist and the founder of Sagebrush Psychotherapy.

Will Dempsey, a queer therapist and the founder of Heads Held High Counseling.