What is Frottage? LGBTQ+ sex experts explain the sexy sapphic activity

What is frottage?

Remember when you awkwardly dry humped someone when you were a teenager? That was frottage. Frottage is a sex act where you rub your genitals against something or someone for sexual gratification. This can include rubbing your genitals on another person’s genitals, rubbing your genitals on another part of your partner’s body, or rubbing yourself on an inanimate object.

“The satisfaction comes from finding a tempo and pressure you like where the friction as well as the physical and emotional closeness, feels good,” Roos tells PRIDE. “So this is a completely non-penetrative way of having sex that still can give lots of pleasure as well as lead to orgasms!”

Frotting (when two people rub their penises together) may be big with gay men, but frottage tends to play a pretty big role in the kind of sex lesbians, queer women, and sapphics are having. “It’s a very common way to get intimate for sapphics, often by rubbing the vulvas against each other, or by rubbing your vulva against your partner's thigh, stomach, arm or other parts of the body,” Roos says.

What activities are considered frottage?

Frottage encompasses a whole array of sex acts that include rubbing and friction. For sapphics, this includes “tribbing” — also frequently called scissoring, though that is a specific position — which is the act of two vulvas rubbing against each other.

According to Korpak, frotting is great if you’re not a fan of penetrative sex or you want to lower your risk of contracting an STI, and this is true of most forms of frottage, too. “For folks who may not want to have penetrative sex for any number of reasons (experiencing dysphoria, you just don’t like it, have difficulty maintaining an erection, experience pain with penetration), frotting can be a way to experience sexual pleasure,” he explains. “A benefit of frotting is that there is a lower risk of STI transmission if done while clothed.”

But frottage isn't just tribbing; it also includes grinding your genitals on someone while standing, straddling someone, or spooning, or even riding your partner’s hand, arm, or leg. Lesbians out there, if you’ve ever gotten your partner off by doing “the knee thing,” that was also frottage.

This can also be done while naked or while you are both fully clothed. “I also want to highlight that you can engage in frottage both with your clothes on and off, and experience as much pleasure from both,” Roos says. “So if you aren’t comfortable with getting your clothes off yet, but still want vaginal stimulation, this is an awesome way of doing it.”

Tips for beginners:

1. Talk about what you’re ok with

Open communication and getting consent are always a must, but it’s essential if you and your partner are trying frottage for the first time together. “Agree on what areas are okay to touch and what areas are off limits,” Korpak says. "Remember, with any sexual activity, consent is mandatory.”

2. Try different positions

Experiment with tempo, levels of pressure, and positions. What feels good to you might not work for your partner and vice versa, so have fun figuring it out together. “It’s very individual what feels good and not, and it’s often the small play with angles that makes the big difference — so check in on each other during the session and don’t be afraid to switch position,” Roos explains.

3. Start slowly

Start off slowly and build both your tempo and how long you play for. And if anything feels painful or uncomfortable for either of you, stop and readjust. “Start out slow and take your time. Build up to longer play sessions,” Korpak suggests. “Trying slow and testing things out and later checking in. It should never feel rough or like sandpaper.”

4. Try different body parts

The beauty of frottage is that you can rub your genitals against any of your partner’s body parts. You can focus on each other’s genitals or you can play around and try rubbing yourself against your partner’s thigh, arm, or other body parts that look enticing. “There’s no rules, so be creative and switch between for example the stomach, leg, arm or butt,” Roos recommends.

5. Wear clothing

If you’re just starting out with frottage don’t strip down right away, try it with clothing on first. Just remember that thick, rough fabrics like canvas or denim might cause too much friction. Nobody wants a rug burn! "I also highly recommend to start with pants on as the material actually can make the friction feel better and more intense, which is great when you don’t really know how to rub,” Roos says.

6. Focus on each other

We know closing your eyes when you are experiencing pleasure is a natural instinct, but to heighten the sensations, try keeping them open. “Try maintaining eye contact with the other person to heighten the mood and connection,” Korpak says.

7. Solo play

Loving frottage with a partner? Try it during solo play too. You can hump against a pillow or ride the arm of a chair. Experiment and get creative, the world is your oyster!

Advanced frottage tips:

1. Advanced positions 

You’ve got the basics down, now it’s time to ramp up the difficulty level and the pleasure. Take your time to look up new sex positions and adapt them for frottage and try adding in pillows to change up the angles. “If you know this activity feels good you can test more advanced positions,” Korpak recommends. “You may find different positions are more pleasurable.”

2. Go faster

As a beginner, starting slowly is your best bet, but now that you’ve leveled up, try playing music and matching your speed and pressure to your playlist. “Try ramping up the speed and tempo or match the mood of the music,” Korpak says.

Roos agrees and says that you can have a lot of fun by changing up the rhythm and pressure, too. “You can take pauses, change between soft and intense pressure, and build up the frottage from easy to intense,” Roos says.

3. Add in toys

Once you’ve mastered rubbing your genitals together, think about what toys might be fun to try out next. “There are different toys that are designed specifically for frotting,” Korpak says. “EarlytoBed in Chicago and Smitten Kitten in Minneapolis are two sex stores that have a large array of sex toy options with knowledgeable staff and many gender inclusive products.”

4. Use lots of lube

Honestly, lube is always a good idea, but when you’re rubbing your genitals against a body part, things can get dry and uncomfortable quickly without it. “Using lube is another way for the pro to make it more satisfying as frottage after a while can get a bit dry,” Roos warns. “So use some lube both on the vulva and on the part of the body you rub against.”

5. Use your whole body

In its most basic form, frottage is when you rub your genitals on someone else, but to make things even spicier, get your whole body involved. “Use your hands to help your partner with the pressure and rhythm, use your torso to make it more stable, and take help of your thigh to move your partner,” Roos says.

6. Play with power dynamics 

Adding dominance and submission into frottage can heighten the entire experience. Just make sure it’s something you’re both interested in before you try it out in the bedroom. “The one thrusting must not be the dominant person, so play with the power dynamic and switch between who’s setting the tempo and who's following, something that can make frottage more dynamic,” Roos suggests.

7. Aftercare 

And finally, aftercare. People often forget about this, but just because you’re not doing advanced-level BDSM doesn’t mean it’s not a good idea. This means taking care of each other’s bodies along with your emotional needs. “Take some time to stretch your hips if they are sore, use lotion on high friction areas to soothe the skin, hydrate and drink some water,” Korpak says.

Sources cited: 

Sofie Roos, a bisexual licensed sexologist, relationship therapist, and author at relationship magazine Passionerad.

Kai Korpak, a sex therapist and the assistant director at Best Therapies.