The first mistake one can make going into Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides is having high expectations. The best thing it has going for it from the start is that the last two Pirates films were so crushingly awful/confusing (Dead Man’s Chest was awful, and At World’s End was more trying than the SATs), that On Stranger Tides would have to be deliberately painful to be any worse. The most unfortunate thing about the franchise is that it hit its peak in 2003 when the first film came out and everything was all shiny and new.
Now everything’s just shiny and the same, except this one has Penelope Cruz, mermaids, and is directed Rob Marshall, who also directed Nine and Chicago. Let’s all take a moment to imagine how amusing Pirates would have been as a musical. Just don’t imagine too much, because it’ll only be more disappointing when you realize On Stranger Tides will never be that amusing.
If you do plan to see this movie, there are many questions you may find yourself asking during your experience, so I’ll get those out of the way for you in advance. Your first question might be, "Why the hell does this film exist anyway?" The answer: this film will make lots of money and that money will make lots of people in Hollywood very happy. This question may be followed by others such as: “When does this film even take place?” “Why are they fighting so much?” “What on earth are these people saying?” “Where is Keira Knightley?” and “If I go to the bathroom, I don’t think I’ll miss anything important, do you?” To these I answer: No clue, but definitely after the last film; I don’t know, please make it stop; Presumably words, but I can’t be too sure; Nowhere to be seen or mentioned, so stop thinking a cameo might happen; and no, nothing in the movie is actually important. But don't be fooled by how dismal I just made On Stranger Tides seem. There are certainly lots of things about it to enjoy.
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This year’s Pirates adventure finds Captain Jack Sparrow (Johnny Depp, in a lovely performance that probably could have been crafted from the previous three films) on a quest to find the Fountain of Youth. However, he’s being more or less being held against his will on the ship of Blackbeard (Ian McShane) and Blackbeard’s maybe-daughter Angelica (Penelope Cruz), who wants to find the Fountain before a prophecy involving Blackbeard’s murder can be fulfilled. It is immediately revealed that Jack and Angelica have had a romantic past, and their chemistry is one of the only things that keeps the movie fresh. Or rather, it is Penelope Cruz herself that keeps the movie fresh.
It’s a tough task to jump into a franchise out of nowhere and expect to be accepted, but Penelope handles it with swashbuckling spunk, and also manages to be the most adorable pirate ever. She’s also a perfect match for Johnny’s Jack, and their playful banter provides the movie's most human moments, of which there are few, and they are incredibly fleeting, so savor them. And while I’m a huge advocate of the Let’s Kill the Franchise Already movement, I almost wouldn’t mind a low-key sequel in which Angelica and Jack are married, run a pub, and get into all sorts of hilarious shenanigans. Or on second thought, let’s just kill the franchise.
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Of course as lovely as Johnny and Penelope may be, there is still a ‘hot young vapid couple’ void left by Keira and Orlando Bloom that must be filled. On Stranger Tides finds its replacements in Sam Clafin and Astrid Berges-Frisbey as a missionary on Blackbeard’s ship and a mermaid captured by Blackbeard as part of a Fountain of Youth ritual. They meet, fall in love, face peril, and generally excel at being hot, young, and vapid without providing particularly affecting performances.
I’m sure they’re getting much less attractive then they are reviews right now, but allow me to say what every critic is thinking: they may be as deep as a desert mirage, but good God are they attractive. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t immediately come home and IMDB Astrid, and I’m happy to say that in her other films (at least the youtube trailers, as it’s oddly impossible to access her Spanish movies in America) she actually appears to be a good actress. I mean, the girl speaks 3 languages- none of which were English until Pirates- so she really can’t be blamed for the situation going on there. And hey, if another Pirates sequel were to come out- as we all know one will - and it was starring Astrid, I’d go. At midnight. Repeatedly. Or maybe I’ll just go see On Stranger Tides again right now, surely it’s playing somewhere...But I digress.
On Stranger Tides may not come close to the originality and entertainment factor of the first film in 2003, but I will go so far as to say it’s the best Pirates addition since then. Johnny Depp’s in fine form, Penelope Cruz is the best decision the producers could have made, and the plot is simple enough to understand without the help of a character diagram (I’m looking at you, At World’s End). So if you’ve already seen Bridesmaids - which should be your first priority - and you’ve still got some extra cine-money and time to spare, give Pirates a go. It may not be Oscar worthy, but it’s a fun, frothy way to start the summer, and a decent reminder of what the franchise used to be.
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