7 Things Gay Men Struggle with in New Relationships

You don’t need me to tell you dating is tough, requires communication, sacrifice, and blah blah blah. You’ve heard this time and time again. The goal of this post is simply to point out some of the issues you might not realizing you’re making in a new relationship. Then you, (because at the end of the day you know yourself best), can try to figure out what you struggle with and the best approach to dealing with these issues. 

So here are 7 things gay men struggle with in new relationships. (Some are gay-specific, whereas others can pertain to any relationship, but of course, gay men struggle with them too.)

1. Quitting Grindr

I would argue that for gay men, Grindr is more addicting than most drugs. (Then again we do have a meth problem in the community, and I don’t think Grindr is more addictive than meth, but I digress.) That said, it’s tough, especially when you start a new relationship, to know how much time you should or shouldn’t be spending on Grindr. In one sense, you don’t want to put all of your eggs in one basket, but in another, you want to give the guy a real shot. So I think it’s better to get rid of Grindr too early as opposed to too late.

2. Dropping the guys you’re currently benching

So benching, for those of who you don’t know, is when instead of breaking things off with a guy completely, you text him periodically to keep him in your back pocket. You know you don’t want to date him, and he’s not even the first or second guy you’d text if you were drunk and horny and looking for an easy hookup. But you know he’s there and would jump at the opportunity to see you if you were to hit him up. First off, don’t do this because you shouldn’t be doing this. But second, don’t keep these guys around when you start dating someone else more seriously. Again, this has to do with giving the relationship you're actually in a real chance to succeed.

3. Defining where you are (AKA being in the same place)

This is a surprisingly tough line to walk. I’ve had guys say to me after a date or two, “So like what are we?” And I think to myself, “What the hell? I have no idea, I literally just met you. Give it some time would ya?” But then the opposite can happen, where after months of what resembles dating, neither you nor he brings up what you want, what you expect out of the relationship, and if you see this working out long term. So wait a little time to have a talk, but then, yes, it’s good to have a talk. Even if that talk solely consists of, “Let’s keep doing what we’re doing. There’s no reason to label or define anything.” That’s STILL a good talk to have, as you want to make sure that both you and he are on the same page.

4. Analyzing without overanalyzing

I literally don’t know how to do this. So I’m not even going to pretend that I do. Play it cool, but at the same time, be invested. Think about what’s going on, but don’t let it consume you. Again, no idea how to do this so good luck.

5. Setting boundaries with exes

Gay guys are often friends with their exes. Sometimes best friends. That doesn’t really bother most of us. But for some of us, it might. So make sure to set some boundaries with your exes or discuss with your new partner what the expectations are regarding exes.

6. Sex

Sex is often amazing in the real beginning. It’s really hot and you can go time and time again. But sometimes, the new excitement fades rapidly. For some guys, it takes months. For others, it takes a week or two. You know who you are, and if you’re one of those guys who needs a lot of sex from different people, then you should probably discuss being in an open relationship, rather than being miserable, or worse, cheating on him.

7. Recognizing actions over words

We all say a lot of things in the beginning of a relationship. We attempt to project this image of who we are that might not always be 100% true. Therefore, notice how people behave and don't necessarily listen to what they say. Also, shocker, people lie. Not always maliciously. For example, if he keeps saying he wants to hang out, but is always busy and never makes any effort to hang, odds are he doesn’t want to see you. Instead of being a mature adult and breaking things off, he’s hoping that you’ll eventually grow tired of chasing him. Don’t think because they say they want to hang out that they do. They just think this is better than a real breakup. So judge him and his character based off of his actions and not what he says.

Hopefully, this is helpful to you. Good luck dating out there. God knows it ain't easy.