12 Reasons Lesbians Can't Just Be Friends With Benefits

We’ve all seen it in movies. And if Mila Kunis can do it, so can we, right? Wrong. Here’s the timeline of what happens when women try to pull that off…

Week One: You’ve just met online or drunkenly made the arrangement with an acquaintance. She’s cute, but you’re newly single/not looking/a commitment phobe and she has a similar excuse. The fun begins, with no one even mildly prepared for what’s about to come.

Week Two: You’ve broken the first rule of FWB and slept over. There was some accidental giggling over breakfast, which you shouldn’t be having together anyway. This needs nipping in the bud.

Week Three: You’ve learned some inside information about her work/family/friend drama and are annoyed on her behalf with someone. But this still doesn’t mean you care about her, obviously. So what if you check her Instagram daily? That means nothing.

Week Four: Her pets recognize you and you have a favorite outfit that she wears. Sleepovers are now standard. If you’ve decided whether you’re the big or the little spoon and have borrowed some clothes then you’re no longer FWB. You’re seeing that girl. There are toothbrushes and drawers being delegated and you’ve met each other’s friends. This is all falling the hell apart. Or should I say together...?

Week Five: She’s gone on a date with someone else and you’re fuming. Oh, so that’s how we’re playing it are we? If she’s wanting to date, then why the hell not you?! You start to say, “No, honestly, it’s fine,” with that unique tone women have that means it totally isn’t. You have an argument and you both sulk off in your separate directions for a bit.

Week Six:You know what she drinks at Starbucks and what to buy her as the perfect present for her birthday. It’s coming up and what the hell do you do because, are you even meant to get her anything?! You’re friends on Facebook and although you didn’t tag yourself in anything together before, now there are now a few daytime selfies and inside jokes going on. 

Week Seven:You have a song. You like how she looks in your hoodie and want her to meet your sister. If you want to bite the head off every woman who is within ten feet of her in her Facebook pictures then you may be in trouble. The urge to cut a bitch for being close enough to accidentally seduce her is the first sign that you’re losing control here.

Week Eight: One of you becomes all jealous and insecure and presses self-detonate. Another argument and removal of all social media followed by a hinty status about being listless and upset. Usually in the form of song lyrics.

Week Nine: A week apart. You both feel slightly ill and there’s an almost impressive amount of drunken texting. That dress she left over has your tears on it. If she’s asked for any of her things back you spray your perfume on it first… Let’s see how she handles that, huh?

Week Ten: One of you pretends to have a life crisis and can you just put everything behind you for one day to be there for each other? Back to snuggling in your onesies with your favorite song on. Everything is right with the world again for a few seconds.

Week Eleven: The Intervention. Your friends finally have had enough of the “I don’t even care but…” conversations about her and sit you the hell down. You aren’t handling this Friends With Benefits thing so well.

Week Twelve: After much mumbling and lots of not looking each other in the eye unless you’re inches away from each other, you finally admit it’s do or die time. Either you get together, or walk away. But which one?

If you choose to walk away then that’s fine. I know some emotionless narcissists too. But let’s just collectively accept that, although one night stands are a thing, Friends With Benefits has about as much place in lesbian land as rhinestone stick-on body art and nail extensions.  We can’t do it.

Oh and FYI, Mila Kunis couldn’t do it either, remember? She ended up with Justin Timberlake after all. So there.

About the Author: E J Rosetta is an LGBT Columnist and coffee addict living in Hampshire with her spoiled cat, Hendricks. More ramblings can be found on Facebook or via Twitter @EJRosetta