Politics has divided us, and tensions in the U.S. are at an all-time high, which means the holidays are about to get even more complicated.
Conversations about how to handle rifts in a family due to abuse, lack of acceptance for who you are, or ideological differences that point to an absence of shared values are everywhere in American society right now.
Oprah devoted an entire podcast episode to exploring the topic, featuring experts sympathizing with parents who have been cut off, and podcaster and author Mel Roberts wrote an op-ed for the New York Times expounding on why ending your relationship with your family might not be the best solution.
This discussion about family estrangement and the growing trend of going “no contact," where you cut off all ties and avenues of communication, may be new for heterosexuals, but for the LGBTQ+ community, this topic is all too familiar.
Whether your family kicked you out or cut ties because of your sexuality or gender identity, or you put up boundaries because their judgment and lack of respect were painful or abusive, queer people have been making tough choices about their family of origin for decades.
This kind of family estrangement seems like it’s everywhere right now, and while queer people have been dealing with this for years, rising political tensions have only made it more common, with 50% of LGBTQ+ adults reporting they are estranged from their family in a 2023 study.
What is ‘family estrangement?’
When is it necessary to do?Bearfotos/ShutterstockIn the simplest terms, family estrangement is “a shift in dynamics between members for the purpose of safety and protection,” Dr. Shainna Ali, a mental health counselor, educator, and advocate, who has written extensively about the coming out process, tells PRIDE.
There can be a myriad of reasons why you might cut off contact with your family, but for queer people, it is often tied to the way their family responds to them coming out. “Family estrangement involves separating from ones family of origin when there is refusal by the family to embrace the LGBTQIA+ identity of their children,” says John Sovec, an LGBTQ+ affirming therapist and author of Out: A Parent’s Guide to Supporting Their LGBTQIA+ Kid Through Coming Out and Beyond. Losing your family in this way, whether their family disowned them or they were the ones to sever the relationship, can cause “depression, anxiety, and loneliness,” he says.
Being estranged from your family is so commonplace in queer culture that found family has become extremely important. “Some of my adult queer clients have no contact with their family members in order to protect their peace due to trauma in their upbringing,” Christine Ruberti-Bruning, a licensed therapist specializing in queer and trans affirming therapy, explains. “These folks find their own chosen family in their communities.”
When is it necessary to do?
Intentionally separating from your family of origin may be necessary if you’ve tried to address the issues but nothing has changed, or you feel emotionally or physically unsafe around your relatives. “In unhealthy dynamics with little opportunity or persistent failed opportunities for change, growth, and healing, individuals may consider shifting family dynamics for their well-being, and sometimes also for the well-being of others (e.g., partners, children),” according to Dr. Ali, who says that while cutting of fcontact can be painful, it can also give you “safety and security, through improved self-esteem, self-respect, and overall well-being.”
Some queer people choose to go no contact with their family to protect their mental health, while others may decide to keep some lines of communication open in the hopes of saving the relationship. Regardless of what path you choose, there are drawbacks and benefits. Keeping toxic people in your life may adversely impact your emotional well-being, but when you become estranged, you’re also losing a family member.
“Estrangement doesn't have to be all or nothing. Some of the clients I work with maintain limited contact over phone with family members but don't spend time with them in person,” Roberti-Bruning says. “Navigating these types of relationships can help clients build confidence to set boundaries and in some cases, maintain a healthier relationship. The main drawback is potentially not having a relationship with that family member, but for some people, it is necessary to protect their mental health.”
How is it different for LGBTQ+ people?
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Heterosexual people may have to sever ties with their family over political disagreements, substance abuse issues, emotional or physical abuse, or a host of other problems, but for queer people, there is usually an underlying judgment about who they are at their core. As an adult, this can be intimidating and heartbreaking if your family cuts you off, but for young people — especially trans teenagers — it can also be dangerous.
“Some LGBTQ+ people might face homophobia and transphobia in their family dynamics, making it unsafe for them to come out,” Roberti-Bruning says. “The fear of being disowned or kicked out of their home is very real, especially if you're a trans teen.”
The flip side of this coin is that for queer people who haven’t been kicked out but are being treated poorly by family because of their gender or sexual identity, they may have to be the ones to cut off contact. “It is common of many queer people to go along with the family story and partially bury their true identity until the pain of this subterfuge become too great and they may need to separate them from the family mythology,” Sovec says.
Is going ‘no contact’ used as a tactic too often?
There has been a lot of discourse lately about going no contact being overused by younger people, but Dr. Ali says that instead of focusing on how many people are choosing this path, we should ask why they feel it is necessary to make this choice. “There has been a lot of backlash regarding ‘how far is too far?’ For the LGBTQ+ community, the importance of safety and security may have key implications that should not be overlooked,” she says. “For example, an individual who comes out to a parent and is encouraged to pursue conversion therapy, is told they are sinful, and is threatened by ‘loved ones’ may consider shifting boundaries to support their safety and well-being.”
This isn’t about jumping on a trend or taking the easy way out of a tough situation. Making the choice to cut off your whole family of origin or a single member can be “one of the scariest things” a queer person will ever do, but it may be necessary to get out of “unhealthy family dynamics,” Sovec says.
“Setting clear boundaries with abusive family members who cannot support a person’s LGBTQIA+ identity allows for personal growth and an escape from the painful efforts of trying to [suppress] their queer identity so as not to offend anyone and maintain a place at the family table,” he explains.
For queer people, there are real reasons behind cutting off your family. “For adult queer people, some family members may refuse to use their correct pronouns and continually deadname them,” Roberti-Bruning says. “The clients I work with have to decide what kind of relationship they want with their family member, and whether they want to put in the work to educate them on their identity. Assuming their family member is willing to have an open mind, which isn't guaranteed.”
If you are considering going no contact, what is important to know?
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If you’ve gotten to the point where going no contact with your family seems like the right choice to make, be gentle with yourself as you experience the grief of losing those relationships, but stay firm in the boundaries you’ve set. “Going no contact should not be impulsive, and for many, it is not. More often, it happens after thorough consideration, investment, and past failed efforts,” Dr. Ali says. “This conclusion is commonly reached out of exhaustion and is a ‘worst-case scenario’ for many who make this choice. Moreover, many who make this decision often question if they are making the right choice. Being clear with yourself on your limits, your energy, and your effort helps to clarify if your decision is aligned with who you are and what you need.”
What do you need to know if you decide to reinitiate contact?
If you decide that enough time has passed, or growth has happened, for you to get in touch with your family again, there is no one path to making that happen. Dr. Ali says that you can start “with a wall and learn that a door or window is more applicable,” but make sure you are clear about the new boundaries.
“Knowing what you can and cannot withstand is critical in considering if and when you can let someone back in,” she says. “A firm boundary, such as going no contact, does not require being enacted in perpetuity. Instead, knowing your boundary means also knowing the context in which it may no longer be required.”
But if you reinitiate contact, be aware that there may still be wounds from being rejected by the people who are supposed to love you unconditionally. “Most people turn to their parents for validation and support and when they are rejected for simply being who they are, it hurts on a core deep level,” Sovec says. “One of the reasons many LGBTQIA+ people struggle with coming out to their families is that they already feel alienated on a daily basis living in a cis/hetero society and when their family rejects them, they can feel as if they have lost everything.”
Which is why the responsibility of fixing the relationship lies with the parents, who need to get “educated, deal with their own emotional baggage, and finally make an effort to know and support their LGBTIA+ child for exactly who they are.”
Sources cited:
Christine Ruberti-Bruning, a licensed therapist in Philadelphia, specializing in queer and trans affirming therapy.
John Sovec, an LGBTQ+ affirming therapist and author of Out: A Parent’s Guide to Supporting Their LGBTQIA+ Kid Through Coming Out and Beyond.
Dr. Shainna Ali, a mental health counselor, educator, and advocate, who has written extensively about the coming out process.
