Red, White & Royal Blue may have taught straight people that gay men can do missionary too, but it was the latest episode of Heated Rivalry that taught them what frotting is.
Frotting falls under the frottage umbrella, which is all about achieving pleasure through rubbing and friction, and includes everything from dry humping to scissoring and tribbing. But frotting involves getting off by rubbing two penises together, usually by one partner taking you both in hand at the same time.
Gay men probably already know what this non-penetrative sex act is, but maybe you’ve never tried it or don’t know how to make it as mind-blowing as it clearly was for queer hockey rivals Shane Hollander (Hudson Williams) and Ilya Rozanov (Connor Storrie).
You probably have oral down pat, but you may need to brush up on your frotting skills, so if you don’t just want those swords crossing, but rubbing up against each other until you both meet a mind-blowing end, then pay attention.
To get you the lowdown on how to frot, we talked to Dr. Michael Stokes, a sex therapist and men’s sexual health expert with Mister Health; Sofie Roos, a bisexual licensed sexologist, relationship therapist and author at relationship magazine Passionerad; and LGBTQ+ dating and sex expert Noah Heymann, who is the self-proclaimed “go-to coach for gay bears, chubs, and chasers.”
1. Talk first, frot later
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Good communication is the key to getting enthusiastic consent and making sex pleasurable. "Talk about what you’re curious about, what feels good, and what you aren’t into before you start the session,” Roos says. “This makes everyone feel safer and more able to enjoy the moment.”
Dr. Stokes also says that you should over-communicate when you're trying out a new sex act, even while in the throes of pleasure. “Saying something like ‘softer' or 'right there' gives your partner the simple cues to understanding what feels good," he says.
And just because there’s no penetration doesn’t mean you don’t need to have the safe sex talk. “STI risks may be reduced, but are not gone, particularly herpes, so talk it out and practice safer sex as needed,” Heymann warns.
2. Lube is your friend
Lube almost always makes sex more comfortable, but with frotting, Dr. Stokes says you want to “use a tiny bit of lube on both sides of your shaft to have some control without losing sensation.”
Instead of the application of lube being entirely utilitarian, Roos recommends making it part of your foreplay. “Using some lube will make the frotting ten times more pleasurable as it decreases the friction and makes it softer and more comfy, especially in the beginning before you get naturally lubed up — so place something either directly on your penises or on the hands,” she explains.
Heymann also says that Albolene makeup remover cream is “a favorite as lube for frotting because it doesn’t dry out,” and since there is no penetration, you don’t have to worry about the ingredients as much.
3. What to do with your hands
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You're going to want to glide your hands up and down the shafts once you have them lined up, experimenting with how much pressure you use with your grip. “You want to promote guided friction and this can be promoted by placing your hands at the base of your shafts," Dr. Stokes advises.
Also, remember to move around and adjust yourselves until it feels good to both of you. “You want to find a direction that promotes comfort, so don’t be afraid to adjust yourself until you [are] aligned in the best direction,” he says.
4. Try different positions
Since there is no penetration happening, you have more options when it comes to how you position your bodies. “Stand, sit or lay down,” Roos says. “When it comes to frotting, there’s no right and wrong, so I truly recommend folks to get experimental and try different positions until finding what feels most relaxing and natural!”
Dr. Stokes also says that frotting doesn’t have to be focused solely on your penis. “This is about using your entire body to leverage sensation and enhance the experience,” he says. “This can be locking chests, leg placement, kissing, body pressure, etc to level up the intensity.”
6. Take your time
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If you’re new to frotting, don’t feel like you have to rush into it, and go slow once you decide to give it a try. This will help you pay attention to your partner’s nonverbal cues and allow you time to experiment with hand placement and pressure. “I strongly recommend all beginners to take it easy, as frottage is just as much about the feeling as it is the tempo,” Roos says. “By starting slowly and softly, you can more easily discover what positions and ways of stimulating that feel good!”
7. Add toys
Frotting can be great on its own, but once you feel comfortable doing it, why not level up and “combine penetrative and/or vibrating toys with the frottage,” Heymann says. You can try adding penetrating toys like dildos, butt plugs, or prostate massagers, or experiment with frotting while one of you wears a vibrating cock ring. Have fun!
Sources cited:
Dr.Michael Stokes, a sex therapist and men’s sexual health expert with Mister Health.
Sofie Roos, a bisexual licensed sexologist, relationship therapist, and author at relationship magazine Passionerad.
LGBTQ+ dating and sex expert Noah Heymann, who is the self-proclaimed “go-to coach for gay bears, chubs, and chasers.”
