Open Post: By A Lesbian Sports' Lovers Liver
SheWired's sports' enthusiast Helen Wortham, a Pennsylvania native, has been putting her liver through ringer with the Phillies in the world series. Here's a lowdown of sports from the point of view of that beleaugured organ.
Hello, and welcome to the sports article, guest-hosted by me...Helen's over-worked liver. The idiot that can feel me hardening under her right breast has been a very busy girl lately; staying up late nights watching the Phillies lose every game since the first to the dark dynasty that is the Yankees. To calm her nerves she's been coaxed into complete decadence: girl-party after party and girl-drink after drink.
I don't know how she finds these things, but Game 3 had her attending a pajama party on the South side of town. She drank at least one flavored malt beverage -- princess doesn't like the taste of real beer -- for every inning.
Nine ladies...I had to process over nine alcoholic beverages, while my buddy the stomach worked on little baby hotdogs wrapped in pretzels and one of each color "P-decorated" cupcake.
Which brings us to Sunday and Game 4. Long before those baseball jocks were reaching for their cups, someone told my girl that it would be a great idea to start out early in the morning and make a whole day of it. Philly vs. New York. Football and Baseball...
Unfortunately for all her internal organs she loved the idea.
Women were invited and my enzymes started processing vodka via a Bloody Mary at 9 a.m. Atrophied muscle groups were asked to play one of those bean bag toss games and the stomach was asked to not toss a potent mixture of Mexican omelets and Halloween candy. Ears received a message about switching to iced tea, but neurons got crossed and hands reached for a vodka flavored that way.
more on next page...
Her eyes gave up the ghost briefly after the Eagles took the Giants back to school, but it was obvious that my host hasn't learned anything from there because she popped back up for the baseball national anthem and popped in large pieces of stromboli like she was a starving blue whale. Hand / eye coordination or just plain muscle memory was still intact and her team won yet another of the dreaded beanbag toss games. Finally her ears were properly used to listen to her girlfriend tell her to pack it up. They were headed home. Thank goodness.
There are three games left and I'm not sure how much more I can take. All her anatomy is pulling double shifts except her brain, which appears to have shut down completely...especially at the office the next day. When will the horror end?
Wait...what's that, brain? Seems that a lesbian has just bought the Chicago Cubs: Laura Rickets, board member of Lambda Legal. Oh dear, do I feel sorry for her liver...