Welcome back to SheWired's exclusive series 'Out on Campus,' brought to you by SheWired Associate Shannon Connolly and Senior Editor Tracy E. Gilchrist. We are busy combing college campuses across the nation -- or even around the world -- to bring readers a varied perspective on coming out or being out at college.
Enjoy, and if you'd like to be a part of our series please email me at [email protected].
The only way I can describe being out at Virginia Commonwealth University is in stages, because sometimes life imposes like that. My experience traversing the realms of the LGBT community and identity commenced the first week of school when I met a hyper-flamboyant gay boy named Kyle who invited me to his lover-at-the-time’s apartment on Franklin and 2nd street. When I sobered up the next morning in jail, after drinking for the first time, and getting arrested for the first time, he was one of the first people I called, and we’ve been friends ever since.
Submerging myself into a community I had no prior awareness of, I forged specific bonds with people I met at VCU. Half of all of my closest friendships were formed drinking out of plastic bottles quietly in dorm rooms, hunting for student IDs so we could get in for free before 11 o’clock and taking care of friends who couldn’t even make it into the door. Young and loyal, we all clung to each other and the notion that one day, those bright, beautiful confident faces we saw every Wednesday night at the gay club downtown would be us -- realized.
Being out at VCU really means delving into a rich culture of marginalized men and women. It means separating yourself from the surface to find out what you’re made of and who you were meant to be. My first heartbreak gave me a taste of the knowledge and empathy older out, queer VCU students offer. It was my path towards self-construction and truth that led me VCU Women’s Rugby team, a family that I still claim as the only one I need here. I wanted to join the team because of a good friend of mine who invited me to come out and play. I joined the team to let out my frustration at failing to know myself and relieve the tension of the loneliness a young, gay teenager can feel not finding a niche or a lover -- two things that I feel are vital to survival in the larger world in all gay communities.
The team gave me more than a physical outlet for my emotional distress. They offered up a chance for me to grow, to understand that sometimes you don’t have to be alone to find yourself. They listened to all my tales of disaster, rejection, and turmoil and in turn gave me mirth and pleasure. The rugby team in practice and in theory denotes family and community. Already overlooked because we are women playing sports, the double lash of being labeled as rough lesbians hasn’t yet deterred the sport and team from achieving amazing goals.
Practicing twice a week and devoting the entire weekend to the sport, rugby encompasses forming bonds, opening lines of communication and having fun. The way in which this uplifted my spirit is unmatched. There were a good handful of out, strong, lesbian women on the team that I looked to as role models and for guidance. One of them, who has since graduated and on her way to getting her pHD, is Monica Motley.
A pivotal moment fore me was when she and another teammate called on me to have a conversation about my life and where it was going. During the talk, Monica outlined the importance of having older, wiser, lesbian role models for the upcoming gay rugby girls, or any that happen to come up under your wing. She told me that it's hard enough being a young lesbian in our world, role models are there to save you from the mistakes you don’t really have to make. I remember her words to this day and she remains a vital presence in my life.
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Older, and somewhat more experienced now, different people represent various aspects of being out here at VCU. For friends of mine who run and participate in an organization called Queer Action, they represent the awareness and publication of our presence at VCU. I try to remember my history every so often and all the male and female heroes who fought for me to even be able to write about my experience as an out lesbian and this makes me try to do all I can to keep fighting for rights I believe in.
Recently, last Friday in fact, was the National Day of Silence. I sent out text messages and created events on Facebook and invited all of my close friends, straight or gay, and told them to come out and help. One important thing to keep in mind about being out on campus is that your straight allies matter just as much as the work you do for your oppressed LGBT groups. I have friends who are so immersed in the niche that lesbians have formatted nicely here that the idea of roaming outside of these boundaries is frightening, uncomfortable, and bizarre.
For most of my group of friends, going to a frat party isn’t even a question: it’s just not done. Knowing who is going to attend a party is often vital to avoid entering a situation in which we may feel uncomfortable being who we are and loving who we want to. Sometimes being out at VCU means self-alienation and the implications are troubling sometimes. Yet it’s never enough to deter us from creating good times.
Some of the best times that I share with my friends now are reminiscing,sharing outrageous stories that we collect and trade like cards. Go up and ask each one of my friends and they’ll each give you a different story and probably a different version. Whether it's the time the rugby team got kicked out of Mars Bar and got into a fist fight with a boy, or the time I left a party and ran to Belle Isle until morning and, upon returning to my dorm, a security desk worker knocked on my door in the interior of the house to tell me, “The rugby team is looking for you."
Or then there was the time we were kicked out a frat party for being gay. We’ll tell you each anecdote with a smile because we knew, every single time, we had each other’s support, concern, and love. Being out here at VCU is going to be different for every young, queer male or female just trying to figure it all out, but for me, creating home away from home was vital for my soul awakening, and the renewal of my purpose and spirit.
