Our culture is youth-obsessed, but while straight men think you have to be young to be hot, lesbians and sapphics are less likely to have this hang up.
What queer women know that others fail to understand is that heteronormative ideas about women losing their sex appeal after age 30 are all outrageous and demeaning.
Society may try to brainwash all of us into thinking youth is the most important commodity a woman possesses, but the number of sapphics in old proves that queer women have broken out of the roles society tries to shove down their throats and are comfortable dating in a way that subverts cultural expectations in multiple ways.
Attraction and desire are expansive and varied, so why limit ourselves when older women are not only hot as hell but also have a world of things they can teach you in the bedroom? I mean, have you seen Jenny Shimizu or Sarah Paulson lately?
But why do queer women love Older Wiser Lesbians (OWLs)? To get to the bottom of this question, we talked to Dr. Ruth Schwartz, an author, certified sex and intimacy coach, and director at the lesbian-focused Conscious Girlfriend Academy; and Gabrielle Kassel, queer sex educator for DatingAdvice.com.
What does it say about lesbians and sapphics that they tend to have a greater appreciation and attraction to older women?
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Lesbians and sapphics aren’t beholden to the same beauty standards as heterosexual women, so it’s easier to be open enough to allow for the possibility that an older woman might be attractive. “Since lesbians have stepped outside the mainstream just to claim our sexual identities, it makes sense that it's also easier for us to redefine beauty and desirability in deeper and more expansive ways,” Dr. Schwartz tells PRIDE. “I'm proud of us for this, and also - as a woman over 60 myself - I'm grateful! In my own experience and the experiences of many other lesbians I know, some of the very best sex can happen over 60.”
Queer women don’t have to adhere to these rigid beauty standards, whereas the heterosexual world considers looking young to be the only thing that matters if you’re a woman. “Simply, aging is framed as the ultimate evil,” Kassel says. “Without the shackles of heterosexual beauty standards, lesbians and sapphics may be more free to see aging women/not-men as confident, grounded, knowledgeable, sexy, and self-possessed.”
1. Knowledge and experience
With age comes knowledge and experience, and that can be especially important and affirming for younger folks in the LGBTQ+ community. While straight relationships are front and center in our society and constantly explored in media, it can be harder for young sapphics to access queer cultural history, figure out what relationship dynamics should look like when gender norms are off the table, or know all that dating and sex can encompass in a sapphic relationship.
“Age-gap relationships give younger individuals access to queer history and mentorship,” Kassel says. “Queer history is rarely taught in schools. And many LGBTQ+ people grow up without access to queer elders or mentors. This can create an emotional and intellectual gap that some younger queer people may try to fill through partnership. Sometimes that looks like gravitating toward an older partner who, intentionally or not, becomes a kind of queer historian and guide.”
Gay men may have a problem with being youth-obsessed — just think about the whole twink archetype — but there is also a long history of gay men dating and mentoring younger men, especially after the AIDs crisis left a huge gap in the community. “The AIDS epidemic created a generational rupture where so many gay men’s stories were lost, and thus the need to keep their stories going by passing them down to the younger generations,” Kassel explains. “But other queer communities—including lesbian and sapphic ones—have also had our experiences systematically erased.”
But queer age-gap relationships aren’t all about mentorship, sometimes it’s just about being attracted to the other person regardless of age. “It’s just as valid to be attracted to partners in and around your age,” she says. “Queer folks are not a monolith. Sure, some lesbians and sapphics prefer older folks and some younger. So long as navigated with consent and care, these can all be normal experiences of connection.”
2. OWLs are hot
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Ok, so this might not be the most elevated reason why sapphics and lesbians date older women, but that doesn’t make it inaccurate! Older women are hot too, and their sexual prowess, gained through years of experience, just makes them even sexier.
Sapphics aren’t beholden to the insulting cultural scripts that say women over 30 are over the hill and no longer sexually attractive. Women age like fine wine, despite what Hollywood and incels would have you believe, and women are less likely to get hung up on wrinkles and grey hair like straight men tend to. “Women seem naturally to be able to find one another beautiful and desirable despite, or alongside, the changes brought by an aging body,” Dr. Schwartz says.
3. Varied sex life
The beauty of being in a sapphic relationship is that you’re sex life is already expansive and includes so much more than just penetration. This means that not only do OWLs have a wealth of sexual knowledge to share, but because lesbian and sapphic sex is already so diverse, it’s not hard to find things to get you both off regardless of how your body changes when you age.
“Since lesbian sex is more varied, thinning vaginal tissue doesn't have to be a problem,” Dr. Schwartz says. “Women have so many different ways to enjoy ourselves and each other, sensually and sexually.”
4. Breaking social norms
Just being in a lesbian or sapphic relationship is transgressive in a society that still holds on tight to conservative values, traditional gender roles, and heteronormativity. So adding in the taboo of an age-gap relationship isn’t a big stretch when you’re already living outside the bounds of the “normal” relationship model. “Once you’ve broken one norm, breaking others feels easier,” Kassel says. “Queer people are already going against the dominant sexuality cultural script around who we’re 'supposed' to date, mate, and love. When you’ve already straddled the hurdle of breaking one norm, breaking another — including as the expectation that partners should be roughly the same age or that the woman should be younger — can feel more surmountable.”
5. Later-in-life lesbians
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Older women may feel more kinship and attraction to younger sapphics if they came out later in life because their life experiences may overlap more with younger lesbians who are also "exploring dating apps, building community, going out, meeting queer bars, and nailing down their identity for the first time,” Kassel explains.
“There are a lot of people whose sexuality evolves in such a way that they are not lesbian until later in life,” she says. “Similarly, there are many other individuals who do not or cannot not share their identity (i.e. come out) until later in life due to things such as family pressure, religious upbringing, lack of exposure, internalized homophobia, and so on.”
6. Age-gap relationships are romanticized
Some queer women may also be drawn to age-gap relationships because they’ve been romanticized in queer media. “Limited queer media has strongly romanticized the older-woman/younger-woman dynamic,” Kassel says. “Despite being limited, queer cinema has disproportionately shown story lines featuring older-woman/younger-woman romances.”
Kassel cites lesbian classics like Carol, Saving Face, Ammonite, and Loving Annabelle as films that make queer age-gap relationships look enticing. “A lot of these movies play into the trope that the older woman is the one who is ‘indoctrinating’ the younger person into the LGBTQ community,” she says. “The power dynamic that this creates on screen is, simply, good television and thus used repeatedly.”
Sources cited:
Dr. Ruth Schwartz, an author, certified sex and intimacy coach, and director at the lesbian-focused Conscious Girlfriend Academy.
Gabrielle Kassel, queer sex educator for DatingAdvice.com.
4. Cleansing after a fightBeatriz Vera/Shutterstock
1. Cord-cutting
