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Gossip Girl and Her Gay: Jennifer Garner, Penelope Cruz, Betty White

Gossip Girl and Her Gay: Jennifer Garner, Penelope Cruz, Betty White

SheWired Editor and lesbian pop culture savant Tracy E. Gilchrist and Advocate.comEditor and fervent gay boy Ross von Metzke are back by not-so-popular demand. This week the pop-culture depraved duo weighs in on Jennifer Garner's one night only with a dolphin, Penelope Cruz's swashbuckling, rum guzzling casting in Pirates 4, Kelly Clarkson flipping the proverbial bird to her record company, Kate Winslet donning Joan Crawford drag for a Mildred Pierce mini series, Betty White and Valerie Bertinelli in a new sitcom and much more random crap.

SheWired Editor Tracy E. Gilchrist and Editor Ross von Metzke are back by not-so-popular demand terrorizing SheWired readers with a little column we like to call Gossip Girl and Her Gay, essentially an IM session between gay friends who work together that reeks of solipsism, celebrity gawking, personal attacks on each other and ridiculousness.

This week the pop-culture depraved duo weighs in on Jennifer Garner's one night only with a dolphin, Penelope Cruz's swashbuckling, rum guzzling casting in Pirates 4, Kelly Clarkson flipping the proverbial bird to her record company, Kate Winslet donning Joan Crawford drag for a Mildred Pierce mini series, Betty White and Valerie Bertinelli in a new sitcom and much more random crap. And thanks to Boo Jarchow for arting this mess.

Tracy E. Gilchrist: Do you have time to bullshit with me about what's going on in the world?

Ross von Metzke: Yeah... No time like the present... Or do I have to wait 45 mins while you head for the loo, check dlisted three times, fill up your thermos, put on your SheWired hoodie and chastise Boo for not using italics correctly?

TEG: Give me 10?I'll do all of that in that time.

RvM: Wow... You’ve really streamlined your process.

TEG: Yes, darling. Adderall.

RvM: Hurry up, girl... Tales of Archie Panjabi and Winslet's tatas are burning a hole in my chair.

TEG: Alright bitch. Let's go. By the time you get back to me the pregnant man will be catching up to Michelle Duggars for fame-whoring baby making.

RvM: I can’t shit talk about the pregnant man with you. Sorry. We gotta talk about something else. I get in deep shit with trans activists for going there.

TEG: Why? You don't want my head to spin off in an Andrea Dworkin style feminist rant about men --trans or otherwise -- having babies?

RvM: That’s your special relationship with Neal Cathy Rigby Broverman. We have a different rapport.

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TEG: Well, for the record, this is not a trans issue for me. It is about the selfish need to have children with one's own DNA -- but then I don't have a maternal instinct in my body, unless you count kittens.

RvM: Yeah... But then again, I feel the same about Celine. She’s tried five times to get knocked up. She’s worth a billion dollars. Charter a jet for Haiti, and find a kid.

TEG: Exactly. They can't all be Angelina. Okay. Jennifer Garner humped a dolphin.How do we feel about that?

RvM: I knew you’d love that. Well, you know, if a dolphin came on me, I might have mixed feelings. I mean, I’d be flattered. And your leg is already in water, but really, I’d just feel cheap.

TEG: I know. Used right? I’m sure Jennifer was not the only lady tourist that dolphin used.

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RvM: Jennifer probably had some pointers for Ben after that. She’s getting a lot of action these days.

TEG: I would bet that Ben is at least hung like a dolphin.

RvM: Anne Hathaway is running around town telling peeps she’s a good kisser.

TEG: I know. Where's the clip damn it? Is it like the unicorn of onscreen lesbian kisses that only the cherished few will get to see?Or do you think they got tanked on Veuve in Anne's trailer during Valentine's Day and accidentally made out with the webcam on?

RvM: They probably switched bras and asked Biel to join, but she has a stick up her ass, so she bowed out.

TEG: Ha. I think Biel's bra would have been among the "which one of these things does not belong." She's chestier than them no?

RvM: Oh probably. Wonder if Latifah got in on that…

TEG: Well, considering you could smuggle spaghetti squash in Latifah's bra I imagine she did her own thing.

RvM: HAHAHA. With Kathy Bates.

TEG: Hang on. Phone call.

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RvM: Kay.

RvM: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Oh, I’m sorry. What?

TEG: Ha.

RvM: You mentioned Beil, and I dozed.

TEG: That's what I do with the cast of Grey's, save for that hot bitch Ramirez and her little lesbo love Capshsaw.

RvM: I haven’t watched that shit ever.

TEG: I watch it when I have insomnia.

RvM: I don’t do the whole many hungry woman who can’t make up her mind about love or career but fucks everything in whitey-tighties angst dramedy thing.

TEG: Even when it's Patrick Dempsey? Mr. McSleepy?

RvM: Yeah, both he and Dane bore me. Now, if it had been Rob Lowe – who is who was supposed to play that part, me and my Frito Lays would be front and center every Thursday.

TEG: Aren’t you and your Lays busy with some other crap on Thursday? Lost? Re-runs of Maude?

RvM: Lost is Tuesdays... Open a TV Guide, lady... On Thursdays, I’m usually drunk somewhere. Or watching Dexter on DVD.

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TEG: Yes dear. So, Penelope Cruz in a bodice and wielding a sword while hanging from the sails!Do you think she'll out do Geena Davis in Cutthroat Island?

RvM: That’s like asking if Cher in Burlesque will outdo Gina Gershon in Showgirls... Or if Lady Gaga in Chicago would outdo Ashlee Simpleton.

TEG: Now come on.Lady Gaga and Ashlee -- really?Unfair.

RvM: OK, Geena has an Oscar, and Ashlee as a restraining order from the City of Toronto.

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TEG: Still, I haven't seen a Pirates movie since Keira was knee-high to an elderberry but I will shell out $14 at the Arclight Cineramadome to see Penny shackle her to a treasure chest -- and by treasure chest I mean....

RvM: Yes, dear. I know... Popcorn down your bodice and poppers in your purse.

TEG: Mmmmm. Anyway, what’s with Kelly Clarkson starting shit with Swifty's publicist?

RvM: Girl, that’s last week's news! This week’s news...

TEG: I know but we never chatted.

RvM: Is that Kelly hates her record label for not letting her be the next Dusty Springfield with a big rump.

TEG: Kelly verbally flipped the bird to her record label.I'll bet once she's out of that deal she'll slim right down. I’m convinced she's purposely pissing them off by looking like a healthy girl!

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RvM: Can you imagine? Deal ends and she looks like Shakira.

TEG: And ends up on the Indigo Girls indie record label?

RvM: Doing duets with Paula Cole, Mandy Moore, Pink and India Arie…

TEG: Oh My God. I would fall asleep to that nightly!Moving on.Archie Panjabi on Good Wife. She's a regular Nancy Drew with a dark side and lesbian tendencies. I love it.

RvM: Yes. I love that feisty little thing... Solving the crime, throwing the case, and batting away horny college freshmen with a stick.

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TEG: OkayI know you're busy with your "job" reporting on gay rights and crap but get back here and talk to me about five hours of Winslet channeling Joan Crawford in a miniseries remake of Mildred Pierce!

RvM: Yeah... I haven’t seen Mildred Pierce in a long time. What are the odds she'll lob a tit out?

TEG: Joan's were pretty strapped down and lifted in her Playtex 24-hour numbers but maybe this Mildred will end up like a combo of Kate naked in The Reader, Kate in the buff in Revolutionary Road and Kate doing the full monty in Little Children.

RvM: My fave is Kate nude in Holy Smoke. Doesn’t she piss on Harvey Keitel?

TEG: She pees down her leg in front of Harvey Keitel. That must have been a long day on the set.And she snogs a chick.She ain't shy that one...Which is why Halle Berry wishes she were that free.

RvM: I don’t need to see Harvey Keitel get peed on by Halle Berry. Now, Halle peeing on Charlize – that I could handle!

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TEG: OH Lord.... This is a slippery slope. Pun intended.I forgot to say DAMN yoooooooou.For losing us the opportunity to be a part of possibly the gayest thing we've ever done (apart from a night I had in Milan in 1991 that I'd rather not mention). I can't believe we missed out on watching the brilliant talents of Betty White and Valerie Bertinelli up close and personal shooting their new sitcom Hot in Cleveland.

RvM: I didn’t find out until, like, 30 mins before! Besides, would you have really gone if there was no chance to change out of your SheWired hoodie? Valerie wouldn't respond well to Yoplait stains and the smell of journalist on deadline…

TEG: Nasty. And my hair clutched in my fist as I swear at my computer?

RvM: Yeah... you wear it well. Besides, you’d be trying to schtupp Valerie, I’d be with Betty and Wendie Malick trying to do gin shots.

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TEG: Well, let's be real. I'd do gin shots with you, Valerie and the Golden Girls Next Gen and then I'd try to get with Barbara Cooper.

RvM: I see how it is. Ok girl. I gotta go see a soap writer about an up close with Susan Lucci. And I think you have a Kelly Clarkson support group to attend.

TEG: I do.My name is Tracy and I like hard drinking, big girls from Texas who can serenade me while throwing me around.

RvM: My name is Ross, and I like chesty girls from Connecticut who are wanted in two states for indecent exposure and know all the lyrics to Joni Mitchell's “Both Sides Now.”

TEG: "Moons and Junes and Ferris Wheels..." I relent. You win, you slut.

RvM: Alright... Bye Busty McLoose Pants

TEG: Ciao Round-Bootie McBendover.

Get more Gossip Girl and Her Gay and other entertainment and culture from Tracy here!

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