How To Kick Butt At Dodgeball, Even If You're A Hot Drunk Mess

The opportunity to play boozy dodgeball will get me out of bed in the morning. Whether you're one of the go-go dancers or celesbians getting ballsy this weekend at The Dinah's annual dodgeball game, or you're planning a pick up game with friends, I have seven tips to make sure you play for an epic win.

1. Remember you are a freaking BEAST. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

2. Resign to the fact that you will probably fracture your scull if you try to be this guy.

3. Consider using eye black, and then writing something on top of it, Tim Tebow style. I've heard that's "intimidating." Or it will at least distract other players who try to read what's on your face. BONUS: it will entice women to come up to you and look you right in the cheekbones.

4. Use your entire body to catch the ball if you have to, but remember to actually wrap your arms around the ball once it lands on your body (let the ball come to you). Otherwise you're out. Which is fine if you want to take a break to chat up some pretty lady who is also in dodgeball jail. In the words of Mills Lane:
 

5. If you're beyond "definitely buzzing a little" territory, forget trying to do that thing where you block an incoming ball with the ball that you're already holding. I promise, it will just be a disaster.  

6. Communicate with your teammates. Your intoxication can be an advantage if you act as the kamikaze player who is loud, flailing, and just constantly gets hit, so your teammates can launch a counter-attack. Or, stand in the back and use your teammate as a shield. One of these is noble, the other is smart.

7. Keep your feet moving. People are sneaky, and they like to throw balls at feet to get people out (as a side note: throw balls at people's feet to get them out).