SheWired Editor Tracy E. Gilchrist and Advocate.com Editor Ross von Metzke are back by not-so-popular demand terrorizing SheWired readers with a little column we like to call Gossip Girl and Her Gay, essentially an IM session between gay friends who work together that reeks of solipsism, celebrity gawking, personal attacks on each other and ridiculousness.
Ross and Tracy have been on hiatus since Tracy was in a Dinah spiral with thousands of hammered lesbians in Palm Springs. Dependently inchoherent, the pair is even worse now that they are back. So good luck trying to keep up as they discuss The Dinah, losing Charlie himself John Forsythe and the lack of a Sandra Bullock sex tape. Plus, Ellen DeGeneres takes on the Sutton family of Family Feud fame and Kim Catrall starring in Private Lives in the West End sparks a host of effed up casting decisions. Also, Sarah Palin and just when is Betty White starring on SNL?
Thanks to Boo Jarchow for arting this mess.
TEG: I just deleted my sent messages from 3/10 til now and it was 566 messages. How is a person supposed to do actual work when there are that many emails?
RvM: I think I’m around that. If I had to guess. Now I’m curious.
TEG: It is so crazy.
RvM: 857
TEG: I want to see studies about how much info a person can process. Show-off! Jesus that's bad.
RvM: Some of my emails say “K”
TEG: Hahaha. Still.
RvM: I found one that says “mmmmhmmm”
TEG: Hahahahhahaha. That's 38.9 emails a day for you.
RvM: ‘Cept I don’t email on Sundays.
TEG: Actually some of mine are under SheWired Staff, so I have to add those in too.
RvM: Per Dr. Jonah Perlmutter
TEG: Jonah Perlmutter. Nice jewish shrink?
RvM: Yes.
TEG: Hahaha.
RvM: Much better than Nina Stark-Morris.
TEG: Hahahahahaha. We need to gossip. It has been far too long.
RvM: Start talking, bitch. Sorry. Gurl!
TEG: I am about as focused as a flea but here goes.
RvM: I can start, if you like.
TEG: Yes dear. I am in a post Dinah coma. I'm like a George Romero zombie, not a Danny Boyle zombie.
RvM: I know you’ve been bugging me all day to chat, but I had to call my old therapist Nina Stark -Morris for some sage advice on a lil problem I’m having with my drunken Quentin Tarantino loving landlord. I got time for you now. How was that Dinah Shore? I didn’t see any pics of you tit up in a jacuzzi tub.
TEG: Nope. Not me. I was too busy doing my lesbian version of Lilltih 2010 singing 10,000 Maniacs and Eurythmics in the SheWired lounge.
RvM: Yes, I got your text trying to lure me to the desert with the promise of Deborah Cox.
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TEG: Brought out the Broadway with Gloria Bigelow to do "All That Jazz." Stayed away from the pool. I was too bloated to be seen in a bikini.
TEG: Or a jog bra shorts set. Hahaha. I know who Deborah Cox is now that my gay spinning teacher plays her.
RvM: With tune? Which? Early Deb?
TEG: How the hell do I know? He always anounces it's her though.
RvM: Queer.
TEG: My fave though was when he played early Erasure and asked if anyone in the class knew what it was. So, of course I busted out with "Oh L'Amour!"
RvM: And 17 UCLA students turned their bikes to you.
TEG: They wanted to know who the queer old broad with the big tits was. So, since I was in the desert enduring an earthquake with 10,000 dykes in jog bras, what the hell is going on in the gossip world?
RvM: Well, I know you found out today John Forsythe died. I think he is already in the ground. So, you’re not exactly on the pulse.
TEG: I know. Between Charlie's Angels and Dynasty he was pretty much there for all of my burgeoning gayness. Cheryl Ladd.... Pamela Sue Martin and Heather Locklear. Sad really.
RvM: How time flies. I don’t even know who Pamela is, Cheryl Ladd just came off a two year stint playing wifey to Jimmy Caan and Heather is that blonde with the lopsided face four and a half people watch each week on Melrose 2.0.
TEG: Pamela Sue Martin was the original Fallon Carrington Colby before she was kidnapped by aliens, administered the anal probe and returned to earth British in the form of Emma Samms. She married some Saudi billionaire and has never been heard from since. She was also Nancy Drew on the Nancy Drew Mystery Hour -- much hotter than Emma Roberts.
RvM: I’m a huge Nancy Drew queen. I used to fanatsize about her having a three way with two of The Hardy Boys. Oh, shiit…. Did I type that?
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TEG: OH damn. I used to fantasize about her having a three-way with her BFF's Bess and George (who was a girl with a boy's name -- so ahead of its time)!
RvM: We gotta get out of this Carolyn Keene nightmare before I start talking about my prepubescent fascination with Deenie and Are You There God, It's Me, Margaret. Anyhoo…
TEG: Don't start Blubber!
RvM: Hahahaha!
TEG: But I agree. This is totally un-PC but I am a little disappointed there is no Sandy B. sex tape.
RvM: I know you were hoping for that, honey. I just didn’t know how to break it to you that no matter how long and hard you prayed, she did not make a 10-day set visit to Revolutionary Road and break up Kate and Sam.
TEG: You know, I was brought up to believe that if I wanted something badly enough it would eventually come true if I wished really hard -- that and if I clicked my red construction boots together three times.
RvM: You’d wind up working as a roadie on KD Langs Canadian tour?
TEG: Hell no. I want to sing on a country tour. I am not roadie material. I hate heavy lifting. I'm like Grace Adler -- I just like to lie there.
RvM: Which is why your texting me on a Saturday night to split of a box of wine and watch Coco Before Chanel.
TEG: OOh. I haven't seen that yet. But exactly. So... do you think the Sutton family from....let's just say Rapid City, Iowa will take up Ellen's offer and take their family feud to her show?
RvM: I think Mrs. Sutton probably slapped the crap after Mr. when they got backstage. Hates America. Please, its probably true. But do you have to go there on daytime? Hell, I aint a gun toting, flag waving patriot these days myself.
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TEG: Who wouldn't hate America right now? Tea baggers (and not the kind in John Waters' masterpiece Pecker), Confederate History Month, Sarah Palin --the anti-Oprah-- gets a talk show. We both went there.
RvM: We did. So what else girl? Not Lohan. I know you love her, but she seriously hurst my head these days.
TEG: She's too messy for me now. I like fun messes. Like Winona Ryder, who seems to have grown out of her fancy clepto days. Anna Paquin goes both ways, and I don't mean vampire and human.
RvM: Bah dum. Really girl? Don’t recycle SheWired headlines and use them as jokes for Gossip Girl. I know your lazy, but pls!
TEG: You caught me but at least I know you read my site. Thank you.
RvM: Screen grabs from Boo. Jk. You know I read. Me and our fan Nilshaya. Is that her name?
TEG: Nilshaira. I hope we didn't lose her with our big hiatus.
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RvM: I’m sorry Nilshaira, I cant spell. Hope your still reading. I sure as hell wouldn't be.
TEG: Kim Cattrall on Broadway in Noel Coward. Now that is gay.
RvM: That is gay. First Polanski now Coward. What's next? Kim Catrall does Ibsen?
TEG: Kim Catrall as Hedda Gabler.
RvM: Heidi Montag as Hester Prynne.
TEG: Sarah Jessica Parker as Elektra. Nice. Crucible refererence.
RvM: That’s Scarlet Letter you undereducated ho!
TEG: Oh shit.
RvM: But since you brought up Crucible.
TEG: Who's the repressed bitch from the Crucible? I have Winona Ryder on the brain. She already played her.
RvM: That’s Abigail Williams. She did it with Joan Allen as Elizabeth Proctor, but I’m much more partial to the busted late 90s version made for tv with Kirstie Alley in the lead, Shirley Maclaine as Rebecca Nurse and, in a small role, my girl Rebecca Demornay.
TEG: Did John Waters cast that?
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RvM: Here
TEG: That's like Traci Lords as Ophelia. And Patty Hearst as Miss Julie.
RvM: Girl, Gloria Reuben played the slave woman, Tituba.
TEG: I just saw that. That poor woman. Such a good actress surrounded by made-for-TV movie queens and Jenny Craig drop outs.
RvM: Um, Shirley Maclaine was in it? Hello.
TEG: I don't have an excuse for Shirley Maclaine.
RvM: Paycheck. She was out drinking with Ryan Phillippe and it sounded fun.
TEG: HUH?
RvM: Don’t you remember that Golden Globes? The year Reese won and he was drunk.
TEG: That's a little too May /December for me. I think I was drunk, or in the bathroom for the 8th time.
RvM: And later, he said it was cuz he was doin shots with his tablemate Shirley Maclaine.
TEG: I hope he was playing Clairee to her Weezer.
RvM: Oh probably. Do you mind if we wrap this up?
TEG: I know.
RvM: My bra's pinching!
TEG: You have to go home and prep for Betty White on SNL.
RvM: Is that this weekend?
TEG: Which includes a facial and a full body wax. Yes, darling.
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RvM: OMG! I’m so pissed!! I forgot!
TEG: I know. I did too and now I have tickets to see Wendy Ho croon "Bitch I Stole Your Purse."
RvM: It’s not this weekend! You liar, its in May!
TEG: Sorry. Wishful thinking but you'll still need time to prep. Kay. Go fix your bra. I took mine off under my hoodie 20 minutes ago.
RvM: You do know your at work, right?
TEG: Yes but I figured you gays wouldn't be looking at my girls so what the hell! What's the equivalent of free balling?
RvM: Going home for the afternoon you pig.
TEG: I knew you couldn't hack it.
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