When a fun-loving pair of gossipy homos gets together, nobody is safe. Sure, instant messaging is a wonderful tool for workplace communication and for late-night, ahem, romantic dalliances. But during those down times in the gay media business, what else is there to do but eviscerate the glitterati?
SheWired.comSenior Editor Tracy E. Gilchrist and Advocate.comEditor-in-Chief Ross von Metzke prove that lesbians and gay men do get along... especially when they're getting bitchy over the latest dirt in Hollywood.
Somewhere between The Golden Globes and The Inauguration this pop-culture obsessed duo devolved into more "Made for Television" hell. This time the pair kick-off with bad-assed cougars Sigourney Weaver and Angela Bassett, moved on to the fat, bloated, white male British Press that's bullying Kate Winslet for her double Globes and then move on to Kirstie Alley playing mentally challenged on Lifetime. Plus, the hot new American Idol judge Kara DioGuardi might keep Tracy glued to the televison for another hapless season and Ross pontificates about the possible Marley and Me pairings including Aniston / Dane / Wilson....none of it's pretty!
RvM: WELL GIRL, if you wanna nail me down, you'd better hop to. I was halfway out the door when your'e IM popped up. But for you, ill indulge.
TEG: Alright, of course, it's Friday. You're probably off to see Bride Wars or some such homo nonsense.
RvM: No... seriously...just came back from testing the new Advocate video player and wound up watching that preview for Prayers for Bobby about 27 times. Damn -- that Sigourney weaver is trying to kill me with tears. Academy Award nominee my ass. She should have at least two trophies for her work as Dana Barrett/Zeul in Ghostbusters.
TEG: Please, she should have been nominated for her role as a fertile sexagenarian in Baby Mama! She wiped the floor with Fey.
RvM: I know... with her 60 year old eggs. that was hot. I love her. she's a handsome woman, but she gets better with age.
TEG Handsome...hmmm. Like that hot bitch Angela Bassett, who gets better with age.
RvM Yeah, Angela Basset's the sort of woman you wouldn't leave your kids alone with, but if she were in your house, you'd lock the door and drop your panties.
TEG: If I had kids...and that's precisely why I don't. Gotta leave my options open.
RvM: Would you leave your cat with her?
TEG: Hmmm. Good question. She'd have that bastard pussy trained to sit, roll over and take out the recycling.
RvM: No shit. that cat would use a toilet and make the bed by the time Angela B. got done with it. Every time I see Angela, I think of her lighting her hubby's clothing on fire in Waiting to Exhale. That's my kind of bitch.
TEG: I like to think of her a sleeveless Limo Driver's uni, showing off her delts and sporting braids in Strange Days.: It would have been fun if she'd schooled Juliete Louis in that.
RvM: Juliette Lewis... sorry, copy editor in me. so we agree. Angela is smokin' -- but that still won't make me watch ER.
TEG: Oh whatever...you who can't use a fucking capital letter or punctuation mark when you type but you can correct me on loopy Juliette what's-her-face's name?
RvM: Everything is lowercase because I'm a huge fan of the poet bell hooks.
TEG: And Rosie O'Donnell apparently.
TEG: and Melissa Etheridge's wife.
TEG: And Lindsay Lohan except for when she's pissed.: And she WRITES IN CAPS!
RvM: No, if I were fan of Rosie O'Donnell, it would be lowercase, in abbreviation, misspelled and written under the influence of a few too many mood stabilizers and six Pabst Blue Ribbons. And if I were Tammy Lynn (I struck gold) Michaels, I'd be breastfeeding while writing. And if I were Lindsay... 2ku3rmo2h w2erf2 klcujnefoun23oicrzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
TEG: Is that supposed to be Lindsay after her Ambien and with a Grey Goose and Red Bull chaser? Moving on... What's up with those fat-assed, straight, white, male, bloated, red-faced, veiny-nosed, drunken tossers the world refers to as the British Press? You know, the ones who are giving my girlfriend Kate Winslet shit for crying over her Globes?
RvM: The same people who wrote off Sally Field for 24 fucking years after "you like me, you really like me."
TEG Bitches. They're all misogynist. And fat!
RvM: That's probably why they're such big fans of Dawn French
TEG She is popular and she's funny as fuck!
RvM: She is. I loved the Vicar of Dibley... underrated. When they tried to do it with Kirstie "I wanna ham sandwich" Alley, I was like, yeah fucking right. That'll last as long as Veronica's Closet. The only good thing about that show was being able to watch the season where Kirstie and Kathy Najimy passed each other in the weight dept.
TEG: Poor Kirstie. I'm not sure if this was me hallucinating after 15 mgs of melatonin, a vat of Sleepytime tea and shoving lavender buds up my nostrils to sleep but I was finally passing out on my couch and saw and advert for Kirstie and Delroy Lindo playing mentally challenged lovers in a Lifetimemovie.
RvM: (Pause for IMDB check) It's called Profoundly Normal and it's the only type of work she could get when Fat Actress went belly up. You think that's good though? Try Holiday in the Heart, a charming Christmas classic starring Ving Rhames, a drag queen named Holiday and Alfre Woodard as his crack-head tenant.
TEG: That's sad. Alfre deserves better work.
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(continued)
RvM: I watched that after two melatonin, a glass of gin and my Nana Cookie's special cupcakes.
TEG: What's in those? Metamucil?
RvM: Metamucil and Sudafed mixed with battery acid and bakers' chocolate
TEG: Sudafed...nice touch.
RvM: I try. So, anything else you feel we need to vent about? It only took us five mins. this time to descend into TV movie hell.
TEG: It's a trap.
RvM: But such a nice trap. I mean, really, if your'e gonna fall, who better to land on than Barbara Cooper?
TEG: Yes, but skinnny Val, is a harder landing than chunky Val.
RvM: Sure, Tyne Daly might be better to break your'e fall, but with Barbara, you can lay longer.
TEG: Oh damn. Speaking of losing weight, that hot bitch trainer Shawnee worked me over so hard I woke up in the middle of the night with aching legs. I had to take six ibuprofen, my leftover codeine cough syrup, roll around in tiger balm and beg my cat to walk up and down the backs of my legs.
RvM: You have a substance problem.
TEG: Clearly. I'm like a whiny Judy Garland light without the impressive vocal pipes.
RvM: Well, and yes, I consider that South of Nowhere crap to be over the counter. It's like cat nip to you lezzies.
TEG: Oh please, like you haven't worn through the pages of your Hugh Jackman / Boy from Oz Playbill. That said, The L Word is over in eight short weeks. I'll have to go make my own memories. Luckily, I'm quite fond of the new American Idol judge, so that will prolong my TV addiction for a tad.
RvM: Kara Dioguardi,.knqwle mcfqw. Something like that. I can't write today. I just like her because I think she looks like mid-run, she'll shoot Paula.
TEG: I know... she's gonna drop kick her or Simon, or both with a pair of real cowboy boots. I can sense it.
RvM: Something tells me Kara and Kelly Clarkson had a mighty nice writing session.
TEG: Oooh. Don't tease. I've already got them in a convertible driving up Mulholland hands on each others thighs.
RvM: Yeah, I'm gonna have to pop that bubble before you get hot n' bothered. I don't have time for that shit. Something? Anything?
RvM: Ahhh, Rojo Caliente. Did that work?
TEG: Pretty much. I'm back.
RvM: Can you believe she lost out on DListed's Hot Slut of the Year Award to Spaghetti Cat? WTF? Rojo is gold. Solid gold...with Spanx.
TEG: I can't believe Michael K allowed a cat with a couple of tricks up his sleeve to beat out the woman who nabbed Cynthia fucking Nixon and converted her. That is a hot slut. Cats turn straight women into lezzies all the time.
RvM: I know. How do you think she did it? Chakra? Cat nip? A spell?
TEG: Big brain Works for me every time...well, that, a nice rack and a rufi.
RvM: see, I never got that turn on. I like to be the smartest. I'll take dumb as a post if he has an ass that cracks walnuts.
TEG: Boys. I wish I were that simple. Look where attraction to smarts got me recently.
RvM: Yeah, you should have put her on the slow boat back to the east coast.
TEG: Okay... on that note. Don't you have Hotel for Dogs to go see or something?
RvM: Fuck you.... though I do love Kudrow... I'm gonna see Notorious tonight. I want that Bassett to spank me into shape
TEG: Kudrow's in Hotel for Dogs?
RvM: She plays the mom. This is what it's come to.
TEG: I might wait and get a double header home alone DVD night with that and Marley and Me.
RvM: nah -- Marley and me is theatre worthy. It's PG but Aniston still finds a way to skinny dip.
TEG : Oooh. She's got a nice backend.
RvM: Unfortunately Owen Wilson joins her.
TEG : I'd rather see Owen buck. It diverts attention away from the schnoz.
RvM: Eric Dane however, is fully clothed. That's how you know some balls-up-his-ass-man directed.
TEG: I'm not sure what that term means but I'm going with straight and uptight.
RvM: Dane / Aniston naked in a pool...porn. Wilson in the pool... Chatsworth porn.
TEG: Sweetie...I hate to interrupt this profoundly intellectual diatribe but...
RvM: Lemme guess. We've been here five mins. You got to go pee.
TEG: Yeah. Sorry. Gotta go. It's tamping down my creativity.
RvM: I'm gonna buy you Depends this weekend on my
Target run.
TEG: Thanks honey, that's thoughtful.
RvM: Night night uptight.
TEG: Ciao...I gotta get ready for L Word at the Falcon Party Sunday night and that's going to take up the better part of the weekend trying to get presentable.
Missed the last Gossip Girl and her Gay? Read it here.
