Where the Girls are on TV

I received an unexpected phone call last week from hot bitch-bait and SheWired.com Senior Editor, Tracy E. Gilchrist who says in a message, “Hi KC, I’ve got a proposition for you—“. I quickly hung up on my voicemail and immediately dialed her back, eagerly anticipating my own acceptance speech (it sounded super good in my head).

She answered, but obviously very busy canoodling away with her gay guy pal/bitch, Ross von Metzke. “Von”, what is he, a fucking prince?

“Hi Tracy… about your proposition… (insert slight heavy breathing)… my thighs are… quiver—"

“Oh, hey KC. Listen, would you be interested in covering Lauren Incognito’s television column… stop Ross, you crack me up… shhh… while she is away having her baby?”

Pause. Pause. Pause.

I heard a horrified gasp and a light clink, followed by Ross’s shoes tripping over his chair and grasping for Tracy’s crown that had fallen off her head and onto the floor. *Note: she did not even thank him.

Pause.

“Sure, Tracy. Super excited. Thanks.”

So, here I am. I would so much rather provide you with the on-screen hot Lesbo action than actually have it for myself. But I am not bitter, Tracy E. Gilchrist. I’m not!

What our fancy editor did not know is that I am quite the news junkie. And I don’t meanTMZ.com. I am talking good old-fashioned Channel 7. I will openly admit (cause that’s how I roll) until the other day, I thoughtPerez Hilton was some kind of Paris wannabe spin-off. Tracy had to practically spell his name for me during the agonizing twenty minute “kick me while I’m down” phone call -- ‘P-E-R-E-Z.’ I suddenly heard Ross chuckle smugly in the background from his “Tracy-Bought” laptop in which he was pretending to work.

And watching the six o’clock news does not make me boring, Ms. Tracy “E” is for “Everyone is invited to my bed except KC” Gilchrist. It doesn’t!

On a side note, KC is short for nothing. My parents were lazier than Lindsay Lohan’s acting chops.

So, whilst your favorite television consultant, Lauren Incognito is off figuring out what to do with a baby once you take it home (apparently those suckers don’t raise themselves), I shall be covering and coveting the important issues like who looked the most bed-able on last week’s rerun of The Hills (Lo, of course).

I am not as gifted as Incognito (she can apparently give birth to Asian babies without the expensive plane ticket), but I will do my best to inform you on why Sam Ronson refuses to eat a fucking sandwich and the new House of ‘vajayjays.’

And thanks Incog for the tip on Mad Men’s Playtex bra. That sounds right up my alley. Do they make them in size ‘training?’

Our girl Lindsay Lohan’s verbal lashing to Joe Francis of the Girls Gone Wild success was brilliant. He slams Lindsay’s girl on The Tyra Bank’s Show, which was a total fluke that I was watching it, as I have quite a disdain for her tasteless psychobabble. Where’s her fucking PhD?

Might I add, Joe Francis is disgusting and I never, ever watched his videos of young, innocent girls sneaking around behind their parents back… playing curiously in the shower… caressing each other’s nipples… rubbing their bodies together like sticks for a fire…

…What was I saying?

Oh yea, after Joe calls Sam a few choice words like “wretched woman,” Lindsay quips back that Joe “has no place in saying anything about Samantha Ronson.” All I could really think about was… does she call her that in bed? Cause I can live with that.

And Joe, I especially did not enjoy Vol. 3, part 6 of your videos. It was so tasteless. In fact, if you are reading this, you can send some copies of the show toSheWired.com addressed to me so I can write a piece on exploitation, of course. Tracy will make sure I get them, unless Ross intervenes… again.

More on next page..

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(continued)

The whole Lindsay de-pantsing drama left Dina “The Dino” Lohan calling America Ferrera simply “A doll.” And when she couldn’t get her head out of America’s ass, straight out of little Ali Lohan’s thesaurus, she scarily calls the whole Ugly Betty fiasco “Just silly.” You’re sillier, Dino. Oh, yes you are… Oh, yes you are…

Pig slaying was far from my mind on last week’s episode of Grey’s Anatomy. After some long-anticipated romping in the boudoir, Dr. Erica Hahn (Brooke Smith) lurches out declaring that she is once and for all “So gay!” Like we didn’t know. Holy Moses.

Don’t fret, ‘tis nothing that a man won’t accidentally fuck up for the rest of us, placing Dr. Callie Torres (Sara Ramirez) on the reported proverbial fence along with Lindsay.

Rumors about Grey’s Anatomy are also running amuck about the possible upcoming episodes with Melissa George playing a long-lost lesbian relationship to Dr. Meredith Grey (Ellen Pompeo) whose character has been rumored to swing both ways. Yea, baby!

In my very own backyard of West Hollywood some gay boys in the spirit of Halloween horror are in the news with, a prettier than the ugliest dog in the pound Sarah Palin sporting a beautiful handmade Indian macrame necklace around her neck… Oh, wait… is that a noose? Necklace/Noose. Potato/Potatoe. It’s all the same.

On an orgasmic note, Courteney Cox is headed to do a sexy, female driven television pilot called Cougar Town on ABC. From the creator of Scrubs, our little sexy vixen will be portraying a mom that lives and loves in a town of 40-something cougar women. The pilot is set for production soon. Let’s say a little nighttime prayer that Gina Gershon ends up on an episode or ten, playing footsies in bed with Court. However, that may be too much hot in one place at one time.

Lastly and selfishly, I must point out that recently on Tracy’s Media Blender on SheWired, she describes Ellen DeGeneres and Portia De Rossi’s wedding as, ‘more heart-tugging than kittens and cuddling’. Tracy, apparently you have never cuddled with me.

And please Gina, stay out of politics… there’s just no need, sweetie. Just sit there and look pretty.

That wraps up this week. Well, what did you expect? Super slut Tracy won’t sleep with me, I watch the evening news with Katie Couric… alone, I am smaller than an A-cup, and to be quite honest I have not been laid in eight months. Now I am supposed to peruse the T.V for would-be lesbians that I can never have? Fuck, Tracy. Why are you torturing me like this?

Let’s hope Incognito is a quick learn. I mean, how long can it take to feed and bathe a baby?

Miss the last "Where the Girls are on TV"? Read it here.