Ever since Bad Bunny was announced as the performer for the next Super Bowl halftime show, MAGA folks have been weeping and gnashing their teeth, just like Jesus himself totally would have done at the realization that a Spanish-speaking, gender-bending, brown-skinned Puerto Rican was allowed to sing some songs during a sport.
Really, it's been a hard month for them, having to learn the hard way that Puerto Rico is a U.S. territory and its people can't actually be deported out of the country — we all know how much they hate learning. Still, despite the fact that Bad Bunny does speak English and does have U.S. citizenship, their insistence that having him perform is somehow anti-American rages on.
To cope with all of this distress, Turning Point USA — the youth indoctrination organization founded by college student debater Charlie Kirk — has announced that they'll be hosting their own "alternative" halftime show. There isn't much more information available than that right now, just that it will be celebrating "Faith, Family, & Freedom" and that performers will be announced at a later date.
Surely folks that have such a strong grasp on the concept of art and boast a number of super famous and successful musicians among their ranks will have no trouble putting together a spectacular Super Bowl halftime show that far outshines the one to be performed by, um, one of the top global musicians of modern times. But in case they're struggling, we thought we would offer up some suggestions.
1. Re-enactment of the vicious war in Portland
Trump keeps insisting Portland is some sort of war zone as an excuse to deploy the National Guard there, so why not use this opportunity to show MAGA audiences how brutal and lawless these ICE protests in the city really are?
2. A performance from 'Beetlejuice the Musical'
3. Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu singing "Imagine"
If there's one thing we learned during the pandemic, it's definitely that nothing brings people together quite like an out-of-touch rendition of "Imagine." Let's get that image rehabilitation started!
4. Pete Hegseth & RFK working out
Let's see them actually pull this push-up and pull-up challenge they went on about off in real time — no cameras, no cuts, just pure macho muscley manliness. Surely the alcohol and the brain worm won't get in the way of their success, right? Maybe Marge can even join them for a CrossFit demonstration.
5. Kid Rock shooting [tbd]
Look, nobody wants to listen to Kid Rock sing. Even MAGAs tuning into Turning Point's halftime show aren't going to be able to pretend otherwise. What they will certainly do, however, is watch him shoot up whatever the target of the latest "anti-woke" crusade may be. Could it be screens with Netflix kids' shows on display? A restaurant logo redesign? We'll leave this one open so Kid Rock can make it timely and really capitalize on maximum outrage the day of the Super Bowl.
6. Taylor Swift
There's obviously no way Taylor Swift would actually perform for Turning Point's halftime show, despite the weird tradwife accusations currently getting thrown around in conjunction with her new album. But Charlie Kirk himself did devote some of his final time on earth creepily demanding the singer "submit" to Travis Kelce like a good little subservient lady, so I guess they could ask.
7. Close-up magic tricks
NSingh Photography/Shutterstock
It really doesn't matter who the magician is, so long as he's white, straight, male, speak English, have accepted our lord and savior Donald J. Trump into his heart, and is good enough at sleight of hand to teach politicians a thing or two about accepting (or offering) cash bribes without getting so easily caught.
8. Jimmy Fallon doing absolutely nothing at all
You go, Jimmy! Just stand on that stage with your mouth clamped shut!
9. Gender-inclusive book burning with J.K. Rowling
Sure, she's British, but she's white and opposes trans rights, so it's totally fine. Light 'em up!
10. Kash Patel demonstrating bullet engraving
Engraving is way more sustainable than writing on bullets in ink, after all. How will extremely on-the-nose and definitely totally real messages stay in tact in inclement weather conditions??
11. Sydney Sweeney wearing jeans
"She's owning the libs!!!!" they'll howl and croon from their moldy basement lairs.
12. That viral lynching song
Maybe Jason Aldean can even join in for a verse. They might as well just say the quiet part out loud at this point, right?
13. A reading of the Epstein List
Just picture it: the J6 Prison Choir backing up an antsy Ghislaine Maxwell as she reads from the Epstein List at last. Will this finally settle things once and for all? Will anyone be surprised when there somehow isn't a single Republican name on the list? Will she immediately go free upon doing exactly as she's told? Now that's a true Americana kind of show right there.
