Recently, we received an email from a young woman who's mother's partner (her other mother Linny) had passed away. Beyond the grief of losing someone she loved, Maygen, who's 23 and hails from New Jersey, was forced to contend with the pain of being literally shut out of Linny's hospital room by hospital staff and her biological family and at the funeral by the family that refused to acknowledge that Maygen and her mother were Linny's family too. In a country where gay marriage is not federally recognized, even in those progressive states that have legalized gay marriage, Maygen and her mom are a part of the fall-out. She wanted to tell her story to help people for the future so that perhaps others won't have to endure what she did. Her story illustrates that the personal is political and vice versa. Until LGBT people are afforded equal civil rights people like Maygen and her mom will continue to pay a price.
She was my mommy too....
It has been 13 days since one of my moms died. She had become sick very quickly, and then the call came; the call I wish had never come- she had died. When I was three my mom fell madly in love with Linny (my other mother). They loved each other like I have never seen love before – for 20 years they loved each other. Linny helped raise me. She read Are You There God it’s Me Margaret? to me, she kissed boo-boos and told me she loved me every night. She was my mom too. Everyday after school Linny would help me with my homework and quiz me for upcoming tests. We were inseparable, best friends, mother and child.
Linny and Maygen
I am writing this because at Linny’s funeral there was no mention of my life with her. It was an intentional disregard for the beautiful life the three of us had. Linny would have wanted the world to know that she loved not only another woman to her fullest capacity, but that she had a daughter. She was a lover of nature, animals and peace. She nursed injured birds back to health and rescued abused dogs from animal shelters. What was said about Linny at her funeral was not about my mom. The story told at Linny’s funeral was a story of a woman I did not know. There was actual mention of Linny’s “husband,” with whom she’d divorced more than two decades ago! It was a façade her family spoke of out of fear of letting who Linny really was to come alive.
You see, while Linny was sick I was not allowed to visit her in the treatment facility. But that didn’t’ stop me from sneaking in to see her. When she turned to look at me she said, “It’s Maygen- my daughter.” I’ll never forget those words, that smile, and that last kiss I gave her.
I relentlessly tried to visit her many times and was denied by her biological family and the hospital staff. I explained to them who I was and they still restricted me from seeing my mother. I felt alienated, as though I didn’t matter or exist. I was outraged and in shock that I couldn’t be there for the mother that was always there for me. When visiting her failed time and time again I tried calling the hospital. First I told them who I was and they told me not to call again. So began calling under various names, calling different nurse’s station and at different times of the day. None of these strategies worked. How could they keep me away from my mom, when we hadn’t spent a day apart from each other prior to her illness?
This is not just my story, this may be yours as well. Why are we treated like strangers when all we want is to live the life we have always known and loved? The feelings of alienation were so intense at her funeral -- it was as if I never existed. Linny would have been outraged and so heartbroken by the way her family was treated. Please help me to bring awareness to the inequality gay people still struggle with, much of which derives from there being no federal marriage rights for same-sex couples. Children of gay parents should have the same rights as children of straight parents. I am telling my story in Linny’s honor because other families in the same situation should not have to endure what we have gone through.
Thank you,
Maygen
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