Pillow princesses are a frequently misunderstood and unfairly maligned part of the sapphic community.
They may often be labeled as lazy and selfish, but what sapphics know that everyone else seems to be missing is that pillow princesses give in their own way and are also extremely hot in bed.
A pillow princess (or stone femme) receives sexual touch, but doesn’t give it. That doesn’t mean that they are selfish in bed, though. They just give in a different way, often through dirty talk, responding to touch, and creating a sexually charged atmosphere.
But even within the lesbian community, there is stigma around being a pillow princess, which means it can be hard to know how to do it right.
That’s where our LGBTQ+ sex experts come in. We’ve already taught you how to be a good giver in bed, with tips on fingering and oral sex, but now we’ve got all the tricks for how to be the best receiver you can be. So if you’re a pillow princess who wants to know how to get your stone top’s toes to curl without ever touching them, how to be vocal in the bedroom, or the sexiest way to show your appreciation, don’t worry, we’ve got you covered.
To get the low down on how to win the best pillow princess award, we talked to Shanna Katz Kattari, a queer and nonbinary sex educator and author of Your Pleasure Map: A Q&A, Pick-Your-Passion Approach for Hotter, Naughtier, More Adventurous Sex; and Chelsea Newton, a licensed clinical social worker, sexuality educator, and the founder of Phases of the Mind Therapy who focuses on sex positive, identity-affirming sex therapy.
What is a pillow princess? And where did the term come from?
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A pillow princess is a colloquial term, referring to a sapphic who receives pleasure in a sexual relationship, but doesn’t return it in a traditional sense. Meaning the top she’s with may go down on her, finger her, or otherwise provide her pleasure, while the pillow princess lies back and takes it all in. This may sound selfish to someone not in a WLW relationship, but stone stops, stone butches, and touch me nots love to give pleasure and not receive it, so if done right, the sexual dynamic works for everyone involved.
“The phrase emerged from lesbian culture in the late 20th century and has since evolved in meaning, appearing in broader LGBTQ+ culture,” Newton tells PRIDE. “Historically, it carried a teasing tone, implying sexual passivity or selfishness, but over time it has been reframed by many as a legitimate sexual preference rather than a flaw.”
And Kattari says that while straight people have started to co-opt the term, it belongs to queer women. “In recent months, it seems to have caught on and moved into the mainstream, but definitely started as a queer women's experience, perhaps as a women's response to the concept of a ‘bottom’ in gay and queer men's communities,” they explain.
Is there anything wrong with being a pillow princess?
Calling pillow princesses selfish just diminishes their role in the bedroom and shows a lack of imagination or understanding of the nuances of lesbian sexual dynamics. “The stigma around it often stems from cultural expectations that sexual satisfaction must always be mutual,” Newton says. “However, sexual reciprocity takes many forms, and pleasure is not always evenly distributed in every encounter. What matters most is consent and satisfaction.”
But just because pillow princesses may seem disinterested or neglectful of their partner to people on the outside looking in, doesn’t mean that’s actually how things are playing out in lesbian bedrooms. “As long as all partners are aware and consenting to unidirectional sexual stimulation, all the pillow princesses, princes, and princexxes should feel free to sit back, lie down (or folks themselves into a variety of positions), and enjoy their sexual experiences,” Kattari says.
Tips for becoming a better pillow princess
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1. Communicate openly
Communication is key in any sexual relationship, but knowing how to talk to your partner when you are a pillow princess is paramount. You may be the only one on the receiving end of pleasure, but that doesn’t mean you don’t need to check in with your partner. “Talk with your partner about desires and what each of you enjoys,” Newton says. “Transparency builds trust and removes the guesswork.”
2. Show appreciation
When your partner is the one doing the giving, it’s your job to make sure they know how much you love what they are doing and appreciate having their undivided attention. “Expressing gratitude reinforces connection and helps your partner feel valued, even when they’re the giver,” Newton says.
3. Stay engaged
So you’ve made sure the lines of communication are open and that both you and your partner are comfortable with who is going to be doing what when you’re having sex, but how can you use your skills as a communicator to make things even hotter? Dirty talk and showing your partner how enthusiastic you are to be there are great places to start. “Being receptive doesn’t mean being passive,” Newton says. “Respond with authentic enthusiasm. These cues enhance your own pleasure and make the experience more gratifying for your partner.”
4. Prioritize emotional safety
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If you’re not relaxed, living in the moment, and having a blast, then you’re partner isn’t having a good time either, since they are deriving their pleasure from you. So make sure both of you are getting your emotional needs met and that you are providing aftercare to your top too. "A sense of safety allows relaxation,” Newton says. “Whether through cuddling, or verbal reassurance, maintaining emotional attunement ensures that the exchange feels mutual.”
5. Focus on energetic exchange
Just because you’re the pillow princess and you’re partner isn’t interested in sexual touch, doesn’t mean you can’t give back to them in other ways, both during sex and afterward. “Consider offering head pets/scritches, shoulder rubs, snuggles, grabbing snacks (or cooking a meal), and lots of positive feedback to your partner(s),” Kattari recommends. “Just because you aren't fucking them doesn't mean they don't deserve to be recognized and made to feel affirmed and valued.”
6. Give feedback during sex
Don’t stay quiet in bed. Let your partner know how much you’re enjoying what they’re doing. Whether you’re moaning, screaming their name at the top of your lungs, or telling them exactly how much you love they way they’re touching you, make sure they know how much you’re enjoying yourself. “When something feels really good, SAY IT,” Kattari says. “Be appreciative of the delightful experiences you are having, before, during, and after sex. Whether moaning out loud, via sexy text messages, or screaming their name, communicating your pleasure to your partner is paramount.”
7. Don’t be passive
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Just because you’re a pillow princess doesn’t mean that you have to literally have your head on a pillow the whole time. Experiment with positions and movements so that both of you are getting the most out of the experience. “There are lots of positions in which you can receive sexual pleasure that require some work on your part, like being on your hands and knees, or straddling your partner's face,” Kattari says. “Some folks may want to just literally lay back and take it, but that isn't your only option. Try out different things and figure out what works best for you and your partner(s).”
8. Don’t forget to check in
In a pillow princess/stone top dynamic — or really any sexual relationship — you should be checking in with the other person to make sure both of your needs and fantasies are being met. This is also probably the best way to ensure neither of you starts to feel resentful. “If there area where one of you isn't feeling it, assess things to try and do something different,” Kattari explains. “Needs and wants and capacities change all the time, so making space for regular check ins allows these changes to surface and be addressed, rather than waiting for them to build up and cause possible resentment.”
9. Add in lingerie and toys
There is a lot you can do to make the scenario even hotter. Try sexy lingerie, experiment with different sex toys, and have fun using pillows to put yourself into new, dirty positions so your partner can feast on you. “Play with different outfits and lingerie like open gusset panties and snap open body suits to help add some fun to your time together,” Kattari says. “Consider using a crop or other toy to tap on your partner to go faster or slower. You can really get into the whole princess or goddess vibe if you desire.”
Sources cited:
Shanna Katz Kattari, a queer and nonbinary sex educator and author of Your Pleasure Map: A Q&A, Pick-Your-Passion Approach for Hotter, Naughtier, More Adventurous Sex.
Chelsea Newton, a licensed clinical social worker, sexuality educator, and the founder of Phases of the Mind Therapy, focuses on sex positive, identity-affirming sex therapy.
