Last week’s Grey’s Anatomy offered little in the way of a gay storyline via network television’s most eat-em-with-a-spoon-their-so-cute lesbian couple of docs, Callie and Arizona, who are in a three-way baby raising relationship with narcissist and lothario Mark. But last night’s hour of major drama had the trio careening toward the side of a cliff.
SPOILERS AHEAD:
The episode entitled ‘Not Responsible’ -- although I'd prefer to call it Three Opinionated Parents and a Fetus -- begins with Baby Mama Callie (Sara Ramirez), Baby Mama by Proxy Arizona (Jessica Capshaw) and Baby Daddy Mark (Eric Dane) enjoying Callie’s ultrasound with Seattle Grace’s newest eye candy, hot OB/GYN Lucy Fields (Rachael Taylor).
“Is that an arm?” Callie asks, pointing to the screen, which draws a collective “aw” from her partners in parenting.
All is well and good until Dr. Lucy asks the question heard round Seattle Grace for the next hour. “Looks good, did you schedule an amnio yet?” she asks.
“Oh we don’t need an amnio,” Mark replies before Callie or Arizona can get a word out, causing them to raise their eyebrows in tandem looks of bewilderment.
“We don’t?” Callie finally queries.
“Of course we do. We’ll schedule it,” Arizona says, getting her two cents in the convo.
But Mark’s not done. He’s opposed to an amniocentesis for various reasons and Arizona says she’s for it for at least 100 reasons. While Mark and Arizona spar, Callie’s on the table doing her best eye roll while Dr. Lucy adds, “It’s so nice that there are three of you.”
“Don’t let her shove a giant needle in your belly…” Mark offers before exiting to answer a page. And, well, if Mark hadn’t shoved anything Callie’s way they wouldn’t be in this position and Arizona would have come home from Africa, proved her contrition for callously dumping Callie at the airport and my little lesbian TV world would not be any sort of turmoil.
But back to the story – Dr. Lucy insists the needle is “not giant, nine inches,’ she says holding her fingers about five inches apart to indicate size. That’s when Callie -- and she would know much to Arizona’s chagrin --separates Lucy’s fingers further to indicate an actual nine inches.
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Next up Mark is shouting, “I’ve lost too many babies in my time….I’m not letting it happen again.” And while losing a baby is no joke one has to wonder if DOCTOR Mark Sloane has ever heard of prophylactics, condoms, love gloves, rubbers, French letters, cock socks, raincoats, you name it, because at least one of the pregnancies in which he’s been involved –Callie’s—was the result of a booze-fueled rebound. Or perhaps, like a 14th century royal, he’s just determined to spread his seed for future generations.
“I don’t care what kind of baby it is,” he says, alluding to tests run from anmnios that can determine the health of the fetus.
“You can’t be glib about this,” Arizona says. “A special needs baby can be a very sick baby…” going into the risks that accompany forgoing the amnio. But Mark’s adamant, stating that a number of women can miscarry from the amnio. That’s when Mark’s former lady friend Lexie, who left him when she heard he knocked Callie up chimes in with the correct number.
Done dealing with Mark Arizona leans in to a silent Callie to appeal for some one-on-one discussion but Mark won’t allow a discussion if he’s not a part.
“There’s no pulling anybody aside,” he says, spurring Arizona to get really pissed – and loud.
“We have a relationship Mark! Part of that doesn’t include you,” she shouts, and this causes me to once again wonder how these people ever get their work done.
“She’s carrying my kid,” he responds. Then, pointing to Callie, he says in a gruffly petulant manner, “If she gets a minute then I get a minute…”
“Nobody gets a minute!” Callie finally speaks. “I have a patient. The patient gets a minute,” Callie says turning on her heel.
But that’s not the end of the discussion… The trio continues loudly discussing at lunch, where everyone must surely be able to hear. This makes me ponder if Seattle Grace is in the market for a human resources director, as there are about 47 work-place harassment and morals violations per one-hour episode.
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“The miscarriage rate… blah, blah, blah” Arizona continues, and while I’ve stopped caring about the conversation I am still watching the adorable Ms. Capshaw's mouth move.
This time Callie interrupts, telling Mark and Arizona she’s trying to eat and that she’s weighing the options.
She also points out that she has three votes, including hers, the baby’s and her vagina’s, which is a reference to Callie’s speech two episodes ago about whether or not she can drink one cup of regular coffee a day. When it came to just the coffee decision Arizona and Mark were finally happy to oblige Callie, the baby and her vagina.
“I’m the tiebreaker,” Callie reiterates. But Mark is not buying the vagina vote any longer and begins to flex his testosterone, causing the veins in his neck to pop.
“We’re co-parenting, all of us. This isn’t a joke. It’s not some cute arrangement where you humor me and use me for babysitting when you want to see a movie. This is my child. We’re doing this together. You don’t get a bigger vote,” Mark pontificates. “I’m a parent,” he shouts, storming off. And this is where Callie and Arizona are likely thinking about digging through their DVD collection to re-watch the L Word pilot, as it would have been so much easier to use Bette and Tina duping an unsuspecting horny straight dude into a three-way to steal his sperm as a template.
Arizona does a half eye-roll and sips on her straw while Callie says, “Daddy’s mad.”
As if three public shouting sessions in one day weren’t enough the laden-with-opinion parents to be have decided to spend their coffee break re-hashing the problem they haven’t resolved all day.
But this looks more promising… “I want the amnio. I want to have the information, whatever it is. That doesn’t mean I’m going to act on it…” Callie says. Arizona nods as if to say, “good choice honey,” and Mark calmly says, “okay.”
“That’s it?” Arizona asks suspiciously.
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“Well I just wanted her to think about it. I wanted all of to really think about it…” Mark says going on about his 33 percent being considered, blah, blah…. Now, if I were Callie I’d have shouted “manipulative mother fucker (literally)” at him, but Callie seems oddly okay with Mark’s shenanigans.
Back at Callie’s and Arizona’s place that night, just when it seems as though there might be a sweet, private moment between them, Callie demonstrates a level of cluelessness that brings her hot level down a notch.
“I gotta tell you, I was really impressed with Mark today. He is really being an adult about all of this. I think he’s going to be a great dad,” Callie says like a schoolgirl with a crush. Sure, if arguing with and manipulating the mothers of your child is being an adult then she has a point.
A nonplussed Arizona sits reticently reading the paper and sipping on wine that Callie has just brought to her.
“Sure, he handled it and not like a four-year-old. Is that supposed to make me excited?” Arizona asks rhetorically. “But he did handle it like a four-year-old Arizona,” I’m mentally shouting from my couch.
“I thought I was supposed to be the cranky hormonal one,” Callie taunts.
“I’m not cranky,” Arizona responds. “I don’t get excited about Mark. I’m not delighted by Mark. I love you, and I can honestly say that I’m going to love this baby. But Mark? I’m somehow agreed to a lifetime of Mark,” she continues, adding examples of decisions she’d have to make with Mark from sippy cups to college.
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And Arizona is not done yet! After just two episodes of agreeing to deal wit big baby daddy, Arizona is exhibiting signs of “get me the fuck out of here.”
“I never picked him. I don’t hate him, but I don’t want a life with him. And yet, somehow, that’s what I got,” she says.
Frustrated, Callie asks if she should kick him out. “It’s his kid,” she says, a point that Arizona says she is all too familiar with. And she’s not about to hold back.
“Can we just be honest about the fact that this is some kind of bi dream come true? You get the woman that you love and then you get the guy best friend who’s also a great a lay and then you get a baby... You get it all,” Arizona lets loose.
“And me? This is not my dream. My dream doesn’t’ look like this.” Then she goes back to reading the newspaper. Ouch.
Well, this is just a fine mess.
Grey's creator Shonda Rhimes giveth a hot, smart, sweet lesbian couple on network TV and Shonda taketh away. At least that's the direction the storyline appears to be taking. And here's why I'll be watching the Callie and Arizona storyline through my fingers like a horror film for the next few episodes...
Earlier in the episode, Mark’s supposed true love Lexie (Chyler Leigh) -- although who can really tell since he banged Callie when he was supposed to be in love with her – finally hooked up with handsome Avery (Jesse Williams), who is smitten with her. If the relationship between Lexie and Avery pans out then Mark has no shot at getting back with Lexie. Arizona will likely head for less fertile pastures since she’s stuck working under the awful Dr. Stark at Seattle Grace anyway, and Callie and Mark will become proud parents who end up together out of love for their child.
But here's hoping Shonda proves me wrong and the Callie becomes the first bisexual character on a major network to actually end up with the girl.
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