SheWired Editor Tracy E. Gilchrist and Advocate.com Editor Ross von Metzke are back by not-so-popular demand terrorizing SheWired readers with a little column we like to call Gossip Girl and Her Gay, essentially an IM session between gay friends who work together that reeks of solipsism, celebrity gawking, personal attacks on each other and ridiculousness.
As this week was high holy week for gay men and showqueen lesbians like Tracy with the Academy Awards on Sunday the duo who should be focusing on more important occurrences in the world of gay news takes time to ogle Kate Winslet, Sandra Bullock and Penelope Cruz, whilst musing over Charlize Theron's fashion mishap. Then it's on to the biggest lesbian event since, well, the last Lilith Fair 10 years ago -- Kelly Clarkson has signed on to Sarah McLachlan's women's music fest -- and by default a gay girl orgiastic event -- along with Brandi Carlile, The GoGo's, Mary J. Blige, Emmy Lou Harris and Loretta Lynn. Finally, it's all about Shiloh-gate and learning to proudly cross dress at an early age (that was tongue in cheek ).
TEG: Hey you. Now that you are finished weeping over Bullock and my back stopped spasming after I caught glimpse of Winslet in stunning metallic showing off her ass we have to catch up.
RvM: Yes, we do. I heard you threw it out trying to get off the can and into the living room when she stepped out of the limo and none of your bitches would hit pause.
TEG: I know. It became a drinking game. They all guzzled Prosecco every time I missed a Winslet sigting. They were hammered and I had a bad back at an Oscar party. I smelled like Manchengo cheese and IcyHot.
RvM: Who were you hanging with? Prosecco. That's ghetto.
TEG: It's a recession you snob. So. Let's hash it out. Oscars. Fave moment?
RvM: Obviously Bullock. So genuine, so dear, tried to kiss Meryl again, but Meryl was having none of it. She didn’t want to hog the spotlight. Then bullock threw us gays into the mix and I wept into my glass of scotch.
TEG: Aw... I think Meryl was too into the Scotch to notice Sandy's advances. A couple more though and they'd have been rolling in the aisle. Yes. Sandy was lovely. And fuck the detractors who say she didn't deserve it. It is hard work being America's sweetheart. Just ask Lindsay Lohan.
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RvM: Meryl could have unwrapped her table cloth dress so she and Sandy could hump in private.
TEG:Poor Meryl. I guess you can't be the greatest living actress and a fashionista. But back to Sandra. I love a woman who proudly accepts her Razzie and her Oscar in the same 24-hour period. That's range.
RvM: And vows to display them side by side. What was your fav moment? You know, other than the long lingering shots of Kate and Pene?
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TEG: I know. My girls looked good, and I'm not talking about the ones in front of me. I gotta go with Streisand living vicariously through Kathryn Bigelow. And the King of the World's subsequent fall from grace.
RvM: Yeah, I figured you’d like that. I wonder if Cameron's crypt keeper wife Suzy Amis gets to eat now that awards' season is over. And I wonder if Streisand put a hit out on Bigelow for that Oscar the second the lights dimmed.
TEG: I don't know about a hit but you know Babs went home and cried through Prince of Tides for the 800,000 time.
RvM: And Lauren Bacall had to sit there on speaker phone the whole time assuring Babs she'd done the best she could with Mirror Has Two Faces.
TEG: Is it bad that I liked that movie?
RvM: Eh, I was mixed. I felt like it was Barbra getting all her ill feelings about never getting the nose job out in film. But I loved Bacall and Bridges were getting too obscure... toss in an Oscar titty reference. And not the ones covered by Charlezzie's rosettes.
TEG: Oh to be a rose in that garden. The dress was fug but Char looked gorgeous. Do you think she hit the apple bong with her stylist to come up with that mess?
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RvM: I think her stylist hit the apple bong, Charlez tried the dress on and said, "What the fuck? I'm single, I'm high and those fuckers didn't recognize the stellar work I did in Hancock. Hell yeah I'll wear it!"
TEG: HA! I think she was sipping off of Clooney's flask. Riddle me this, Gaymo. How is it an Oscar show produced by two homos failed to acknowledge that Farrah and Bea Arthur had died? That is a travesty.
RvM: Yes, it is. They claim they ran out of time. I say this... Nothing is better thanBeatrice Frankel performing circumcisions in History of the World Part I. That alone deserves a mention. And while Farrah's finest work was on tv (The Burning Bed, Good Sports), she made enough movies to bear a mention.
TEG: She was in Logan's Run for God's sake! A sci-fi mess of a pseudo masterpiece. What world are we living in when they omit those two and include a publicist?
RvM: For fuck sake... Fawcett played the faucet in The Brave Little Toaster. You give that shit to Melanie Griffith, see what she'd do.
TEG: Melanie would make it The Brave Little Toaster embedded with Hasidic jews.
RvM: You went there. I hate you.
TEG: I know. A Stranger Among Us, Melanie Griffith as an undercover cop infiltrating Hasidic Jews in Brooklyn. One of Hollywood's greatest casting mishaps.
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RvM: Anyhoo. Final Oscar thoughts? Before we move on to something your readers care about?
TEG: I know. I realize I'm one of the few lezzies I know who gives a rat's ass about this crap. I just want to say that the Twyla Tharp interprettive dance to Precious was wildly moving.
RvM: Yeah... Most of you laydiez only watch if there's beer involved and Foster's nominated. And yes, Twyla took me places. I’m just thanking the lord Amelia didn’t get a best pic nom. Don’t need to see a Swank look alike doing modern pointe on the wing of a plane.
TEG: Ummm. I actually might need to see that. Okay, moving on to something decidedly more lez. Kelly Clarkson dueting on “Angel FromMontgomery” with Emmylou Harris at Lilith Fair. I wet myself just thinking about it.
RvM: Yes... I figured that would make you a happy lady. I love that Kelly is just embracing her hard partying inner Texan. Though I lone for the days when Kelly would go all Ella Fitzgerald meets Aretha on us, I think Sheryl Crow/Cris Williamson is a better fit.
TEG: I can't wait for Mary J., Loretta Lynn and Kelly to do a rousing version of “May the Circle Be Unbroken.”
RvM: You’re losing me girl. This is too much. Though if Kelly Clarkson got into an african mudcloth and joined Erykah Badu on "Tyrone," I’d shit happy.
TEG: Yeah. I'd take that time to do a keg stand with some butch tailgaters.
RvM: I’ll pump if you suck. Sorry, too much. Anyhoo…
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TEG: Oh Wow. Okay Queen. Tell me about Jessica Simpson, and I’ll tell you about Idol season 2's husky voiced has-been Kimberly Caldwell's train wreck of a new video.
RvM: You may be the only dyke who gives Simpson credit. I like her new song. Just enough of a rock edge to keep me intyerested, and an electric guitar. That coupled with her rack, if she shot a Jersey-themed wet t-shirt video a la Tawny Kitaen to go along with it, she might just revive that career of hers.
TEG: I like a nice pair of hoots. And John Mayer called her "sexual napalm." And she loves Dolly P.
RvM: I mean... It is for some show where she travels the globe asking ladies what makes them feel pretty, then cries into a camera when she realizes that if she just moved to Zimbabwe, she could eat those chicken wings and pizza hut party platters she hocks and be considered smokin’.
TEG: Do they have Pizza Hut party platters in Zimbawe? I think she and Clarkson should do a reality show. "I Eat Whatever the Fuck I Want."
RvM: Kirstie can guest, and eat them both.
TEG: Exactly. And Valerie B. pops in for a Dr. Drew-like intervention.
RvM: In a bikini. Ok love, I gotta wrap this shit up. I have real work to do.
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TEG: Just quickly. Shiloh-Gate.
RvM: Ah yes. The Chaz Bono of 2023.
TEG: I wore a dress with construction boots to school when I was six. My mother went berserk but the entire punk movement thanked me.
RvM: If it helps, I wore pearls, Mary Janes and a purse to the grocery store at 3.
TEG: Like a Golden Girl.
RvM: I was Miss Clairemont for a brief spell.
TEG: And I used to get hit on by girls who thought I was a boy. Good for Shiloh.
RvM: And good for Angie.
TEG: Owning her shit.
RvM: Inspiring originality.
RvM: Ok love. I gotta pee.
TEG: Like I needed to know that but me too.
RvM: If Winslet shows up, holla. I’ll get off the pot for her.
TEG: If Winslet shows up I'll be gone for the afternoon.
Catch up on past Gossip Girl and Her Gay posts, and get other entertainment from Tracy here!
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