SheWired Editor Tracy E. Gilchrist and Advocate.com Editor Ross von Metzke are back by unpopular demand terrorizing SheWired readers with a little column we like to call Gossip Girl and Her Gay, essentially an IM session between gay friends who work together that reeks of solipsism, celebrity gawking, personal attacks on each other and ridiculousness.
This week the pair take time out from more productive work to weigh in on the mess that was The Grammy Awards. From Beyonce's faux avant garde paean to Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome to Fergie's and Taylor Swift's inability to carry a tune in a basket, the Grammy's had more downs then ups. But thank the lyrcra gods for Pink soaking wet in a body suit and for Lady Gaga gaying out with Elton John.
RvM: Ok, my dear. The prodigal son has returned, not as wet as the people in the first eight rows during Pink's grammy performance, but damp all the same. Shall we shoot the shit?
TEG: I saw you prance past again. So I guess you're ready to discuss that mess lovingly referred to as the Grammy Awards. I don't know where to begin. Is that a SeaWorld reference btw?
RvM: It is girl. Four summers of Churros and Shamu.
TEG: Also, not as wet as Pink's audience sitting at home. Yeesh.
RvM: And that’s all I remember. Yeah, your Facebook update was totally unnessesary.
TEG: Not mine.
RvM: I had to go to the car wash for a scrub down after that.
TEG: I'm just sayin', if Pink, half naked and soaking wet suspended 40 feet above the floor in a scarf and spinning, could sing on key... What the fuck was wrong with will.I.am, Fergie and Taylor Swift?
RvM: I didn’t see will.I.am and Fergie, so can’t comment. That’s the segment when I switched over to watch Jo Beth Williams conclude her four-episode arc on Dexter. I’m on season two, so she technically concluded in 2008.
TEG: Well, you missed them channeling a combo of Janet Jackson's "Rhythm Nation" and Bette Midler's avant garde number in Beaches. Completely off beat and out of tune, btw.
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RvM: Yeah... They’re hit and miss. I far prefer Fergie alone. Taylor Swift however... Cute that she writes all her own songs about high school angst, but not feeling her. But we had to be nice after that Kanye fracas (to use an old timey word a la Neal Broverman, our Sandy Duncan look-a-like news editor).
TEG: Oh please. Neal needs to toughen up. Taylor didn't deserve drunk-ass Hennessy breath Kanye all up in her business at the VMA's, but I don't care how old you are. If you're gonna try to sing with Stevie Nicks, you'd better use a tuning pipe. I had to turn it off. It was too much of a disaster.
RvM: Especially since 30 years of coke use and late nights with Lindsey Buckingham have rendered Stevie with about a four note range, but I do love my “White Winged Dove.”
TEG: Exactly, but at least those four notes are on pitch.
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RvM: What about that hot mess Beyonce? I live for her videos, but that was Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome gone WRONG.
TEG: My FB update last night: “What in Tina Turner Knock-off, stormtropper, Tranny-Alanis hell was Beyonce thinking?” Lady Gaga has unleashed a nightmare of hos attempting to push buttons. Beyonce does not a Grace Jones make. She needs to stick to what she knows.
RvM: Exactly... I’d have bought it from Rihanna.
TEG: Eh. She's another one.
RvM: But Beyonce stomping around singing, "and are you thinking of me when you..." SILENCE…
TEG: Marginally talented.
RvM: No, fuck her. Not even - EFF her. We got a big smile, a flip of the weave and a catwalk. Fuck her. If Gaga had done that, shes have slit her wrists on stage and rolled around in her own filth on that line.
TEG: I was saying I find Rihanna marginally talented but okay. Back to Beyonce...you have to up the ante on that shit. Beyonce thinks she can channel Tina Turner's version of “Proud Mary” while bastardizing Alanis and dropping to her knees for a couple of dance moves --like every aspiring artist hasn't learned to drop to her knees on a dime.
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RvM: Please... Every aspiring artist has usually been on their knees before they even hit the recording studio.
TEG: My point exactly. Poor Mary J. Blige. She was great. But what do you do when you're told you're dueting with Bocelli? That would send me right into the bathroom. He hit the end of the first verse and I had tears in my eyes. Mary J. comes out and I was like, "that was a nice riff."
RvM: HAHAHA. I know. well, at least shes a gracious duet partner. They were on Oprah.
TEG: She was lovely.
RvM: And after the song, big O plopped down like a hippo right in front of Andrea. He didn't know Mary moved her.
TEG: Aw... How did he not hear that?
RvM: He probably hit the floor. Anyhoo…
TEG: BAD. We are being bad on a Monday morning.
RvM: I know your no fan of Celine…But you have to give her credit. No chest thumping, a mini dress… Kept the flow moving.
RvM: Amen. I didn’t need to see Beyonce's tits to heaven in 3D glasses jammin along.
TEG: I don't know if I could have handled Celine chest thumping in 3D. J-HUD looked and sounded fab. And I know you weren't impressed with Carrie Underwears, but she's a decent vocalist and she seems like she's got a bitchy side, which I love.
RvM: I enjoy her cuz she likes animals and is pretty. But I don’t think she has a great voice. Celine and J-Hud carried it for me. As my friend Leah said, the two of them and the dead guy peed all over Usher. And you can take that to mean what you want.
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TEG: My jury is out on Usher. I got nothin'.
RvM: It’s ok, Blandola.
TEG: I did appreciate that Lady Antelbellum played instruments and sang in harmony.
TEG: That was refreshing. So we hit them all except… GAGA! What did you think?
RvM: Well, save the best for last. well, her and Pink - shes awesome - adore her, scared of her, but adore her.
TEG: For a 23-year-old Jersey girl she packs a lot of fright. Love her for holding her own with that old Perv Elton, whose music I adore.
RvM: I love that she brought the queen back out of him.
TEG: No Kelly Clarkson, though. Do you think she was on her Lazy Boy with a keg of Schaeffer and a family sized bag of pork rinds?
RvM: Now who's being mean? For a second I thought you were talking about Carnie Wilson…
TEG: Hey. I don't care how big Kelly gets. I'd still let her throw me around in a haystack.
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RvM: I dont know who that says more about... Kelly or you. I missed her.
TEG: Me TOO!
RvM: It’s only four times a year that girl puts on a dress, and we missed one. Did you happen to notice Britney's fucked up mess of an outfit? For a second I thought I was looking at Cher circa Moonstruck.
TEG: I missed the red carpet. I was cleaning and making spaghetti squash.
RvM: She's in some black unitard with fishnets and black hair.
TEG: Is everyone just going retro and doing a half-assed job of it? Ooof.
RvM: She looked like an American Apparel ad for teenage moms.
TEG: She is / was essentially. I know we've said it ad nauseum but even my mom was blown away by Pink. This is the text my 70-year-old mom sent me. "Did you c Pink? Yowsers!" I love that your best gay Charles cried during Pink's aerial display.
RvM: He’s now claiming he didn’t. He says he only cried once.
TEG: Haha.
RvM: During “Earth Song”
TEG: Of course. That's even more gay. Tell him he can't win.
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RvM: Maybe Celine's fist hit him in the eye.
TEG: Alright. Well, I think we wrapped that up nice and bitchily.. Next time it will be Oscar noms!
RvM: You think Sandy's gonna accept a Razzie and an Oscar in the same year?
TEG: I think she would be the only one who could handle it with grace! I'm excited for Kathryn Bigelow giving her ex Cameron a run for his directing money. Alright Lady. I gotta go. My site isn't updating itself!
RvM: No, Boo's doing it.
TEG: Shhhhh. I like everyone to think I have it rough.
RvM: No, you like it rough!
TEG: Yes. That's a distinction I need to be more clear about.
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