When a fun-loving pair of gossipy homos gets together, nobody is safe. Sure, instant messaging is a wonderful tool for workplace communication and for late-night, ahem, romantic dalliances. But during those down times in the gay media business, what else is there to do but eviscerate the glitterati?
SheWired.com Senior Editor Tracy E. Gilchrist and Advocate.com Editor Ross von Metzke prove that lesbians and gay men do get along... especially when they're getting bitchy over the latest dirt in Hollywood.
It's rough Monday since Tracy burned more than the candle at both ends celebrating the end of the L Word at West Hollywood's East West, and Ross just can't help but torture her compromised ass. This week it's all about Jenny Schecter, that is until Britney Spears', "my p*ssy is hanging out," video virals through the office. Next up, Pink's got her own three-ring circus going on live on tour, Elisabeth Hasselbeck gets friendly with Rachel Maddow and more....
RvM: How much did you have to drink last night? is that Appletini I smell wafting from your brazier?
TEG: A word to the wise...never eat half a Triscuit because you're going out with your trainer and you're afraid of bloating only to drown yourself in a vat of Grey Goose and soda.
RvM: I tried that once -- only it was a wheat thin and a grape. I wound up facedown at a club called Montage with some bear screaming, who wants to play pin the tail on the twink. I dried out on Catalina for three weeks after that.
TEG: Well, I was just at the L Word Finale party at East West, surrounded by my trainer, my coworkers and my good friend and neighbor Mona... I have no idea who the fuck killed Jenny Schecter.
RvM: I killed her -- I'm so over hearing about that GD show and before these lezzies bite my nuts off, I hate Queer As Folk too.
TEG: Even lezzies hate the L Word now. But with that and South of Nowhereoff the air, and my fave girl Tamara Braun running around blind and dateless over on AMC...I might actually have to go out and get some action like a real girl.
RvM: You could always start watching Guiding Light. They have some girl on girl going on over there right now.
TEG: Yes...but they're not Tam.
RvM: They're kinda hot -- but I hear ya. No one is quite like "The Braun."
TEG: I know... I'm a fan.
RvM: No shit -- so what have you got for me today? L Word drama? Lindsay Llohan run SamRo down with her hog? Rihanna finally got sick of Chris Brown and is shacking up with Pene Cruz?
TEG: Well, that tool Trump weighed in on the Rihanna factor and he called her a loser...doesn't say word one about Chris Mike Tyson Brown though.
RvM: That's cuz trump is a loser who probably got the fuck beat out of him by Marla Maples.
TEG: And Rosie O'Donnell. Tag team in a vat of oil!
RvM: That's something not even Kelli Carpenter would pay to see.
TEG: I'd pay to see it. Kind of like watching HBO's Real Sex when all of those middle-aged chubby swingers get it on together at some camp in the Poconos. I just can't look away.
RvM: That's like me and Taxi Cab Confessionals. How a cab ride progresses from "where to?" to "I'm going to wave my dick in front of your rear view mirror security cam" is beyond me.
TEG: I never saw that one. Can I rent it? I always catch the poor, down-on-her-luck hooker ones. Not so much fun.
RvM: Well, I was told to Tivo cuz it was two of my loser friends from the meat packing district. Maybe I still have it.
TEG: I love it! I'll be over to watch that and to catch up on The Braun blinded on All My Children. Speaking of confessions, we'll be having a SheWired confessional at the Dinah. Lezzies Gone Wild style. I hope to meet my next girlfriend in the confessional booth.'
RvM: Girl, don't go in the confessional booth. You after three vodka stingers and a camera do not a match made in heaven make.
TEG: Is it that my eyes are slits or that my shirt is over my head while I flash the bar?
RvM: Hmmm -- I'm gonna take a pass on that one. Though you've never flashed me, I have seen what happens when you and a straight boy knock back a few and he gets his hands on your rack.
TEG: He was gay, which is the only reason I let him motorboat me... Anyhooo. Can we please talk about Britney's Pussy?
RvM: I'd rather not.I've already had one Cortisone shot this year. But if we must.... who hasn't seen that raggedy ole' thing? For $220 a pop to see her live in concert, she should walk around the arena and shove it in every last person's face.
TEG: And what's with her becoming suddenly discreet? A few mood-balancing drugs, a hit record and successful tour later and she wants to hide her cooch --which btw...has been on every limo seat in Hollywood?
RvM: Maybe she's like Sharon Stone -- in a moment of clarity, she decided to use the ole "no one told me they were gonna shoot down there" excuse.
TEG: Meanwhile, that video is going up on my Facebook. Pronto. Did you hear that La Lush, La Lez Lohan wants to cover a Britney song? Isn't that like the leadfooted, talentless leading the talentless?
RvM: I thought you said La Looch. I was gonna say, If Susan Lucci even tried to sing something like "Hit me baby one more time," I'll lose it.
TEG: Susan Lucci sings "Womanizer." Bea Arthur does a stirring rendition of "Toxic."
RvM: Honey. I think Susan Llucci, Morgan Fairchild and Dierdre Hall need to do a trip of "I know Him So Well" in a mash-up with "Ooops, I Did It Again."
TEG: You FAG! "I know Him So Well?' The showstopper from Chess in which the wife and the other woman wax horny in a duet over their man?
RvM: Yeah, only this time, it's Morgan and Dierdre wondering what they did to drive Erica Kane Martin Brent Cudahy Chandler Montgomery Montgomery ChandlerMarick Marick Montgomery away.
TEG: That's only one more last name than my mom has. BTW...You are a sick bitch trying to figure out all of Erica Kane's names. You need a serious intervention.
RvM: I'm just a fan from way back. So anyway, on to Lindsay... She wants to cover Brit. Good luck. Maybe she'll finally have a hit.
TEG: I think Linds should do torch songs in a Peoria lesbian dive bar.
RvM: With Sam Ron playing the hammered dulcimer.
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(continued)
TEG: Well, Sam was singing lezzie songs at a Hollywood bar a few weeks ago, and by lezzie I don't mean "Big Yellow Taxi"...or maybe I do.
RvM: Sam Ron sucks -- I hate her. Moving on... Dolly Parton has a new video. I love Dolly, but she and Joan Rivers officially have the same face.
TEG: Awwww. I'd still nap in a bale of hay with her and her hoots. "Backwoods Barbie" right? Barbie is 50. That's one well-preserved bitch.
RvM: Well Dolly is 62 and she's like petrified wood.
TEG: Them's fighting words you Soap Opera Queen!
RvM: Well, Susan is 62 and she's well preserved too. Like a fine glass of Chablis.
TEG: Or fine box of Franzia?
RvM: Those stay preserved in the back seat of your Scion for about the 45 seconds it takes for you to make it home from the Piggly Wiggly.
TEG: Please. That's like you running from the office with your Proactiv stash under your arms.
RvM: Darling, I shove that shit into my knickers.
TEG: You'd mug a bitch for that shit. You could go hungry and homeless and you'd be pushing Proactiv around in your grocery cart.
RvM: Honey, I was on lockdown at the Century City mall for three hours because I ran out of my cleanser and I had to bust open the Proactiv vending machine.
TEG: We all have our needs. What's this you were telling me about Pink running around in a dominatrix circus uniform followed by lesbians in cat suits? Or was that was my dream last night?
RvM: I don't think I told you that... I think your Percoset, vodka protein shake shared that little gem of info. But seriously, her tour is so effing hot.
TEG: My head might explode if I saw her live.
RvM: Well then let's get tix.
TEG: Really? You want to go with me? You'll have to console me all night when it's over.
RvM: We could always go from the show to Eleven and hope she and Linda Perry are upstairs doing body shots.
TEG: And the ceilings are high enough. She could do a Nikki Kidman Moulin Rouge swing entrance.
RvM: Pink vs. Nikki Kidman would equal a serious mess.
TEG: Nic's center of gravity is off, not to mention she's top heavy from the Botox. Pink's got this one.
RvM: Honey, Pink has thighs the size of redwood trunks.
TEG: I know...she could crack coconuts with those babies... I know you hate her.... But, Elisabeth Hasselbeck smitten with Rachel Maddow on The View. I knew lil Lezzie Hasselbeck had it in her.
RvM: I dont think she was really smitten. I think Rachel told her back stage that if she didn't play nice, she'd chase her down Rockefeller Center in her Subaru Legacy station wagon.
TEG: Then throw her in the car with the Indigo Girls entire collection playing at full tilt.
RvM: Liz would come back from a Mt. Holyoke initiation weekend in with a love of Jane Austen, backrubs and anything in a plaid skirt.
TEG: She's not smart enough. She'd get booed out class over a discussion the intersection of pop culuture and academia involving semiotics and The L Word.
RvM: They'd probably brand her Helena and tell her to go back to her upper Eastside 42nd floor penthouse and fuck herself.
TEG: DAYUM! You do hate Hasselbeck. But speaking of the L Word...I couldn't see the screen since my eyes were basically slits after my second cocktail. I'm off for a tres Lesbo evening to watch the L Word finale with my cat, followed by crying myself to sleep into my pillow because it's over and now I have to go out and get my own friends and life.
RvM: Well, you could always rediscover The Hunger and your very own Braun.
TEG: I have rediscoverd the Hunger about once a year since I was 17. Anyway...I've got to get to watching some important television. it's work related...really. Ciao bella.
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