What's Your Problem: Live It Out Loud, Part 2

Before we get to today's episode of Cathy DeBuono's video blog "What's Your Problem?", Cathy takes the time to answer a poignant letter from one of our readers.

Hey Cathy,

I don't know what I'm doing anymore. When I was in high school I didn't really have to think about what I was doing. It was pretty much, go to school, take exams, pick a degree to study that the parents were happy with, choose a university the parents approved of, leave high school.

Now I'm in my second year of university. I feel like I've been sleep walking for the last 20 years. People have just pushed me in the most sensible direction and now I've woken up and I have no idea how I got here.

The friends I have at Uni are nothing like my friends from back home. If I ever try to talk to them it's like they're only waiting for me to take a breath so they can change the subject back to them. And now that I'm so far away from my friends back home, it's like we're growing apart and I'm terrified I'm going to end up alone.

I've never been a cryer and now I can't stop. I just randomly collapse on my bed in tears and I don't know why. I can't even keep food down. Every time I eat something I feel sick until I make myself throw it up, which is making me even more exhausted.

I don't know what's wrong with me. I just need advice as to how I can stop feeling like everything is falling apart.

Thank you sincerely for your time.

M xx

(London, UK)

Dear M,

Wow, what an exciting time for you… it seems for the first time, you are waking up to your life.

Now, let me start by saying we can’t ignore the physical symptoms you are experiencing. While they may very well be a manifestation of your emotional world, we always must rule out any possibilities of physical illness. So I would start by referring you to your physician for a full check up.

Beyond that, I’ll offer you my two cents. It seems to me that you could be experiencing symptoms of depression. Depression is often due to chemical imbalances in the brain and/or triggered by stressful events. Some folks are prone to depression genetically and some folks just don’t ever find themselves within its grasp.

Now, that being said -- I am not diagnosing you with you depression, I’m merely offering you some places to begin investigating. Much like getting physical to rule out any organic illness you’ll want to investigate your family history for signs of depression -- when you carry this in your genetic make up, it tends to show itself more as we get older. For this, I’d like to recommend you to see a licensed psychotherapist, or psychologist or psychiatrist…

What are the differences? Well, a psychotherapist has a master’s level of education. A psychologist has a level of education of a PhD and psychiatrists require an M.D. Any one of these professionals is qualified to help you investigate this to understand better if you are not only dealing with a change of life issue, but if you have the added component of genetic depression to contend with as well.

That said, my first reaction to your letter was that I’d to encourage you to see what you are experiencing through an optimistic lens. It sounds to me that you have just started to wake up to the fact that you have yet to make your life… your life. I find this incredibly exciting.

The very first fundamental component of creation… is destruction. Think about it, before there can be the creation of a zygote, there is the destruction of the egg as they are destroyed to become something new. When we workout at the gym and lift weights, what we are doing is micro-tearing our muscle tissue so that it will rebuild itself… newer and stronger. I suppose no pain no gain can be quoted appropriately here…

I am not going to encourage you to hold on to your present friends who aren’t satisfying a deeper connection that you are obviously craving. I am not going to tell you to run back home to your old friends, to follow your parents lead or even to try to stop crying.

Crying is nothing to be afraid of, and it is not pathological. Crying is a release of energy. Much like urinating is a release of energy. Cold you imagine what might happen if we thought we shouldn’t pee? There is a common misconception that experiencing our feelings is a problem. My therapist once said to me, and I have repeated it many times, that “feelings are never a problem -- it is what we do with them that can become a problem” -- genius.

It seems to me that you are in a destructive phase of creation M. I know it isn’t fun and doesn’t feel good. But try to trust that it is a part of the process toward you becoming you, and making your life yours. Be kind to yourself, have compassion for this time of your life, treat yourself with great care. Accept nothing less than that from people you call your friends, and go boldly into the creation of you.

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And now on to part two of Cathy's video blog with Lori Michaels & The Girls!

If you have questions/issues you'd like Cathy to address, email her at cathy@cathydebuono.com. (Be sure to specify whether you'd like to remain anonymous or if she can refer to you by name.)

For more information on Lori Michaels, her new CD Living My Life Out Loud and her current tour go to www.lorimichaelsproductions.com.

Lori also spear heads a charitable organization, REACH OUT, INC. which celebrates 20 years of reaching out to various communities in 2009. For more information go to: www.reachoutinc.com.

Miss the last "What's Your Problem?" Check it out here.