Conflict is inevitable in any relationship. It’s just part of living intimately and closely with another human being who is also an autonomous individual with different quirks, eccentricities and ways of doing the washing up. The trick is learning to deal with it without damaging the relationship itself, and that can be difficult, particularly if certain arguments keep repeating themselves. Here are a few top tips for emotional conflict resolution…
1)Try to figure out what the problem actually is
Sometimes the problem actually is the problem. If they never do the washing up and you end up tidying after them all the time, then it’s an actual practical issue that can hopefully be solved with practical changes. But sometimes things are more complicated than that. If you’re upset that they keep on seeing their ex, then it could be a) your insecurity, b) their inconsiderate behavior or lack of communication about their relationship with said ex, or c) you picking up in subtle changes in your relationship like emotional withdrawal or lack of attention and using the ex situation as a hook to hang those concerns on. It’s really important to figure out what’s really bothering you so you can address it directly with your partner, hear where they’re coming from and hopefully find a solution.
2)Explain without personal attack
If you can explain what’s bothering you without personal insults or unfairly harsh criticism, you are much less likely to put your partner on the defensive and have a productive discussion. Most of us will kick back or withdraw when addressed aggressively, but that cliché about ‘when you do x I feel y because z’ has become a classic of communication classes and therapy sessions for a reason. If you can explain the connection between your emotional reaction, your partner’s action and the underlying emotional dynamics without descending into abuse or criticism, it’s much easier for the other person to listen to, validate and address your concerns without leaping to defend themselves.
3)Consider shared context
Non-confrontational communication is applicable to most scenarios, but it’s okay to recognize that sometimes incidents prompt such a strong emotional reaction it becomes almost an impossible ask. What these situations are, though, depends on the individual relationship. Deal breakers need to be communicated and depend on shared understanding and what’s previously been agreed. If you guys have been going through a rocky patch, you’ve made it quite clear you’d like some relationship time and attention before you go on holiday/they go away for work/you have to deal with their family, then it’s understandable that their booking nights out with friends five days in a row before those things happen might be the last straw. It’s circumstantial. On the other hand, if (for example) you’ve walked in on them fucking your best friend, then emotional explosion is pretty understandable, and whilst the relationship is likely to be significantly damaged by the incident, that shit ain’t on you. You’re under no obligation to remain tactful and non-confrontational in the face of their destructive and unreasonable behavior (although the moral high ground can be quite satisfying, fyi). If one of you explodes all the time over things that seem trivial, or punishes the other continually for small things, your relationship might be abusive and/or you might be fundamentally incompatible and you need to deal with it (by leaving the relationship or getting therapy, depending on the functionality of the behavior in question).
4)Listen to your partner
Even if you’re pretty sure you’re in the right, listen to where your partner is coming from. If you understand their thinking and emotional impulses, it is much easier to find a solution or resolution that works for both of you. It is also much easier for someone to admit they’re at fault if they are confident of being listened to and respected. If your relationship is a space where both of you feel able to express yourselves honestly without fear of reprisal or later recrimination, you’ll be much happier and it will be much easier to resolve disagreements in a productive manner.
5)Compromise
Try and find a middle ground liveable for both of you, or design systems that maintain a compromise. If it’s the washing up/tidying you’re arguing over, draw up a rota and then follow it, and agree a date to review it, and steps to take if one person refuses to do their share. If your partner seeing their ex is the problem, bear in mind the underlying issues and figure out together what your partner can do that would help you feel better. Checking in regularly by text? Seeing their ex less frequently/not always alone? Communicating clearly and repeatedly that while they’re still good friends with their ex (as I am with many of mine) there really isn’t a sexual dynamic anymore and reassuring you regularly that it’s you they’re in love with? Shared calendars so you know where they are? Ultimatums are difficult and breed resentment, plus they’re useless unless you’re actually prepared to carry out a threat to leave if things don’t change. It’s much better to seek out middle ground that you can both live with, even if it wouldn’t be your ideal.
6)Seek alternative ways to defuse conflicts
Be creative in your thinking, and aware of what’s going on beneath the surface of your words. If you’re upset and would prefer to have the resolution discussion at a later time or in a different medium (email as opposed to face-to-face? text instead of Skype?) then be honest and ask for that. If you know on some level you’re being unreasonable and you’ll feel differently after a couple of hours, maybe take a couple of hours out by leaving the building, turning your phone off, muting notifications, whatever you need to do, and return later when you’ve calmed down. Let your partner know you’re doing this – just disappearing is not cool – but you can always warn them in advance that this is a thing you may need so they don’t feel abandoned or get angrier.
7)Angry sex
Seriously, sex is just the BEST thing to do with all the built-up and dissipated tension. It is a running joke between my partner and I that we will be careful and considerate and kind when we’re talking, and then rip the hell out of one another in bed afterwards. It works well. It also reminds you viscerally that you are a couple for good reason (or perhaps that you’re not a very good couple and this should be borne in mind, but that’s another post…) and there is more stuff bringing you together than pushing you apart. (Hur hur).
8)If you’re not getting anywhere, take a break
If you’ve been arguing for ages, getting progressively more heated and/or nobody feels like the end or any resolution is in sight, take a break. Go for a walk/swim/run/other form of exercise to get the tension out and the endorphins flowing, lie in a dark room with music on your headphones, do whatever you need to do to calm and center yourself, and then make contact again with your partner, over text or email if you’re not ready to meet without fighting again. Sometimes the extra distance can be really helpful in negotiating, and sometimes it just stops you both banging your heads against a brick wall.
9)Evaluate how important this is to you over the long haul
How invested are you in the subject of conflict? Is it something with a major everyday impact on your feelings or your quality of life, or something that rarely comes up in the relationship? Just because questions of housework or domestic routine are apparently trivial, it doesn’t mean they’re not important if they’re significantly affecting your daily wellbeing – although this is one area where compromise is more likely to work than conversion. On the other hand, if they’re meeting up with an ex but they live a long way away and there are no plans to repeat the experience or indulge in extensive text messaging, it’s probably more worthwhile to have a quiet discussion about your feeling insecure or neglected than have a full-scale argument about it. Some things it’s easy to let go after giving it some thought, and some stuff is actually crucial to your continued happiness in the relationship. It’s worthwhile to work out which is which!
10)Figure out whether it’s fixable or a deal breaker – and if it’s a deal breaker, walk away.
Know what you’re prepared to compromise on and what you would go to the wall for. Hopefully, if you and your partner are loving and connected, there’ll be much more of the former than the latter. If you know what your limits are, communicate them to your partner so you both know the deal. If they continually cross your boundaries, disrespect your limits and take pleasure in arguing or baiting you, just walk away already. If during arguments your partner is being a dick/inconsiderate/belittling/whatever, call them on it. And if they keep doing it, leave. Conflict is inevitable, but lies, contempt and bullying are not, and they have no place in any functional relationship. On the other hand, most relationship conflicts can be worked around or addressed through kindness, consideration and empathy – plus a bit of rough sex for good measure. Doesn’t that sound like more fun?
