6 Signs You’re Ruining Your Relationships

It’s time we had a tough talk. Now, of course, this article isn't for all gay men, but if you're someone who truly wants to be in a committed relationship and people keep leaving you, you may want to take stock. It could have a lot to do with what you're putting out in the world. 

Here are six big signs that it might be you and not your partner (s) who is ruining and/or sabotaging your own relationships. 

1. You think everyone is the worst

Some gay men suck. (No pun intended.) But most don’t. Don’t go into every single relationship assuming that the guy is going to turn out to be awful. You need to at least attempt to go into each relationship without all the baggage that comes from all the previous guys you've dated. Each guy is different, new, and not like the guys you dated in the past. Don’t forget that. Really do everything in your power to avoid being jaded. 

2. You’re insecure

Often times, especially for gay men, insecurity is rooted in how we look. This harkens back to gay male beauty standards -- the unrealistic, physical ideal that gay men strive to achieve. I’m not going to say you need to learn to love yourself. (You definitely should do that, but that advice, in itself, is devoid of any real meaning. It’s like how?) But what I will say is if you are someone who is unhappy with how you look, do your best fix that. If you think you’re 30 pounds overweight, don’t talk about it. Do something without becoming obsessive. You don’t need to have 12-packs like all the circuit boys, and genetically, you might never be able to achieve a 12-pack even if you did everything correctly. But attempt to fix what you don't like about yourself. And yes, definitely get into therapy to help attack some of the larger root causes of your insecurity. 

3. You’re looking for Prince Charming

Sometimes we have unrealistic standards, and we're looking for this perfect guy that doesn't exist anywhere in the entire world. I’m not saying lower your standards, but I will say don’t throw away an amazing guy simply because he has a weird quirk or a few flaws.

4. You’re not ready to be in a committed relationship

I don’t mean any shade by this at all. But sometimes, we have other things that are going on in our lives. Our career is taking a front seat or a family member is sick, or any number of things where we simply don’t have the time (or desire) to be dating someone. When this is the case, don’t date! The relationship simply isn’t going to work out.

5. You think nothing or everything is your fault.

For most gay men, I find the former to be true; they think nothing is their fault. They think that it’s always the other guy who did something wrong. They are blameless and perfect. This probably isn’t the case. Similarly, everything is not your fault. If you think that, you may be struggling with depression, and again, definitely worth getting into therapy to figure out what’s going on.

6. You’re focused on sex

Sex plays a huge role in anyone’s life, regardless of sexual orientation, but for many gay men, I’d argue it plays an even bigger role than for most straight folks. There’s nothing wrong with being focused on sex. Sometimes, we think we want stability and comfort, when in fact, what we want is novelty, excitement, and sex with a bunch of different dudes. This pertains especially to younger gay men. Don’t be in a relationship if you’re not ready to settle down. If what you need in your life right now is multiple men to have sex with, then go out and bone a bunch of different dudes. Don’t feel guilty about it either. When the time comes, you’ll settle down (or you won’t. It doesn’t matter!)