To the Person I Dated While Transitioning, I'm Sorry

Dear person I dated while transitioning,

The last time we talked, you texted, "I'm pretty sure in time, we can be friends, Basil."

Nobody has ever really seen me in the intimate way that you have. You got the before. You got the after. You saw each facial hair grow. You heard every octave drop. You felt my bones shift. You kissed my "female" body as it morphed into my "male" body. You held my hand as I woke up from surgery. Yet, everything in between the before and after was painful.  

When we met, I had recently come out as transgender. I was on top of the world. In recovery settings, people talk about their "pink cloud".  It's a time when everything feels great and you feel hopeful and excited about life for the first time. When I became sober, I didn't have a pink cloud. When I came out as trans, I had a pink cloud. I hadn't started hormones yet, but I felt supported and loved by everyone in my life. I ignored my friends who told me not to get into a relationship while medically transitioning. They told me most relationships won't survive the transition. I was a man without hormones, so how much could I change?

As my pink cloud turned into a black vortex of despair, I ignored the red flags, which screamed, "she doesn't like boys!" When I began testosterone you were initially unsupportive. When I purchased my first realistic dick, you didn't want me to use it during sex. You did not like how my body changed, especially the way I smell. You wouldn't touch certain parts of me comfortably. You had never been with or dated a man before me. You told me I was "different" from other men. Eventually, you cried and told me you wanted me to be who I was when we met. You said, "I miss your softness. I miss how soft your voice was and how soft you felt."

After a year and a half, I knew I needed to end our relationship.

I wanted to be with you and thought maybe I would "even out" at some point. Maybe, parts of me would go back to what they were pre-hormones. When we dated, I didn't know who I was, but I knew I was extremely depressed. I'll be honest, I was mean and intolerable. I was withdrawn, defensive and perpetually solemn.  I was a dick. 

But there was no going back.

I felt guilty and felt that I owed you something for staying by my side. I told myself to "man up". I forced myself to commit to you and a future with you, which proved to be impossible. I couldn't do it. I was trying to force myself to be the person you fell in love with, not just for you but for me too because I didn't have an identity anymore.

A month and a half after our break up, I was going home with a guy and it all hit me. My date and I ran into our friend; she told me that you were moving to San Francisco. Immediately, I felt deep remorse and guilt for the first time since it ended. I had prided myself on my ability to communicate my changing needs and wants throughout our relationship and my transition.

In that moment, I realized we weren't going to be friends, and that you were willing to move across the country to get away from me. I admit, I didn't really try my best to maintain our relationship; I had no idea at the time what "my best" was. In retrospect, my best would've been honoring my needs and ending it with you long before we decided to get hand fasted and move away together. I didn't do my best, but I tried.

On top of that, I didn't want to lose you forever. This was really selfish, and I'm sorry. 

We haven't spoken. You blocked me from your life. But, you showed me generosity and kindness in ways that nobody has before you. You did not deserve my gruffness or my inability to walk away from my pain.

As a trans person, we have trouble finding love. I'm lucky I had the opportunity to fall in love with you. You did your best to love all parts of me, even the parts that changed in a way that weren't conducive to us. Thank you from the depths of my soul for being there and doing your best to support me through transition. 

I'm sorry and thank you. 

Sincerely, 

The man you helped transition