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Singled Out: The Thankless Lesbian

Singled Out: The Thankless Lesbian

Entertainment publicist and all-around lesbian Mona Elyafi celebrates Thanksgiving by cleaning house and sifting through friends she no longer needs.

I know that traditionally, Thanksgiving is a time for forgiveness and gratefulness - a time to give thanks to the people who gracefully bless your life, whether occasionally or on a daily basis. Yet, while I have religiously been observing the ritual for the past 19 years since my alien bootie immigrated to the Land of the Free, this year, I have decided to do something slightly out of the box.

Now don't frown just yet! I'm not breaking this sacred American tradition for the sake of being obnoxiously French, or acting out for spite just because my smartass-self can. I'm simply changing a few things around to truly be in sync with the season's spirit. Call it Thanksgiving with a twist, if you will.   

With that in mind, I turned this past Thursday into a day of giving "thanks, but no thanks." What I mean by that is that I took a mental inventory of the people I really could do without in my life. That's right! I indulged in a little fall cleaning session.

It was time to clean house and get rid of the parasites that excel in the field of being royal professional downers and emotional vampires - the kind of energumens sucking the life out of me for absolutely nothing.  I went on a binge and flushed away the most dysfunctional, toxic people I ever had the misfortune of letting into my life. And if I may say so myself, the purge was devilishly good, and terribly rewarding.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that I don't bitch, moan and complain once in a very often while but unlike them - and THEY know who they are - I don't make it a life-long career. For God's sake, we all have problems but normal people don't usually make it a habit to spread their woes and boos like freaking peanut butter on bread.

Seriously, everybody knows that the answer to "how are you?" is a simple straightforward one-word response: "good," "excellent," "great," "fantastic," "fine." It doesn't matter which one you pick but pick one, PLEASEEEEE! Never ever follow your word selection with a "but," because not only are there no legitimate "buts," but trust me, no one really wants to hear about other people's problems - especially when those problems are endlessly the same -- then that becomes a problem.

I'm not gonna lie! I'm at my wits' end. And personally I cannot attend one more "poor me" pity-party hosted by any of my so-called friends - and I don't care how good the DJ is. I've heard it all before and it's the goddamned same broken record.

I'm not a cold-hearted asshole who doesn't want to help a friend in need. God knows I've donated my share of major emotional contributions to the "squish squish" charity foundation by listening, giving, advising and consoling.

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I'm sorry, but I moved to California for its Mediterranean climate. If I wanted rain and grey skies to constantly reign in my life, I would have stayed in Paris. Frankly, people who permanently walk around with a self-inflicted dark cloud above their heads are a bunch of ambulant public hazards - and my (soon to be former) friend Marianne, is one of them.

A natural born whiner, Marianne is not only the empress of drama, but she's also one of those people who like to complain about people complaining about people who complain. It is literally draining mentally, physically and spiritually to be around her. Do they ever listen to themselves? Aren't they tired of being tired all the time?

Envy, jealousy, grief, criticism, lament, and misery all overlay each other to create the emotionally depleting negative thinking world that binds these seemingly passive aggressive victims together. Toss in the mix the self-imposed threat of them continuously operating on "a disaster waiting to happen" mode and you expectedly have a potential time bomb on your hands. As far as I'm concerned, that device better implode on their own asses, because the only detonating dynamite exploding in my life is moi ... I'm da bomb!

Last time I checked, the proverb said "life is too short," not "life gets you down."
As they say, you are who you hang out with, and that's why Marianne and all the likes of her are out. I don't need other people to torment my mind and clutter my soul - I do a pretty good job on my own! And I stress "on my own" - I don't poison everybody else's life when mine, occasionally, gets venomous. Here's a tip: SNAP OUT OF IT.

The irony of it all is that I just spent an entire "Singled Out" bitching about people who bitch. Something's terribly wrong with this picture!

Luckily, as the law of attraction would have it, last week my editor sent me an email fussing about the length of my writing subsequently censoring me to 850 words maximum.
See! I'm not so quick to point the accusatory finger at others...the four others pointing at me are downsizing too.

Cleaning does start at home!

PS: For the enquiring obsessive-compulsive minds who want to know, this column contains exactly 850 words!

Editor's note: This column contained 850 words until I got my grubby hands on it.

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