The Fosters Recap: The Babymooners

In the midst of a world of drama, it's definitely time for Stef and Lena to take a vacation. Specifically, a 'babymoon,' which is apparently where a couple goes away to enjoy one last moment of romance before the new baby arrives. I'm sure this has got to be a real thing, but it's a word I at least can't say without giggling. It's looking like the babymoon is going to have to be called off however, since their grandma can't make it over to watch the kids like they thought. Luckily, Brandon and Callie are the most responsible children ever and offer to take charge for the one night. Lena insists it'll be okay, but we all know better. Immediately we are proven right, because at band practice that night, pushy lead singer Lou decides tomorrow is the perfect night for a get-together for friends to hear new music. Since Brandon has to be home, they'll just have to hold the gathering there. Even Brandon knows this is a terrible idea, so it's definitely a terrible idea.

At school, Connor lets Jude know that even if his father thinks Jude is gay and doesn't want them hanging out, Connor doesn't care. Jude however, doesn't "want to be anybody's secret." Turns out there's a lot of drama going on at school that day. Brandon's bandmate Mat tells Mariana about the party going on at Brandon's, Mariana tells her dance team, and the word spreads like wildfire. Poor Callie has other things on her mind - namely the step sister she just found out wants to meet her - and just doesn't have time for this party she just found out she's going to have to be the one to keep under control. We should just change this show's title to "Callie Jacobs Just Can't Win."

The supposedly peaceful babymoon is off to a rough start with Stef complaining about budget and room size while Lena just wants to have a little cozy fun. Even the couple's massage gets stressful as Stef chats away to her masseuse, explaining that the kids are home alone for the first time. It doesn't get any better when the masseuse asks if this is the ladies' get away from their husbands. Stef explains they are indeed a couple, and I think I officially had more fun taking the SATs than Lena is having on this babymoon.

Back at home, Callie tries to convince the team to call off the party, but Brandon's not on board. Mariana puts forth the most convincing argument by saying that this is their "babymoon" too, since it's the last time their moms will ever be away again. Callie eventually has to give in, insisting that if they must have the party, it has to be in the backyard and no one can come in the house. She does break one rule to call Wyatt to come by the "bouncer." Lucky for him, his girlfriend also manages to be adorable while protecting the house from danger, so he's pretty cool with this arrangement. 

The party begins! Jude and a couple of his gal pals sneak upstairs to have their own little party. Mariana is in charge of taking care of her dance crew, who has a strict code for parties that includes one drink maximum, no random hooks, and no using crew moves in casual dance situations. Guess which rules get broken? (hint: all of them!) Meanwhile, Brandon's band is missing their lead singer, and Callie is stuck on toilet plunger duty. Most fun party ever, everyone. Things get even more awkward when Jude's friends suggest a game of 'Spin the Bottle,' right as Connor walks in, having forsaken his father's demands and run off to the party. 

Jesus is getting the pretty good end of this party deal. He's boozing it up and ends up in the basement with dance team member Hayley, whose college boyfriend just broke up with her. Look at that, Jesus' girlfriend just broke up with him! Since they're both tragic and attractive, the two decide jump right into it together and both become each other's second official hook-up buddy. Nothing bad happens to them for the rest of the night, so look forward to some future madness in the next episode!

Mariana's dance team frenemy Kaitlyn, who declared all the rules in the first place, has now reached a totally disasterous level of wasted that is ruining both Mariana and Callie's lives as they try to turn her down for her personal safety. Callie's attempt to control the household really is gallant, but it's a losing battle. Especially when epic mess Kaitlyn ends up vomiting on Stef and Lena's bed. I vote Callie needs some sort of 'relaxationmoon' after this night/her entire life.

Remember Stef and Lena? Lena's still trying to spice up the babymoon any way she can, even by suggesting they turn on the magically-named lesbian porno, "Breakfast On Tiffany." Stef shoots down the idea, of course, and Lena finally confronts Stef's refusal to have any fun on their vacation. Finally, Stef sees something's wrong and Lena tells her they might as well just go home. She wants Stef to talk about something other than "money or the kids," and tells Stef she doesn't talk to her because she doesn't think she's listening. Stef admits she feels like she's the one being blamed for everything going wrong in the relationship and storms out. Come on, you two! You're so close to a lovely babymoon!

Just as things are heating up 12-year-old style with spin-the-bottle, Connor's dad angrily arrives downstairs to collect his runaway son. Connor's bottle lands on Jude, and as they're about to kiss, the door opens. Thankfully, against what probably every viewer believed, it's Callie at the door to warn them, and she sneaks Connor out of the house just in time for Connor's dad to walk in on just and 'his girls.' Well played, kiddos.

Lou shows up to the party way late, and Brandon rats her out for not showing up to her own band's show. Callie's over the entire party thing, and demands they play immediately so the Party From Hell can finally end. Callie then confronts Lou, who think's Brandon's being a big, controlling asshole because his classical education makes him think he's better than them. Callie explains to Lou for the first time that Brandon's classical career is no more because of his brutal attack, and the news of that warms Lou's cold, front-woman heart. She's so moved, she even hops on stage in the middle of Brandon's solo - a quick revival of the awkward "Outlaws" song he once wrote for Callie - to add some lovely and weirdly on point harmonies for someone who's never heard the song before. Oh, but who's going to argue with a little ABC Family magic? (Me. It's literally impossible to know the words to a song you've never heard. But okay.)

Lena confesses to Stef she knows that the blame isn't entirely on Stef and that she wants to feel as connected as she did on their wedding night. Stef apologizes, explaining she gets so stressed and worried she forgets they need to take care of each other. The makeup is interrupted by a butt-dial from Jesus, where he very possibly accidentally gives away that the house has become the location of a rockin' rager. Stef and Lena immediately start calling all the kids until Callie finally picks up and covers for the noise, telling them they were watching a loud action movie. Jude almost screws up the cover when he can't quite get his story straight, but they seem to get out unscathed. At least the party's almost over and nothing went too wrong! LOL. Just as they declare things a relative success some idiot extras ram the porch swing into the front window. Because of course. 

Since Stef and Lena aren't idiots, they know their kids are probably having a party, but since the kids said everything was okay it's probably fine to let them keep at it. The women have other things on their mind, and we finally get the babymoon we've been waiting for. If only that word didn't sound so incredibly silly.

As the kids try to clean up, Matt breaks down for Mariana that it's okay to not be like the rest of the dance girls, and it's only a matter of time until these two get it on. Wyatt is the real boyfriend of the year though, saying he has some knowledge from working in construction and can help fix the window. Unfortunately, Wyatt isn't exactly a high school construction prodigy and the window shatters right when Stef and Lena get home. At least this cliff hanger is only physically and not emotionally destructive! Next week, a promo oddly framed as a horror trailer shows us that Callie will make the decision to meet her step-sister for the first time. It can't be that bad, can it? Actually, this is The Fosters. Most likely everything will go wrong, make us cry, and continue to be the most addictive family-oriented LGBT show on TV.