Finally, it’s happened! You met someone you really like and are trying your best not to screw it up. Us lady-loving-ladies, however, do have the tendency to hit the “detonate” button and get all over excited. Here are 10 texting-tips to help you completely self sabotage.
1. Be An Open Book
Make sure she knows you’re interested from day one. Like, super interested. No need to be subtle here, you’ve decided she’s “The One” and she should damn well know it. Shove this down her throat with inappropriate emoticons and over use of text kisses. Delete your dating profile, telling her that “I don’t need it any more now that I’ve met you”.
2. Stalk Her Facebook
Twitter, Instagram and Tumblr, memorizing every detail. Quote her own posts back to her in ordinary conversation. Because that’s not creepy at all.
3. Cat-Pictures
All lesbians love cats. Make sure she receives daily pictures or lengthy videos of your feline friends, captioning any particularly cute ones with stuff like “Miffy wants to meet her new mom." Hourly updates are best, but make sure she receives at least one cat pic per day. Bonus points if they’re in costumes.
4. Start to Page-O-Text
If you’ve been sending sweet, flirty messages back and forth and she sends something that makes this go from crush to climax, lose your cool. Instead of simply smiling and looking forward to more lighthearted fun, change gears completely. Start sending multiple paragraphs of utter nonsense about your life. Preferably intimate details about your childhood and/or questionable mental health record.
5. Question Everything
Top Tip: Demanding explanations for time text management is the quickest way to lose your girl. Ask her things like “Why have you taken an hour to reply when usually its only 14 minutes?” Because an hour in lesbian time is like a day. Get that shit straight.
6. Teenage Texting
Never send a text unless it’s peppered with emoticons, LOL’s and LOTS OF CAPITALS AND PUNCTUATION?!?!?!?!?!?!? to make sure she knows how excited you are about your potential relationship. (Please. No one is this excited and happy. Unless they’re Santa. On Prozac. With kittens.)
7. Triple Texting
She didn’t get back to you? Well, then it’s time to bombard her with a sea of messages. Because not only will she be flattered by the attention, she’ll *have* to reply to *one* of them, right?
8. Premature Confessions of Love
OK. Yeah, we’re lesbians. We’re famous for the “urge-to-merge”, so we can get away with letting it out a bit sooner than usual. But be clear — a declaration of love via text is going to have her running for cover. Although if you’re drunk, obviously this doesn’t count. #WinWithGin
9. Play Strange Games
Like you did when you were a teenager. My favourites are the sorry-I-totally-meant-to-send-that-to-my-friend text about how into her you are, or you can pretend to delete her number. "Sorry, who is this again?" That always works out well.
10. The Final Goodbye
If you haven’t lost her already then there’s only one text left to send to completely detonate this relationship. Text her mom. Use the guise of wanting her address to send flowers or whatever over-keen excuse you can find, then try to strike up a conversation. Save her number as “Ma-In-Law” on your phone and post screen shots of your chats on Facebook. Job Done.
And if that isn’t game over. then you may have to start questioning the validity of your girls mental capacity, surely? Or if she’s done the sensible thing and requested a restraining order, then it’s on to the next.
About the Author: E J Rosetta is an LGBT Columnist and coffee addict living in Hampshire with her spoiled cat, Hendricks. More ramblings can be found on Facebook or via Twitter @EJRosetta
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