Back by popular demand...or because every one else has a life, I have been asked to write this week's informative column about the sightings and encounters of the significant crème-de-la-crème babes and sexy girls on the TV screen. I did have a date this week, but let's just say that I don't do well with girls that leave me with the dinner tab and don't call afterwards. But I'm not mentioning any names Julia! Any-whosee-whatsees without further ado, here is what is happening with the bitches on television...
The Tyra Banks Show created a mock experimental world called the "Gay Kingdom." Already, you're like 'argh.' But bear with me. I swear this shit is good. So GLAAD award-winner Ty Ty chooses seven stereotypical members if the LGBT community, who gave themselves titles: "masculine gay man," "transgendered woman," "butch lesbian," "drag queen," "feminine gay man," "bisexual man," and "lipstick lesbian." She's just making this too easy for me.
Okay. So, now they have to match their titles to a social hierarchy: king, queen, pauper, jester, cook, villain, and concubine. You know, Ty Ty did the same ting with the porn industry girls earlier this year.
Massive chaos broke out as they all voted on who would place where in the hierarchy. The results: Kayden, the lipstick lesbian, was named queen; Michael, the masculine gay man, was voted king; Sam, the butch lesbian, was made villain; Hedda Lettuce, the drag queen, was made jester; Jasen, the bisexual man, was chosen to be the pauper; Michael, the feminine gay man, was named the cook; and Sasha, the transgendered woman, was made concubine.
Kayden, the lipstick lesbian, said she was queen because she is what society thinks is normal. Sam, the butch lesbian looked like she wanted to leap across the stage and strangle the bitch, "Yeah, let's just go with what society perceives as normal," she said with an illusive eye roll.
The drag queen popped in with, "Frankly, I'm shocked that we've gone for this very traditional, heterosexual version of what this thing should be. We are gay people; look at us!" Speak for yourself, your name is Hedda Lettuce. You can call me Bowla Noodles.
The most fun for me was when Kayden, the lipstick lesbian, called herself a "straight lesbian." Oh, Kayden. This shit was good. She says, "Once you look at me, I don't classify as a butch or masculine or anything. You look at me, and guys will hit on me, you know what I mean? Not knowing that I'm a lesbian, and because I am lipstick, I tend to hang out with the same type of girls like myself. We like to wear dresses, get our hair and makeup done." At least, I think that was an explanation. She finished off the odd speech by declaring that she would pretend to be straight to get ahead. Sweetie, if you are pretending anything, you are ahead of nothing.
My kingdom would be as follows: Me as the queen, Angelina Jolie as the king, Lindsay Lohan as the pauper, Kathy Griffin as the jester, Rachael Ray as the cook, Winona Ryder as the villain and Oprah Winfrey as the concubine.
It's the end of the road (and the world as I know it) for Bianca and Reese on All My Children. The bodacious duo was apparently last seen jet setting to Paris compliments of ABC executives. Where else would producers send two lesbian characters to live out their proverbial lives off-screen? Au revoir, Tamara Braun and Eden Riegel. It was fun watching the slowest relationship in television history end faster than Lindsay Lohan's self-esteem. Umm...in reality the last I checked lesbians jump into bed quicker than Anne Heche and anyone, but what do I know.
Guiding Light led me down a dark tunnel this week once again. Olivia asked Natalia to take a weekend rendezvous with her in which Natalia graciously accepted. However, its Frank that was trying to ruin them because he found out they had the "hots" for each other (don't worry Frank it wasn't that obvious to me either). He witnesses a more than friendly hug and tune in next week...where I will be throwing my popcorn at the screen. They better not be sending them off to Spain in a boat. C'mon CBS, I am counting on you!
ABC's Grey's Anatomy has created a little lover's spat for Callie and Arizona. I swear on my cat if they are preparing to cause a break-up, I will...well...be with out my cat, I guess. After Callie's daddy cuts her off financially, Cristina suggests that she simply tell her family that she and Arizona have called it quits. But, while sewing veins together in a surgery room, Arizona delicately expresses her never ending love for Callie regardless of what she decides to tell her family. Callie falls more in love with Arizona and decides not to be a liar. Take note, Michelle Rodriguez! Sorry. I'm just sayin'. And according to Afterellen.com, Arizona will be back next season as a series regular. Woo-hoo. We shall see about that.
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The sexy I-wished-I-was-Tom-Cruise-in-Top-Gun Kelly McGillis came out right here on our very own SheWired. Mi casa. My home. My place of work. Me. So, what does that say about the courageous McGillis? She is not only hot, but apparently super smart. And the 51-year-old actress is a two-time divorcee. I'm with you, girl. I was married once and would throw solo margarita parties every time my ex-husband would just leave the house for an hour.
McGillis told our site, "I think that was an ongoing process from the time I was probably 12," she said. "I find myself now at 51 kind of starting my whole life in a different phase. I don't know what's going to happen."
Melissa Rivers is a total whack-a-doodle. On the Celebrity Apprentice, Joan's evil spawn was booted off by super-moron Trump and took it all fucking personal. The little-bitty-ditty got pissed so mommy dearest stepped in and ripped the world a new one, screaming and ranting about Nazi's as she stormed out of the room.
I missed Portia de Rossi in a skirt on Tuesday's Better Off Ted because apparently it was more important for the president to say some stuff to the nation about the impending swine flu, cow flu and crappy deficit. But the episode will now air Tuesday, May 5. Hooray!
I am pleased to announce I know someone famous. Our very own Senior Editor extraordinaire Tracy E. Gilchrist of SheWired graced the screen on NBC this week. The lady of the hour appeared gracefully as she spoke about Kelly McGillis on Inside Edition about her newfound lesbianism and recent coming out, "She's feeling comfortable about who she is and is a place in her life where she can do that," Gilchrist said.
Miss the last Where the Girls Are? Read it here!
