Gay Girl Gift Advice from the Couch-Bound Sports Enthusiast

This was going to be the year you didn’t succumb to the holiday hype: It was the year you tried to stay out of the fray, but then cupid’s arrow took a bee-line to your breast and now you’ve got a new love to buy for. Or maybe you two have been together for awhile and agreed to be sensible-then she goes out and breaks the bank with presents.

You’re panicked right now, and I want to help. Of course I don’t have present suggestions, just sports advice. Think of this as Dickens’ A Christmas Carol, but Scrooge has a bigger belly or love handles and if you don’t learn the lesson you end up sleeping on the couch.

Be very careful if you’re planning on giving anything athletic related. I cannot stress this enough.

Let’s consider the gym membership. You can’t just get it for her; that’s going to get you in trouble real fast. Example: “What are you saying? You think I’m fat? You think I need a gym membership?” So now your thinking you both get a membership, or worse yet you get her a membership at the gym you already go to. Absolutely not. Example: “Oh, so that’s why you never miss the yoga and Pilates classes.

Workout tapes or DVDs. Also a bad idea…even if she asked for them. Nobody reading this is a professional athlete and therefore no one has an appropriate room for said workout. She will pick the time your favorite TV show comes on to do her routine. If you leave she will get mad. If you laugh she will get mad. If you join her…well that might actually turn out to be pretty fun, but don’t squeeze her love handles right then, or the mood will go bye-bye.

I can see you’re interested in the more “adventurous” gifts so I’ve got another. Buy a full set of the Bodylastics Resistance Bands - complete with door hook and strap for “chin ups”. Put the whole thing plus a sexy piece of negligee in a box and don’t use the instruction manual to think up exercises.

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