Recession Sex

There’s so much going on with anger over the AIG bailout--Suze Orman just said Bush should give every cent he owns to the American People—Go Suze! The news is all money, money, money. I will admit to enjoying an issue of The Economist with the same fervor I used to have for Vogue and that I’d rather write about political news and money woes than anything else. But now I’m starting to feel like everyone has forgotten about sex. It’s like they’ve forgotten it even exists. They’ve certainly forgotten to have any. Studies show that recessions hurt marriages because couples argue too much about money to have sex. The recession hit and all straight people became sex-negative. Have you seen Café Flesh, the cult porn flick from the eighties? It’s about a post-apocalyptic society where people are either sex negative or sex positive and the sex negatives can’t even think about sex without suffering horrible psychological torment. There’s an allegory in there for straight vs. queer America.

According to a poll in The Daily Beast, 35% of Americans are less likely to go on dates this year and 39% plan to spend less when they do go on dates. Obviously dating is arena where lesbians have a thing or two to teach straight couples. These poor dateless people would be so much happier if they dated like we do; invite your girl over to split a bottle of pinot grigio and watch a CSI marathon and then spend all night banging on the couch. Hello? That’s a perfectly fantastic 15-dollar date; maybe 30 bucks if you order a pizza.

As far as I can tell nothing stops lesbians from having sex.  We’re still getting it on because we’re all unemployed and sex is free. We love to do free things. We love pay-what-you-can night at the museums, standing room opera tickets, potlucks and all sorts of other cheap things. And sex is the cheapest of all cheap things to do.

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To back up my theory I conducted a totally informal poll of all my ex-girlfriends (a sizeable number) as well as the fifty couples I just compiled for a piece in GO magazine called Captivating Couples. My extensive, if unofficial, research indicates lesbians are having tons of sex. Seriously. All the couples I asked told me that they stay home more because they are broke and usually spend most nights making dinner and getting it on. One a freelancer who works from home even claimed that she’s having so much sex with her unemployed butch girlfriend she never gets any work done. All they do is have sex all day and take naps so she keeps missing her deadlines.

As for the single girls, most said they still go out but that it’s easier to meet other women because everyone in the club is bored with their two dollar PBR and they’re all waiting to find someone to go home with—so they can stay in, make dinner, and get it on all night.

All that said, how’s your sex life? I want to continue my non-scientific poll here on SheWired. Are you having more sex? Less sex? Got too many money worries to get down? Or is being unemployed making you want to stay in bed with your girlfriend all day. Please answer in the comments. I’ll compile the results for a future column.