Swine Flu: Lesbian Style

If anyone out there reading this knows me personally, then congratulations. You now know someone who actually got swine flu. “Weird. I figured it was media hype,” one of my friends said. “Ellen!” exclaimed another, “I told you to stop making out with pigs!” Well, folks, it is true that H1N1 exists, though fortunately I didn’t get it from kissing a pig. Cute as pigs are, I doubt one of them will turn out to be my Princess Charming.

It began when I went to visit a friend of mine who had just come out of quarantine for H1N1. He said his girlfriend had been kissing him despite his sickness. Clearly I didn’t think through the implications of such a statement because later that night, I tasted her drink. I’m not sure why I decided this was a good idea. Clearly I, a public health student, had a brain fart. Or maybe my curiosity just got the better of me. I mean, she was drinking boxed wine mixed with grape juice. Could you have resisted trying that concoction?

Needless to say, a few days later I started getting the same symptoms my friend had. I can now be added to the list of suspected cases. I’d get it confirmed, but really, who wants to spend $300 to be told that you’re sick?

Everyone seems to be reacting similarly. After the initial disbelief, my friends and family tell me “That sucks!” Really? Does it? Yeah, I have a sore throat, I feel a little achy, and I miss out on making money at work today. But my sister is bringing me Chipotle. I have an excuse to eat limitless ice cream. I get to watch movies all day. And most importantly, when the real flu season hits, I’ll be immune to what experts say could be a particularly virulent strain.

So. Who wants to come over and share a drink?

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