Raise your hand if you can relate! There are a number of things in this world that only gay and bisexual men understand. Many of them are fabulous: being part of a queer community, the attire, drag, sex, brunch, Fire Island. All of these things straight men and women do not get to experience. Frankly, they’re missing out, but then there are those pesky little things that only gay men have the pleasure of dealing with. They are annoyances that only gay men understand, and boy, are there a lot of them. Here are 106!
I'm at the point in my life where I assume everything is a date. Maybe that's the wrong way to approach gay men, but I've had a number of meet-ups (especially right when I came out) where I thought I was just hanging out with a guy as platonic friends. But then at the end of the night, he tried to kiss me, and I felt so naive and oblivious for not realizing the whole thing was actually a date.
Me to my dad, “No, no. We've reclaimed queer as an empowering word. It's inclusive for people like me, who are sexually fluid.” Him, “I don't know. I think I'll stick to calling you bisexual. Calling you queer sounds too wrong.”
Like, come on. Is it the best show on television? No. Is it a ton of fun to watch men dress up as beautiful women and be shady to one another? 100% yes.
“Oh my god, you're getting MARRRRRRIIIIIEEEEDDDDDDD.” “It's not fair, you're like SOOO hot -- I wish you were on my team.” “Come dance with us.” No... No to all of this. You're in a queer space. Be respectful and stop getting hammered.
The secret has been out for quite some time, ever since Dan Savage coined the term “monogamish.” Many male couples are emotionally monogamous, but fool around with other men from time to time, or when traveling for work. There’s nothing wrong with that if it works for you and your partner.
It's like, seriously? Let us think for a moment that we have a chance. Don't take that illusion away from us.
A number of gay men like to think they can touch other gay men without asking. No, please ask before grabbing another man's (monstrous) bicep or bubble butt. Odds are, he'll say yes if you're friendly about it, but you always need to ask first.
It's Grindr. It's not Tinder. It's not Surge. It's not any other gay dating app that caters to both dates and hookups. Grindr is for NSA, casual hookups. Please stop asking me about what I do, how my day was, or how many brothers and sisters I have.
The age old question: Do I want to have his body or screw his body? Sometimes we meet a guy while out and about, and we can't exactly place our feelings towards him.
Does he want to beat me up or is he building up the courage to talk to me? What does that intense gaze mean?
When straight men talk over you or mansplain something to you. Or worse, they treat you like you're “crazy,” “hysterical,” or “overreacting.” (The bullshit that women have to deal with on a daily basis.)
Nope. Just because you behave more effeminately doesn't automatically mean you’re a bottom. There are some very aggressive and feminine tops out there.
Enough is enough. This crap has gone on for far too long. It’s offensive. It’s inappropriate. It’s hateful. Frankly, it’s disgusting.
You're not a twink, but you're definitely not a bear. You're not hairy enough to be an otter or a wolf. You're not muscular enough to be a bull. You're not tall enough to be a giraffe. You're not into pup play. You're just a normal gay man with a normal body. So what the hell are you?
You know what they say when you AssUme. So don't automatically think a man is gay just because he's interested in other men.
It’s one thing to make a false assumption. It’s another thing, when you’re told your assumption is wrong, to then say, “Oh, no. I’m right.” Not only are you ignorant, you’re now ignorant and stubborn. If someone says they’re bi, you need to believe them.
There’s never enough space in your closet. You’d think there’d be more, since you came out of the closet, but it’s incredibly how quickly shoes fill it all up.
It's definitely one of the toughest dilemmas to be in. When you (or your partner) wants to open up the relationship, and you (or your partner) never in a million years would agree to a non-monogamous relationship.
It sucks. There's nothing more to say. Sure, one of you could change the role he usually plays, but if neither of you are really in the mood, it's not going to be fun. This is just a crumby problem gay men have.
There are dozens of fabulous divas you can pick from. You can love a modern diva like Lady Gaga or Beyonce. You can be into 2000's divas like Britney or Christina, and you can even love an old school diva like Madonna or Whitney. So why the hell, when there are so many options out there, are you a freakin' Katy Perry gay? I just… I just can't.
Running out of lube during sex is a surefire way to lose momentum. You either have to transition to spit, or if you're not using protection, use some olive oil. (With condoms, olive oil increases the likelihood that the condom will tear.)
Okay. So I was talking to a gay man, actually a close friend of mine, and he said “Yes queen” with absolutely no inflection in his voice. Completely lackluster. It was TERRIBLE. Why did he even say it if he was just going to RUIN IT?
I was called the F word recently and not by friends of mine who were reclaiming the term. I was called a faggot by a straight man for acting more effeminate. I was in shock. Seriously? We're in Cambridge Massachusetts and you're calling me the F word? I responded by saying, “If that's what it takes to make you feel like a big man, I pity you,” and then walked away. There are few words in the English language that sting more to a gay/bi man than “faggot.”
There's nothing wrong with dick pics. I love getting them. I love sending them. I love everything about them. They've become the modern handshake for gay men. Similarly, I love getting butt pics. (The closeup hole pics I don't quite understand -- but to each his own.) Nevertheless, I do not like having them sent to me before we speak. Solicited butthole pics = thumbs up. Unsolicited = creep.
There are more sexualities than gay and straight. There are more genders than male and female. And yes, you may at some point in your life find yourself more attracted to men and at other points women. That doesn't mean you're being indecisive. It just means your sexuality has evolved.
Urgh. It's like, you know the deal. You know how this works. Why are you lying? We're going to be upset, and more often than not, if you look nothing like your pics, we're going to ask you to leave.
I don't know what it is, but the moment I slip into my leather, I feel like a new man. Leather has allowed me to embrace my queerness in ways I couldn't before. Leather helped me find a community.
That's awesome that you like gay men. I like gay men too. We're pretty awesome, but gay men aren't accessories. We're not like a necklace or chihuahua you can don around your neck. We're people. So you know, please treat us like living, breathing human beings.
I know it's hard to believe, but some gay men do know (and actually follow sports.) Now I'm not one of those men, but those men, do exist (or so I’ve been told…).
Um… excuse me? We, as a people, are nothing if not brunchers. Throw some bottomless mimosas and Bloody Marys in there and we’re all set.
Maybe it’s the men I attract, but I sleep with a lot of men who spit in my mouth while we're hooking up. Yes, of course it can be hot, but please don’t overdo it.
Intersectionality people! Our experience of oppression, as non-straight individuals is heavily influenced by other aspects of our identity including race, gender, socioeconomic status, and education level, just to name a few. Black, bisexual, trans people, and women face different forms of oppression than white, cis, gay men even though we're both integral members of the LGBTQ community. (In short, they experience a LOT more oppression.) In order for us to be a community, we need to fight for all oppressed people, because identity is so interconnected. We can’t just fight for the wealthy, white, cis gay men. We need to fight for people of color, regardless of sexual orientation.
There are plenty of “masc” men who love being pounded. Even better, there are a number of masculine power bottoms who run the show.
Having impromptu sex is fabulous. It’s sexy. It’s hot. It’s a nice surprise, but it’s also dangerous. Gay men need to prepare for sex. We need to clean, and if we know a guy’s coming over with a monster sea-slug hanging from his torso, we need to loosen ourselves up prior. Alas, many times we don’t have time to prepare, or we weren't expecting to get laid, which then leads to fearful (poopy) thoughts during anal penetration.
Okay, obviously if you’re on the wagon, don’t drink cocktails. But when I go out with a bunch of gay friends and they all want Bud Light, I’m like who are you? Why are we even friends?
Oh boy, how the gays love their G. What’s there to say? Be smart, be safe, don’t drink alcohol, and for the love of God, don’t OD if you use it.
Another close friend of ours, Tina, runs rampant in the gay community. (For those of you who don’t know what Tina is, it’s crystal meth.) There’s really no such thing as a casual meth user. GHB yes, even cocaine, yes, but meth, no? Not something you want to mess around with, no matter how open to drugs/sex/partying you are.
Urgh, there’s nothing worse in the world than having the thought of HIV come into your mind in the middle of earth-shattering sex. (Odds are, you thought about it because you’re having unprotected sex.) Those insidious HIV thoughts immediately take you out of the moment.
It may be a little weird when a 55-year-old man is dating a 22-year-old woman, but in the gay community, it’s not weird. In fact, it’s pretty common. There’s nothing weird, exploitative, or manipulative about it. Love is love and age is just a number.
You’re trying and trying, and you’re so damn close. You feel your orgasm brewing at the base of your penis, but you just can’t finish. So frustrating.
It’s like, how did that happen? Did your straight friends convince you? We live in a straight goddamn world, you think they’ be up to going to a gay club, which has better people and music anyway.
I’m in shock when I get slut-shamed. It’s 2016. Seriously, why do you still care? Honestly, at this point, it’s jealousy. These are men who either can’t get laid or have some internalized homophobia and because of it, they don’t feel comfortable having casual encounters. Thus, they project their insecurities and homophobia onto you. I’ve come to realize that being slut-shamed has nothing to do with you (or your sexual activities). It has all to do with the guy shaming you.
Beyonce tickets cost so much money, but you must see her. Save the money. Borrow if you need to. Do whatever you need to do to see her in concert. It’s worth it. I promise.
While there aren’t many of us, I do know of a few guys who can’t go on Truvada because of the nasty side effects they experienced. (A close friend of mine got pancreatitis). These men, unfortunately, have to be extra careful during sex, and don’t have the peace of mind the same way as those on PrEP do. Additionally, there are sometimes issues with insurance, and Truvada costs hundreds of dollars for a month supply.
We all make mistakes. We’re only human. Sometimes, these mistakes mean we have to go on PeP (post-exposure prophylaxis). If you learn you’ve been exposed to someone with HIV, who’s not taking meds to keep their viral load down, you may want to consider PeP. PeP is only used for emergency situations, and you take antiretrovirals for a month after exposure. You can only take PeP within 72 hours of exposure, and it kind of destroys your body, so it’s a last measure precaution.
I honestly wonder what homophobic family members think they’re going to achieve by being terrible. After repeatedly criticizing us for being gay or having an inappropriate “lifestyle” do they think we’re just going to be like, “You’re right. I’m 100% straight. Thank you for berating me and being awful to me for the past decade. I’m now going to marry a woman, repent for my sins, and have a billion straight babies.”
This plain sucks. When this happens you need to discuss what’s going on, and perhaps bring up the possibility of opening up your relationship or being monogamish.
Everyone, LGBTQ+ people included, deserve the right to marry whomever we so choose. That doesn’t mean that we have to use that right. Many of us do not want to get married. We’ve seen all the divorces in our lifetime. We’ve seen marriages turn ugly. We don’t want to have to deal with that. So yes, we’re thrilled we have the right, but it’s also our right to choose not to wed.
So… sex in the car then? Yikes, it seems so high school.
Just in case you weren’t feeling shitty about your appearance, here are some white muscle hunks to help feed your body dysmorphia and unhealthy eating habits even more!
Well now no one can have fun. Are you happy? Wait, does this mean there are guys who actually go to the gym to work out?
Even in larger metropolitan cities like NY, SF, or LA, the dating pool feels so tiny. It turns dating into a nightmare. You feel like you’ve hooked up with or dated every single gay man in your town.
Play the divas! Enough with this faux-dance electronic rubbish that more and more gay clubs are playing. I want Beyonce. I want Britney. I want my icons!
This is also becoming more and more common. You don’t sleep with enough men! It’s like there’s this perfect and impossible to obtain medium. You need to have slept with exactly eight guys in order to be neither a slut nor prude.
Give credit where credit is due. She may not be what she once was, but she is, and forever will be Britney fuckin’ Spears.
Sorry, did you just call me Daddy? I’m only 32...
You think to yourself, “Sure, let me just pick up the pace here. I’m doing pretty well.” Ten seconds later you’ve cut your scrotum and you’re bleeding all over the place.
The only thing you can think about is your next meal (or lack thereof) and not going to the gym is enough to give you a panic attack. And there’s no way in hell you’re ever going shirtless in front of another gay man.
What do you say? Do you call them a bro back? Like, seriously? No sir, I am not your “Bro.”
This first time I heard this I couldn’t top laughing. I guess there’s nothing inherently wrong with this, and you could make the claim that being turned off by this is a form of misogyny. (I will not make that claim, but I think it’s there to be made if you so choose). It just sounds vulgar and gross to me.
Fun fact, I’m indeed polyamorous. I also love threesomes, but neither of those things are definitional characteristics of being bisexual. There are plenty of bi folks who are strictly monogamous, and would never in a million years have a threesome.
I get it. You have the life. You party, and you do drugs, and your body is unreal. That doesn’t mean you’re better than me. So please, don’t judge or shit on me.
If you have your shit together, what’s wrong with partying into your 60s? If you’re seeing your family and friends, working 50 hours a week, and making bank, why does it matter where you spend your free time? Why does it matter that you want to hook up with younger dudes? Younger dudes are hot! I get it. You do you.
Watch, by the time this goes live, Boys Don’t Cry will be out on Spotify and Itunes. (At least I pray it’ll be.) He’s been teasing us with this album for actual years now.
You may have a preference for a certain race. That’s okay. You may find yourself typically attracted to certain types. That’s completely fine. But singling out a marginalized racial group and saying “NO” to them is racist.
I’m sorry. Do I know you? You just don’t “get her?” No. I’m having none of it.
Your arrogance and lack of empathy is appalling. Just because you know a few guys who identified as bi before identifying as gay doesn't mean that all bi men are in transition. And please, again tell me how you know more about my sexuality within minutes of having met me than I do after 25 years.
I sometimes think that there are professional dick pic photographers, maybe even whole modeling agencies dedicated to getting the absolute perfect picture of your penis. It seems like every guy on Grindr has a penis the size of my forearm. I don’t understand how.
When you go out to a club, gay beach, or pride festival, and pretty much every guy there has a six pack. You can’t help but think to yourself, “Where do all these guys come from? What the hell do they do all day? What do they eat?”
Almost every broke millennial considers it at some point in their early years. You got student loans to pay. You’re barely making minimum wage after graduating phi beta kappa from your college, and times are freakin’ tough. Why not find a sugar daddy? For some guys, it’s more than a fleeting thought. It’s something they pursue. Little do they realize how difficult it is to find a sugar daddy. The moment they start searching, the moment they realize it ain’t gonna be easy.
You see him twice a week. You hang out with his friends. You always bone. You sleep over. You even get brunch with him the morning after, but for some reason, it doesn’t feel like you’re dating. You’re just kinda friends. Like, what the hell is going on?
So annoying, especially when you realize it after things have already heated up. You then ask yourself, "Is it worth it to take the risk? And if you do take the risk, you regret it immediately after.
You’ve been dating for a couple of months now, and the sex has been good, just a little vanilla. You have no sense of whether your partner is kinky or not, and you're too afraid to ask. How the hell do you tell him you love being fisted and peed on?
I’m sorry, what’s that? My desire to stay alive this week? To not be beaten up on the street for holding my boyfriend's hand? Bottomless mimosa brunch? What “agenda” is it that you think I’m pushing?
It’s a small world. It’s an even smaller gay world. After you break up with your ex, you will run into him everywhere. Always. Every single damn time.
I think (hope) this is falling out of fashion, as truvada is becoming more ubiquitously used in the gay community. Still, I’m confused how taking precautions about your own personal health makes you a whore. I would love for someone to explain that to me.
We’re going to think you’re ugly, and that's a promise. I get that you’re not out yet or that anonymity turns you on, but all we think is, “Wow, this guy must be hella gross if he’s afraid to show me his face.”
You have 100K followers on Instagram? Cool. Are you gonna look up from you phone when you talk to me, or just… oh, I guess you’re not. Alrighty then.
Haters gonna hate. Yes, I know it’s not the sexiest to snort while you’re being pounded, but sometimes, that’s what you need to do to loosen up.
I’m meeting more and more men who only screw raw. In itself, there’s nothing wrong with it. If two men agree to condomless sex, that’s their own prerogative. It only becomes a problem when he doesn’t want to wear one during sex, and then heavily encourage you not to, when you don’t feel comfortable barebacking.
It is real. It’s not only homophobic, but it’s also misogynistic. It causes severe anxiety and makes many gay men feel insecure and unappreciated by both the gay and straight communities.
You can have a preference for more fit men. There’s nothing wrong with that. But by explicitly saying “no fats” you’re marginalizing and offending a whole group of people. If you get messaged by a plus-size person, and you’re not interested in them physically, just ignore them. There’s no reason to be a sizeist asshole about it.
No, you’re not, and yes, we’re onto you. If you are actually just looking for friends, then you’re not being smart about it. Don’t use Grindr/Scruff if you’re just looking for friends, use other gay apps that are more catered to making friends instead of hooking up.
Sometimes, it’s nice when he wants to stay and cuddle and get to you know better. Other times, you want him to get the hell out of your apartment ASAP, and there’s no simple way to tell him.
How come you know so many guys who say they’re looking for a BF, but the ones you meet (and like!) are only looking to hook up? This always seems to be the case. I don’t get it.
Dogs make better boyfriends than men. Every single time. They’re never too hot to cuddle. They always need you. They never cheat on you. They just make better boyfriends.
Ever have déjà vu when it comes to gay clubs? You feel like you’ve been there before, even if you haven’t. After going out to various gay bars and clubs, they all seem the exact same.
Your only option becomes skank drag, and while a ton of fun, sometimes you want to be a glamorous queen, not a hairy, skanky one.
This sucks. How can such a kind, caring guy only have bitchy friends? It makes no sense, but somehow they all manage to get along and he loves his shady friends dearly.
This never has and never will turn out well. Try to shut down those feelings the moment you start having them. Don’t even entertain them. Nothing good can come from falling in love with a straight guy.
You’ve been friends for what seems like forever, until one day you realize you don’t really want to hear about this amazing hookup he had last night. You’re not sure why. Usually you’d be happy for him, but something has changed. When you fall in love with your gay BFF you have to tell him (once you’re sure it’s not a fleeting crush). Who know’s? He may like you too.
What do you even say when you find out? It say so much about the type of person they are. How can you even talk to a family member who supports an unabashedly homophobic, sexist, and racist candidate?
It’s only three inches inside your anus, so it’s seldom a matter of size. It’s more a matter of positioning. If he’s really not getting it, show him this.
Playing hard to get never works. Sure, it may help you get a one time lay, but after you’re “got” he’ll lose all interested. Be open and honest with your intent and feelings. Here are some things you should do instead of playing hard to get.
Everyone has one, and you know he hasn't washed that thing in weeks. Who knows how many times, he, you, and god knows who else has ejaculated into that towel you could so easily snap in half.
Do you know what’s better than having a guy you’re super attracted to inside of you? Having a guy you’re super attracted to you inside of you VIBRATING.
Relax. Breathe. All that stuff. Or, if that’s not working, POPPERS! I know many gay men are vehemently opposed to them, but like, screw ‘em. If that’s what you need, they’re legal, and (relatively) safe as long as you’re smart about it.
You were poking around up there, so what do you expect? This is why you should always have scented candles on hand.
Perks of not trimming = all natural and “manly.” Cons = accidental flossing of teeth with pubic hair.
It’s kind of adorable, but it’s also kind of painful. Lotion on up and tell him he needs to either shave or grow out that 5 o’clock shadow.
This is a pain in the ass. (No, not literally.) This annoying situation often happens with the penetratee is riding the man, and he’s used to someone a little more endowed. Easiest fix, have the top take control. He knows his own size and knows how far out he can pull before thrusting back in.
Remember those old safety videos you watched in high school chemistry class? Now it’s time to put that info about carefully washing your eye to good use. Or, be prepared to tell your friends and family you caught a bad case of “pinkeye.”
In porn, they have absolutely no problem finding it. Within seconds, the top is inside the bottom and banging away. Not in real life. In real life, you poke around a bunch until he eventually helps you find his hole to spare you more embarrassment.
They are so annoying and painful. They are the ultimate cockblock (literally). Here are some tips to help you get rid of anal fissures.
There’s nothing wrong with dating or hooking up with someone younger (as long as they’re of legal age), but there’s still something jarring about learning someone is ten years younger than you thought.
It’s like Cinderella and the glass slipper. The moment you find the right one, you can't help but think to yourself, “Do I really need a boyfriend?”