Relationship Myths Debunked

Sometimes it’s hard work being a dyke. If you are good at it you have to deal with bullshit on all sides. Straight guys find you either threatening or hot. Straight girls find you titillating or scary. The media ignores you (or you wish they would). Gay men ignore you. Your only role models are sports stars and Melissa Etheridge, and if you aren’t into either of those things, you’re fucked.

More and more our recognition of ourselves and other people as queer takes place early enough to prevent a lot of the feelings of isolation that many of us used to experience as wee gay babes. That means we’re a healthier, more self-aware nation of queers. A healthier nation of queers that wants to date, get laid, fall in love, and eventually settle down, move to Canada, and get gay-married to each other. Or some combination thereof. And the first step to finding a lasting relationship that makes you happy is to let go of some of the tired old stereotypes. Here are the three most common myths about dating women. Let them go and fall in love.

Myth #1: Lesbians skip dating and go straight to living together (also known as The U-Haul Syndrome).

 This is that tired old belief that when two girls date they immediately move in together. Sure, it happens. But it happens with straight people and gay men, too. It’s not particular to lesbians. Sometimes people just fall in love right away. Sometimes people are needy and lonely, and they meet someone else who is also needy and lonely, and they click and settle down immediately. Sometimes people move in together out of convenience and pragmatism. But whatever the reason, the lesbian version of this is not as common as all the jokes would have you believe.

Queer women date each other without immediately jumping into relationships. Dykes have sex, even casual sex, even (gasp!) anonymous sex. Dykes want to get to know someone before they move in together; they may want to eventually settle down and have a bunch of babies or a golden retriever or maybe just a flat-screen TV.

Many of us aren’t even interested in settling down at all. There are women of all ages who simply want to go through life having a series of love affairs. These women value their independence and find that having lovers and friends suits them more than having a serious partner.

I’ve never met anyone who seriously wanted to move right in with the first gal who came along. What kind of crazy behavior is that? It goes without saying you should get to know someone a bit before you make promises and lifelong commitments. As for bringing the U-Haul on the second date? If you do spot this type, run.

Myth #2: Lesbians don’t have a lot of sex (also known as Lesbian Bed-Death Syndrome).

You may have noticed there’s a stereotype out there that lesbians are a lot like giant pandas and just like to roll around on top of each other. I really think that myth is something propagated by our patriarchal society; no one wants to think about chicks screwing each other all the time when there’s no penis in sight. It just makes penises seem kind of obsolete. And that makes the people that run the world kind of uncomfortable. The real truth is dykes have more sex than you can imagine. Dykes are the ones throwing the sex parties, teaching the sexy workshops, having multiple lovers, opening sex-toy stores, reading and writing erotica, and educating themselves and each other about sex. Lesbian relationships are hot, sexy, and multi-orgasmic.

Myth #3: Bi girls are just experimenting and will leave you for a man (also known as The Kissing Jessica Stein Syndrome).

In the nineties when femmes were still called lipstick lesbians and it was all the rage to experiment with girl-on-girl love, chicks who had been queer all their lives resented these tourists in the lesbian nation for what they saw as their straight privilege. Bi-curious, bisexual, or otherwise ladies weren’t seen as “real” lesbians. They were just playing around with the swinging Sapphic set, looking for a little fun before going back to straightville armed with new sexual skills and trailing broken hearts in their wake.

But that’s an outdated way of thinking, propagated by fear, internalized homophobia, and growing up in a society that’s so sexually repressed everyone had to gather into factions just so they’d have backup in case of attack.

Girls who don’t necessarily identify as dykes are dating each other and enjoying it. In our post-label, polyamorous, open-minded, sex-positive world, all sorts of women are happily hooking up. Any combo meal you can think up is probably happening at the gay bar down the street, so why worry about what we’re calling it anymore?