Scroll To Top

The Persuasive Pundit: Bigelow Bill Bans Shellfish!

The Persuasive Pundit: Bigelow Bill Bans Shellfish!

Shellfish are scary! They are scary. They have beady little eyes, like George Bush. Shellfish is an abomination. Sayeth the bible! If they can justify it for the gays! I can justify if for a lobster.

Shellfish are scary! They are scary. They have beady little eyes, like George Bush. They have hard exteriors, like an ex girlfriend of mine. It’s downright unnatural that one time that I got a paper cut on my finger from the shell of a crab leg when I was living in Baltimore.

I am calling on a constitutional amendment that will ban shellfish but not just shellfish but the eating of shellfish -- feel me? I’ve been meditating on it; I made some prayer beads made out of pearls naturally, to assist in my praying over it. As I was laying my head down to sleep last night God told to me that I needed to rally the gay community. We should be up in arms over those crabs, not the ones you get from sex, not those -- the ones that you get that are covered in old bay seasoning. The crabs that are succulent, tempting and are best served when dipped in warm butter should put a flame under our booties.

You may say, don’t be ridiculous. Shellfish doesn’t hurt anyone, unless they have an allergy. I say to you -- it’s hurting our society -- it is our moral obligation. We need to make a law. The baking of, the boiling of, the marinating of and the steaming of shellfish is going against the bible. Crab legs -- be banned for all of humanity. Write something up -- start a bill -- get some signatures -- we need action. I want an amendment -- an amendment honey, to ban Red Lobster. Do away with lobster bisque -- even the creamy sherry based bisque. I want it illegal honey to cook a simple Scampi in the home?

WHY am I up in arms?


Shellfish is an abomination. That’s right honey, that word has five syllables A-bom-in-na-tion! Sayeth the bible!

If they can justify it for the gays! I can justify if for a lobster. Don’t hate. Selective bible thumpery has everybody up in arms. Andrew Callahan -- a Mormon who thinks it’s unjust to ask church members to support Prop 8 -- may be excommunicated from his Mormon church for disagreeing with his church’s support of the Proposition.

It is estimated that over 40 percent of the money raised to support Proposition Hate has come from Mormons. But lest we believe that the Mormons are the only ones using the bible to selectively thump and discriminate ooh no, there is plenty of prejudice masked in religion or spirituality to go around.

In San Diego, the Skyline church asked that 100 young adults spend five or so weeks fasting until election day -- in support of hatoration 8. Over $1 million has been contributed from the Catholic fraternal organization The Knights of Columbus, honey! Evangelicals, Roman Catholics, Southern Baptist, Orthodox Jews all of ‘em are urging their faithful crabs to send their financial support to vote yes on 8. Proposition 8 is the proposition that will ban Same Sex marriage in California, making it again legal to deny dignity, equality, and justice to two men or two women who love each other and want to be married.

I want a rally where folks hold up signs that say:

GOD hates shellfish.

For all of the people in Red Lobster, I want them ex-co-mu-ni-ca-ted!!! Banned!

I want us to quote Leviticus while standing outside the local Red Lobster

“But all in the seas or in the rivers that do not have fins and scales, all that move in the water or any living thing which is in the water, they are an abomination to you.”

I want tornados and floods, and global warming to be blamed on crab legs.

I want to collect money like the over $17 million dollars that’s been raised from Proposition Hate -- I want us to send that shellfish money to the HRC.

And if this doesn’t work -- I’m going after the poly/cotton blend!

Advocate Channel - The Pride StoreOut / Advocate Magazine - Fellow Travelers & Jamie Lee Curtis

From our Sponsors

Most Popular

Latest Stories

author avatar

Gloria Bigelow