Am I dating a ‘sociopath’? LGBTQ+ relationship & mental health experts share the warning signs

What is a sociopath?

We’ve all been in bad relationships, but sociopaths aren’t just jerks who will have you eating a tub of ice cream when the inevitable breakup occurs. The term sociopath is actually an informal way of talking about people with Antisocial Personality Disorder (ASPD). “A sociopath often lacks empathy and is someone who acts rather too impulsively, without stopping to consider the fact that there could be implications to their proposed action,” Reyes tells PRIDE. “The actions of a sociopath are often reckless and carried out with disregard for how they harm someone else.”

The sociopaths we normally see on television or in movies are killers like Hannibal Lecter, Dexter Morgan, or Villanelle from Killing Eve, but in real life, they may be less easy to spot, especially since they can also be extremely charming and charismatic. “Media portrayals often focus on extreme cases, but sociopathy exists on a spectrum,” Dempsey explains. “Some individuals may function in everyday life without overt criminal behavior, while others engage in more harmful or exploitative patterns.”

One of the hallmarks of sociopathy is a lack of empathy or conscience, but people who have ASPD also struggle to understand other emotions and societal expectations. “While they may acknowledge that others do have consciences, and they can understand the concepts of right and wrong, as well as social norms, they do not feel that these concepts or societal norms apply to them often because they struggle to feel social emotions like sympathy, empathy, guilt, remorse, sadness,” Dr. Tausig says.

Is it more or less common in the LGBTQ+ community?

According to Dempsey, “1-3% of adults meet the criteria for ASPD, and traits associated with sociopathy can appear in broader populations without meeting full diagnostic thresholds.” But what about within the queer community?

While he says that there is no research to show whether or not there are more LGBTQ+ sociopaths, there is a history of queer people being unfairly diagnosed with mental health disorders they don’t have. Homosexuality was even listed as a personality disorder in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders until the 1970s, when it was changed to a “sexual orientation disturbance” before being removed altogether in ‘90s.

“It's also worth noting that queer people have historically been misdiagnosed or pathologized due to bias within the mental health field, which makes accurate comparisons more challenging,” Dempsey says.

While LGBTQ+ people aren’t more likely to be sociopaths, Dr. Tausig says that queer people are at “higher risks for other mental health conditions, but this is attributed to the experiences of discrimination and stigma they often face."

Are LGBTQ+ people more or less likely to date a sociopath?

It’s hard to say if LGBTQ+ people are more likely to date someone with ASPD than their heterosexual counterparts, but many queer daters have dealt with stigma, rejections, and trauma in a way that straight people haven’t, and that could keep someone from leaving an abusive partner. “Queer people also experience domestic violence at disproportionately high rates compared to heterosexual and cisgender populations, making it harder to recognize or escape manipulative relationships,” Dempsey explains. “So while sociopath itself isn't more common in queer spaces, conditions that allow manipulative or controlling behavior to thrive often are.”

Queer people might not be more likely to date sociopaths, but Dr. Tausig agrees that they are “more vulnerable to abusive relationships for other reasons related to societal stigma and discrimination (i.e. isolation, weaponizing of identity, exploitation of shame, few positive role models, and barriers to seeking help).”

What are the impacts of dating a sociopath?

When you first start dating someone with ASPD, you may be over the moon that you met someone so charming, but over time, the luster wears off the relationship, and you’re left with the fallout from the way they treated you. “Dating a sociopath is often characterized by initial highs and then a gradual and steady decline into the depths of emotional exhaustion,” Reyes says. “This is because the individual who is dating a sociopath almost always finds themselves isolated from their friends and family, often as a result of the manipulative guilt-trapping and gaslighting of their sociopathic partner. Other impacts include loss of self-esteem, financial exploitation, and possibly even physical harm.”

After dating a sociopath, you may struggle with “chronic anxiety or depression, attachment challenges, re-traumatization (for those with a history of abuse or rejection), isolation from friends and family,” Dempsey says. And in extreme cases, there could have been violence in the relationship or threats of violence that had you living in fear. “These effects can linger long after the relationship ends. Survivors may struggle to recognize healthy love or fear repeating harmful patterns,” he warns. “However, recovery is possible through trauma-informed therapy.”

Are sociopaths all bad? 

A sociopath might manipulate you, gaslight you, try to control you, or be emotionally abusive in other ways, but there are also probably parts of their personality that you like, or you wouldn’t have gotten into the relationship in the first place. People with ASPD can do lasting emotional damage to the person they are dating, but it can also be hard to end a relationship when there are parts of their personality you enjoy. “The truth is, dating a sociopath isn't all bad, because let's face it, if it were, walking out of the relationship wouldn't be that much of a challenge,” Reyes explains.

And contrary to popular belief, sociopaths aren’t all angry, violent, aggressive people, “nor are they bad company, especially in the initial stages of a relationship when they are mostly their charming and charismatic selves,” she says.

Not everyone with ASPD is a walking red flag. Some sociopaths have taken the time to work on themselves so they no longer harm other people. “Some individuals can recognize their tendencies and work on them, such as through therapy,” Dempsey says. “Like anyone else, they can build healthier coping mechanisms, develop empathy, and maintain functional relationships.”

Can you have a successful and loving relationship with one?

Reyes says having a happy and healthy relationship with a sociopath is possible if you are both self-aware, are committed to emotional growth, and prioritize accountability. Sociopaths are also “capable of love and expressing it in the most charmingly superficial way,” but in order to keep the relationship on the right track, you might have to be willing to give up your own identity.

“There is a great chance that the success of this relationship would come at the expense of their partner's support system, because with sociopaths, there is always a condition, and their love is often transactional,” Reyes warns. “Such that having a successful and loving relationship with a sociopath would most likely be dependent on their partner's willingness to give up their identity outside of the relationship.”

But just like any other relationship, in order to have a healthy relationship, you need to have "open and honest communication, mutual respect for boundaries and autonomy, consistent empathy and care over time, and the ability to resolve conflicts constructively,” Dempsey says.

While you should pay attention to warning signs that you are being mistreated by a sociopath, we also need to be careful not to paint with too broad a brush, and act like media portrayals of sociopaths are an accurate representation of people dealing with the condition. "Common myths include - all sociopaths are violent, they can't form love or attachments, or that dating them is automatically a bad idea,” Dempsey explains. “We must approach the topic of APD with nuance and empathy rather than fear-mongering, as well as be informed without pathologizing every challenging or emotionally unavailable partner.”

How do you know if you are in a healthy relationship with a sociopath or an unhealthy one?

Be on the lookout for manipulation tactics, gaslighting, a lack of empathy, an inability to feel guilt, and irresponsible or aggressive behavior. If you start to notice these things, then you are probably in an unhealthy relationship with a sociopath and should try to get out.

“The truth is that a relationship with a sociopath can hardly be truly healthy because the basics of the things that make for a healthy relationship like trust, respect, and empathy are often lacking in these relationships,” Reyes says.

What should you do if you realize you’re dating a sociopath? Should you break up — and if so, how?

If you discover you are dating someone with ASPD — especially if they are being emotionally abusive or aggressive — you should seriously consider seeking help and ending the relationship. “If you realize you are dating a sociopath, the best thing to do is to simply put an end to the relationship by walking away,” Reyes says. She also warns against making the mistake of thinking that they can no longer manipulate you once you are aware of their tactics, and recommends leaving without trying to “engage emotionally or explain your reasons for wanting to leave.”

Dempsey says that if you decide to end the relationship, make sure you have a plan in place to do it safely before you leave. “While not every relationship with someone with APD is abusive, it's important to prioritize your safety, well-being, and emotional health,” he explains. “Take time to honestly assess the relationship, prioritize safety, seek support, and set boundaries (even if that means ending the relationship). Remember that ending the relationship may be the safest and easiest choice, but how and when you do so should reflect your unique situation and safety needs.”

Sources cited:

Dr. Jephtha Tausig, a licensed clinical psychologist.

Will Dempsey, a social worker and the founder of Heads Held High Counseling.

Angie Reyes, a relationship expert and general manager at Wiselaw.