It's been a few weeks now since Broad City's second season ended, and we're missing it more than ever. Truly, Abbi Jacobson and Ilana Glazer have become a legitimate part of our lives, and Broad City has become more than just a TV show. For better or for worse, it's also a major source of guidance, wisdom, and inspiration, and today we want to celebrate all of that awesomeness by presenting 10 life lessons we've learned and cherished from these two ladies. Oh, and disclaimer: some of these life hacks might be absolutely terrible ideas.
10. Hand dry your partner's sex toys:
Dishwashers be damned, unless running around in a desperate search for a potentially barely-adequate replacement gives you a thrill. But trust us and trust Abbi when we say machine washing your sex toys will leave you screwed in an entirely different way!
9. Learn how to make your own moonshine:
You never know when you'll need it. Or, even better, you'll never know when Kelly Ripa will need it. After losing Kelly Ripa's coat and going on a mad dash around the city to find it, Abbi is finally able to return it and is then invited for an evening of extreme partying. When the wine runs dry, Kelly's special moonshine supply comes in to play. Now don't you want to be that cool?
8. Don't like your job? Hire interns to do it for you:
Ilana hates her job, so much so that she just about literally never does it. However, she does find that hiring several unpaid interns leads to a huge productivity and pay increase! The guilt might weigh you down eventually like it did Ilana, but if not go you and your new surplus of cash!
7. Loud catcalling is the new Tinder:
Forget apps! Forget acceptable social skills! When they decide to leave their phones at home, Abbi and Ilana are at a loss over what to do about the hot guys they wish they could swipe right on. Ilana's solution? Holla! Does it work? No. In fact, the rest of the day as a whole goes exceptionally poorly. But we do get to learn what a Brazilian nut would think if it was judging American Idol, so at least some good came of this.
6. Make sure to get your A/C before the summer starts.
Living in sweltering heat is no fun. Living with something eloquently coined as 'swamp ass' is less fun. So just go get a damn air conditioner before this all goes down instead of waiting until your shoving toilet paper down your pants. You're not even prepared for the regret you might feel.
5. Never go to Whole Foods on any type of hallucinogen.
Or this might happen to you, and this image is frightening enough.
4. Love yourself...and people who look like you too.
Ilana thought she found true love in Adele - a new acquaintance played by Alia Shawkat - but she really only discovered she had found true love in herself. When the two try to have sex, Ilana discovers they look too much alike and calls it off. Adele is gone now but certainly not forgotten, and we're definitely crossing our fingers for a reunion ASAP.
3. Clean your house with no inhibitions and a lot of Lady Gaga.
This one speaks for itself. The joy of being home alone is real, ya'll. We're pulling out the big video guns for this one.
2. Learn some jazz standards in case you get blackout drunk.
If that sentence makes no sense, you need to start watching Broad City, like, yesterday. The appearance of Val, Abbi's old-timey, blackout drunk persona, is one of Broad City's brightest highlights of all time. Start working on cultivating your singing voice if you ever want to be as cool as Abbi/Val without ever knowing it. And let's be real, you really need to see Val to believe Val:
1. Your best friend is your biggest treasure.
We all need that person who's going to help us when we're locked out of our apartment and have also been maced in the eyes. We need that pal who's with us threw thick and thin, and sometimes semi-inappropriately Skypes us while they're having sex. Abbi and Ilana's real-life friendship brought us Broad City in the first place, and it continues to shine through as one of TV's strongest frienships today. Now, can we please have season 3? Right now?