Most in Hollywood have finally come down from the high they’ve been riding for the past few months. This high is both the synthetic, ephemeral one and that biological one that comes from career recognition. Even the hanger-ons with their baby laxative thick cocaine and loose ties to celebrities have plateaud to normal, which is anything but, and nothing short of bat shit crazy in this town. We’ve had the Critic’s Choice Awards, Young Hollywood Awards, Independent Spirit Awards, Golden Globes, Emmy’s, AFI, SAG, DGA, PGA, WGA… WTF??? There are so many. I’m surprised caterers don’t have their own awards show.

It all wrapped up earlier this week in a truly forgettable Oscar show I can barely remember right now, and couldn't remember a minute after it ended. The show was dull and lacking in humor, and it made me wanna Plath myself by putting my head in the damned oven.

The air was sucked out of the Kodak from the get go once James Franco strutted on stage and appeared to have more interest in his phone than putting on – or even attempting to put on – a good show. I was immediately turned off, which is weird ‘cause a Franco sighting is usually a turn on. Anne Hathaway was delightful, but the balance between the two was anything but. I digress though as I’m not here to bitch and moan about how awful the whole affair was. Well…

The months that contained these countless self-congratulating awards shows lacked any sort of surprise. Did anyone really think that Bening was gonna take the crown from Portman once she won the first of the major awards? People hoped, but it wasn’t going to happen no matter how hard lesbians and gays wanted her to. Bale was a shoo-in as was Leo, even after those… well, those awful portraits that she ran in the trades. Those absurd photos bordered on frightening in their desperation for validation, and I think actually made her look more grotesque than pretty. That’s at least what my poll from lesbians returned.

The Oscar for directing was a surprise as I thought Fincher was going to take it. Also, Fincher is way more scrumpsh in his daddy-ness than Tom Hooper is. That bloke looks like a bird. Awarding Best Picture to The King’s Speech was a disappointment for two reasons. One, I loved The Social Network; two, if it had won, then my future husband, Andrew Garfield would’ve graced the stage and the screen. It lost and I didn’t see him, which totally sucks ‘cause I didn’t see him on the carpet when I was walking a client down. Making up for that personal loss though was tailing that dude on the carpet who plays the Winklevoss twins. Him and his seven-foot gorgeousness, well… I need a minute now.

So I’m back… I’ve been hearing a lot of complaints that the awards show wasn’t LGBT enough. Boo hoo. Does every awards show have to be soaked in LGBT-ness, and what’s the bar set at to make it that? The stage is dazzling and there are song and dance numbers, gorgeous dresses on women that form their bodies perfectly showing off what is needed. There are hot guys in expensive suits and tuxes. Song and dance, glam and money, sex and booze. It’s Hollywood; it doesn’t get gayer than that.

There’s Disney topper, Rich Ross walking the carpet and he’s openly gay and hot; Oscar winning producer of The King’s Speech Iain Canning thanked his husband after winning Best Picture; Lisa Cholodenko was nommed for writing lesbian-centric The Kids Are All Right, which garnered Annette Bening a nom for Best Actress. I didn’t see it, but doesn’t Natalie Portman go down on Mila Kunis in Black Swan? Or is it the other way around? I love me the mens, but even the thought of that hot girl on girl gets my blood boiling a little… Lora Hirschberg kissed her wife that night when her name was announced for winning for sound mixing for Inception. Pretty gay right there and that’s what’s on the screen and stage.

Yes, there’s that controversy about the edited out kiss between presenters Josh Brolin and Javier Bardem, but most people yammering on about it weren’t involved in the production of the show and have no real insight about what really occurred. Did the camera pan away on purpose? Was the pan away already planned and the kiss was a poorly timed last minute decision that occurred when the camera wasn’t on them? You know what? Who cares? I totally wasn’t involved and don’t know all the deets and I’m gonna refrain from commenting, except for the fact that I find them both equally unattractive and I’d rather stare at the cut away to Penelope Cruz in her Chopard jewelry, L’Wren Scott dress and pair of bitching Choo’s. Her outfit alone was gayer than that kiss.

So the awards shows have come and gone and we have another seven months 'till the campaigns start again, and the hoopla is in full effect. The mens and the femmes will step onto many a red carpet decked out in Vuitton, Klein, Rodarte and whatever couture their stylists can pull.  We’ll sit back and bitch and moan about this or that, all the while – even if it’s just tiny bit – wishing we were there.  
I was there for many awards show this year, and believe me the gays and lesbians are more abundant than one would ever believe. I mean, it is a social norm to think Hollywood is packed with gays and lesbians, ‘cause it is, but they’re everywhere at awards shows. I even spotted a hot camera assistant at The Spirits. You will find the guys who love guys, the girls who love girls and so forth. The straights are few and far between. Let’s all just sit back and enjoy the gayocity of the entertainment biz and their crappy, meaningless awards shows.

Here’s how the major awards would’ve panned out for the Oscars if I had my way.

Best Picture

The Social Network: I felt it was far better film. Armie Hammer plus Andrew Garfield, well that’s just hot.  

Best Director

David Fincher: He’s way hotter than winner Tom Hooper.  

Best Actor

Colin Firth: Not only is he cute on screen, but he is totally cute in person too. Oh, he’s a good actor also.

Best Actress

Julianne Moore: Not only is she a badass actress in everything she does, but knocked it outta the ballpark here. I feel she was far better than Benning.

Or

Nicole Kidman: I just loves me an ice queen, and now that her face isn’t so frozen in time, I dig her even more again.

Best Supporting Actor

Andrew Garfield: He wasn’t nommed, but um he’s hot. He’s TMT (Totally my type).  

Best Supporting Actress

Mila Kunis: She wasn’t nommed either, but she’s totally adorbs, right? Agreed.

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