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Where the Girls are on TV: Cherry Jones, Jennie Garth

Where the Girls are on TV: Cherry Jones, Jennie Garth

Back in the saddle after giving birth, TV columnist Lauren Incognito wonders what the hell happened on Grey's Anatomy. Plus, Julia Ormond on CSI NY, Jennifer Love Hewitt, Lucy Liu, fierce top Suze Orman and Jennie Garth.

What the hell happened on Grey’s Anatomy and Ghost Whisper?

I took two weeks off to have my baby girl and all hell breaks loose. I understand that by now this is old news to most of you, but indulge me for a moment as I’ve experienced little for the last three weeks but vomit, diapers and breastfeeding. But first, I just want to thank the sarcastic as hell KC Lane who kept the homefires of my objectifying women TV column burning while I was in the stirrups.

Let me just say the crow I’ve recently eaten over Grey's tastes like shit. I admit it; I gave ABC and Grey’s Anatomy creators far too much credit for their “fearless” portrayal of a lesbian relationship between Drs. Hahn and Torres. I’m now gagging on my own words dear readers.

Anyone want to tell me the motivation behind the firing of Brooke Smith, who played hot doc Erica Hahn? Wasn’t it only three weeks ago that Hahn and Sara Ramirez's Torres were having oral sex in the “privacy” of a hospital on-call room? Two weeks later Dr. Hahn’s name was hastily rubbed off the surgery board. Rumors blossomed throughout Seattle Grace that Dr. Hahn had been fired, yet did ABC have so little respect for its viewers that it believed it acceptable to forgo a fleshed out storyline detailing Hahn’s termination?

One theory I’ve heard behind Smith getting the axe is thatABC panicked after Prop. 8 passed. I’ve heard others say the national debate over same-sex marriage in general led the network to pander to the religious right. On the upside, Melissa George, the newest addition and ostensible replacement to Brooke Smith, is smokin’ and surely worthy of some old-fashioned, American objectification for her great ass and bangin’ rack.

Although, from what I’ve read, writers on the hit drama have elected to downplay or rewrite George’s character, originally intended as a love interest for Dr. Torres. I find it ironic that ABC made a point of terminating Isaiah Washington from Grey’s Anatomy for using a homophobic epithet against the since openly gay T.R Knight, yet the show has either downplayed or nixed any homosexual storyline.

Two thumbs way down for the ninnies at ABC responsible for the expeditious firing of Smith and pandering to those in opposition of gay characters. As Ricky Ricardo would say, “ABC, you got some 'splainin' to do.”

CBS’sGhost Whisperer shocked the crap out of me with the death of Melinda’s husband, Jim Clancy. I was surprised at how touching and well done the death episode was. However, since his passing Jim has appeared in every episode, leaving me to wonder what the purpose of killing him was in the first place.

Regardless, Jennifer Love Hewitt wins points week after week for her hideous, yet breast-baring outfits. And for that alone I can tolerate this ridiculous storyline.

CBS scored even more points for last week’s episode of CSI NY, which guest starred a bevy of beautiful people, including Scott Wolf, Nelly, Rumer Willis and the luscious Julia Ormond, who also starred in the Lindsay Lohan thriller I Know Who Killed Me. Ten minutes into that dud of a film and I really didn’t care who killed whom. Gratuitous flashbacks of Lohan on a stripper pole were surprisingly boring and trite, yet Ormond was smokin’ as Lo’ Ho’s mum.

As inspector Gillian Whitmore on CSI NY, Ormond’s role wasn’t especially meaty but it gave us a chance to see her spectacular bod donning a tight black power suit and low-cut blouse. Without a doubt, Ormond is the hottest thing I’ve seen saunter across East 34th Street in a long time.

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It seemsABC has pulled the plug on Dirty Sexy Money. Strike two for the network. While she never had any tawdry or lascivious girl-on-girl sex scenes with Lucy Liu, who plays Nola Lyons on DSM, I know I’ll sure miss watching Natalie Zea, who plays Karen Darling, getting nailed in a hot shower and walking around in barley-there panties and porn-star quality bustiers. Someone pass the Listerine® because ABC has left a really bad taste in my filthy mouth.

Fox commanded primetime last Sunday with the airing of 24 Redemption, a two-hour movie event intended to bridge season six with season seven, scheduled to begin in early January. Tennessee native and out lesbian Cherry Jones has joined the series as the President Elect. Cherry and I share a mutual friend, and I’ve had the fortune of interviewing the two-time Tony Award-Winner in the past. I’d feel disrespectful saying anything tawdry about Jones, which is too bad really because the gal is downright sexy as the newest White House politico. While Jones is married on the series to a man, let me just say I wouldn’t mind a scandal if it involved Jones, a White House intern and a little blue dress.

The next couple of selections may require you to keep somewhat of an open mind as they are not shows known for their gal-on-gal canoodling, or representative of girls with tight asses and enormous knobs: Are You Smarter Than A Fifth Grader? And The Suze Orman Show.

I ask you, what could be more of a turn on than a gal using only her tongue to tie a knot in a cherry stem? How bout a gal with a grownup bank account? I don’t know about you, but I’m a sucker for a woman who can pay all of her bills and still indulge in a nice evening on the town.

Suddenly Suze Orman seems rather sexy, huh? And why shouldn’t she… after all, the openly gay money guru is one of the most respected authors and orators of all things financial. I admit, Orman isn’t the first lass who comes to mind when I consider an after-hour smut-fest, but anyone as skilled and intelligent as Orman in matters of finances and retirement planning is wildly sexy and a super turn on. I don’t know about you, but I sure wouldn’t mind having a crack at that little nest egg.


Jennie Garth may not be smarter than those adorable miniature fifth grade brainiacs, but she sure as hell may have become the object of their affection after her turn on the show to raise money for the American Heart Association. Decked out in a tight-fitting black skirt and red blouse Garth was the embodiment of the hot classroom teacher we all secretly fantasized about over a lukewarm lunch in the school cafeteria. Garth’s pursed lips and heaving cleavage were ridiculously sexy as she searched her brain for an answer to a third grade social studies question. Who cares if she blew the question, half the fun was watching the 90210 beauty squirm in the hot seat.

Thumbs up to Garth for walking with $100,000 and for making me feel like an infatuated schoolgirl again. It was in between paste-eating and class trips to the roller rink that I first realized I was a homo. Thanks for the memories Jennie!

Miss the last "Where the Girls Are on TV"? Read it here.

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Lauren Incognito