Your lady of the hour, Ms. Lauren Incognito, who usually delivers the scoop on where the girls are on television, is off for the week...taking care of her newborn baby...again. How long do you have to take care of those things? It's already been, like, months. Anyways, someday I will have to ask myself why I am always readily available to fill in for her. Do I ever have a date? Do I ever have a life? Whatever.
Dollhouse was a huge upset last week. But who care about the damn storyline? I just wanted to see Eliza Dushku get naked and tell me all the dirty, little things she wants to do to me while I am tied up Hannibal Lecter-style. There's nothing wrong with that, by the way.
Last week, doll Dushku went undercover as a back up singer to help rocker-babe Rayna Russell (Jaime Lee Kirchner) out with her creepy stalker. But it turned out that the rock star actually had a death wish and wanted her stalker to kill her. Stupid!Â
But, Kirchner is one smokin' girl with killer abs, so that made it worth tuning in. Not only does she have a hot bod but she can sing, dance and act. What are the odds of a quadruple threat in this pop-schlock entertainment world we live in? I'm going to quote Meryl Streep discussing Viola Davis at the SAG's and say of Kirchner, "Somebody give this woman a movie." Yep, maybe I'm just being shallow and want to eye her some more but who can blame me?
Oh, and Dushku decked a dude in the nuts. Not interesting. So, in my fantasy, I am all tied up, nice and tight...whatever, like you care.
If you missed the Lifetime network television premiere of America starring all-out children's advocate Rosie O'Donnell about the foster care system in, well, America...then it is sure to air again, so set your Tivo. Admittedly, I am a total sucker for Lifetime movies. I mean, when Candace Cameron-before she got hot and then turned into a homo-hating Born Again-was being abused by her teenage boyfriend played by Fred Savage from the Wonder Years I was sadly intrigued. And Melissa Gilbert was great in all the Lifetime movies ever made-ever.
But Rosie O was simply splendid as a residential treatment counselor for displaced kids in America. And Rosie, moving beyond her usual Haiku blog style of writing, also wrote the script for it. Â Honestly, this woman is an exemplary human being with her dedication to helping children in need. You go girl!
Rosie also appeared on The Tyra Banks Show to talk about the film. She discussed topics ranging from weight to foster care to family. That was all fine and dandy, but the best part was when Ms. Banks brought up the infamous social networking site, Facebook. This was so priceless.
Tyra asked the lesbian actress, "Are you on Facebook?" When Rosie told the former supermodel that she was indeed not on the site, it only fueled Tyra's weirdness, "You're not? I would so want to be your friend on Facebook! You should set up a fake account and, like, we could just be friends on Facebook!" Like, totally, Tyra!
Which only left me to wonder why "real life" friends lack importance for the talk show diva. It was good shit though because Rosie replied with something to the effect of her not having time, being that she has a wife to tend to, kids to watch over...you know, it's called a life Tyra? The best part was Rosie's expression; she really didn't know what to make of Tyra's overzealous enthusiasm for the online world of pretend.
Then suddenly, regarding Facebook, yet again, Tyra says, "I'm obsessed with it now, I have, like, a fake name on there!" When her audience giggled uncomfortably, she says, "I'm not telling you all the name." Oh, pretty please Tyra! I just won't be able to sleep tonight if I can't see who wrote on your wall! I have a feeling the sound of crickets might put me to sleep.
Moving on. Law & Order: SVU may have a few hot lesbian tricks up their sleeves, although reports can neither confirm or deny that a possible lesbian storyline may be in the works. Now, don't quote me but those gals over at AfterEllen picked up an interview with Stephanie March, who plays Alex Cabot on the hit NBC crime show, and she confirms that she will be back for several more episodes beginning March 10. Back for what, you ask? Well, when asked about a possible love hook-up with Olivia Benson (Mariska Hargitay), March said, "I'm not saying we're not...I'm not saying we're not in love." Well, what are you saying?
Seriously, my Tivo has just spit out my season's pass for SVU, saying, "keyword lesbian not found", but I'm not exactly going to miss this if and when it happens. But realistically people, I am not holding my breath. Call me a pessimist, but have I not been royally screwed over in the past when it comes to semi-proposed lesbian storylines?
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In an accidental perfect segue attempt, Guiding Light has given me a lasting impression of my childhood traumas when I remember fondly, cute little Carrie N**** in her little uniform by the tetherball court in the 6th grade, only to wake up realizing that alas, with all the Catholic schooling, I was completely and utterly confused. Didn't I just see Natalia and Olivia become more than roomies? I feel like I am imagining things.
Thankfully Cooper is dead, now maybe we can get back to some real action. With my bad luck lately, he'll probably be back as a ghost. Oh my Lord, will he be back as a ghost? I mean, seriously, sometimes I am genuinely surprised that my spell check doesn't underline the word "lesbian" with a squiggly red line.
Which brings me to...All My Children. Last time I turned on All My Confused Lesbians, Reese (Tamara Braun) and Bianca (Eden Riegel) were not caught in any lip locks as of late. Umm, didn't they get married? After kissing her ex Zach, Reese is now afraid of him and honestly, I only watch to see Braun's cute mug on my big ass Sony screen anyway. But really, Pine Valley just ain't what it used to be!
The L Word is a whole other entity in and of itself. That being the case, I will leave the television recaps to the sexy SheWired Senior Editor, Tracy Gilchrist, who will thoroughly examine each character and sex position carefully before attempting them at home and then writing about them.
I will say this about the steamy sex scene on the L Word a few weeks ago between Helena (Rachel Shelley) and Dylan (Alexandra Hedison) that last week's television column reporter-your girl, Lauren Incognito-commented on.
Incognito wrote, "So for now it seems Helena and Dylan are back together. For me, it was an odd sex scene. I'm sure it was some artsy filming--some noir thing I'm too ignorant to grasp--but it was way too long and silent. Surprisingly, I could take only so much before I had to get up and refill my bowl with Kettle Corn."
Oh, Lauren. Dear sweet baby-toting Milf. That sex scene was hotter than my beautiful left breast in the hands of Angelina Jolie. Less is always more in my book and sometimes sex can be so physically stunning and jarring that there truly are no words spoken in the act. Oh, and kettle corn is really bad for your teeth.
