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We NEED these actors in a chaotic movie about the nightmare Willy Wonka Experience

We NEED these actors in a chaotic movie about the nightmare Willy Wonka Experience

Willy Wonka Experience; Timothee Chalamet; Kate McKinnon
@f0X_j3n/X; Courtesy of Warner Bros. Pictures; Shutterstock

Willy's Chocolate Experience may have bombed, but it lives on in our nightmares.

rachelkiley

The Willy Wonka knock-off event that terrorized children in Glasgow, Scotland, has continued to be the subject of social media’s horrified delight.

For anyone just catching up, the short version is that a company put on an event so underwhelming and scammy that police were actually called. The actors involved have spoken out online, making it clear they were as in the dark about what was going on with Willy’s Chocolate Experience as the parents and kids who showed up, hoping for a colorfully immersive experience and finding only the stuff of drab nightmares instead.

It’s outlasted the usual 24-hour news cycle in part because everyone loves a good train wreck — especially one so memeable. And also because new information keeps getting uncovered, such as the 15-page script allegedly given to actors two days before the event.

“We had one night to learn it, then on the day of the event we were told to abandon it and just improvise,” one actor wrote on Facebook, suggesting it was “definitely AI generated.”

In addition to being bland and requiring a large amount of set design that clearly did not happen, the script also treated the audience members as characters playing a predefined role, and took some…liberties in terms of what’s possible in a live event.

With as entertaining as this has all been, some people are already calling for Hollywood to turn the disaster into a production of some sort -- including Karen Gillan, who graciously volunteered to be a part of the project.

And sure, there are complications surrounding that, including the question of how much this could end up bumping up against Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, not wanting the man allegedly behind everything — Billy Coull — to make any profit, and the fact that dealing with AI-generated anything when it comes to copyright is still very much in flux.

But that isn’t going to stop us from thinking about who we would love to see take on these knock-off characters in a feature film production exploring what the hell happened. Gillan would make a phenomenal choice for literally any of the roles, but who else could step into the chaos? Let's brainstorm!

Lil Nas X

Willy McDuff — the Wonka knock-off himself — is described simply as “a character of eccentric charm and wit.”

We've definitely got a few options for Willy, but no matter what direction you want to take that character in, Lil Nas could for sure pull it off.

Natasha Lyonne

Natasha would also make a flawless choice for Willy McDuff. She could definitely frighten some children.

Bowen Yang

Surely this is going to be an SNL skit this weekend anyway, right? Bowen would have the leading role in the bag.

Lady Gaga

Honestly, why isn't the version of this with Lady Gaga as Willy McDuff already in production?

Aubrey Plaza

Next up, we have the "Wonkidoodles," which one can only assume are the equivalent of Oompa Loompas. Have you seen the pictures? C'mon, practically made for Aubrey Plaza.

Reneé Rapp

I don't really know how to explain this, but Reneé Rapp would also make a perfect Wonkidoodle. Just go with it.

Kate McKinnon

For the role of The Unknown, a masked "evil chocolate maker" out to steal McDuff's Anti-Gravity Gobstopper so that parents can no longer clean their children's rooms, Kate McKinnon is the only choice. A truly phenomenal role.

The cast of 'Bottoms'

Since the role of 'audience' is, in fact, written into the script, we're going to need the entire cast of Bottoms to step up for that.

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Rachel Kiley

Rachel Kiley is presumably a writer and definitely not a terminator. She can usually be found crying over queerbaiting in the Pitch Perfect franchise or on Twitter, if not both.

Rachel Kiley is presumably a writer and definitely not a terminator. She can usually be found crying over queerbaiting in the Pitch Perfect franchise or on Twitter, if not both.