If Chick-Fil-A is known for anything, it’s piping hot homophobia, oops, we mean chicken. But funding politicians who hate gays (although they have reportedly stopped. We’ll see, Mary, we’ll see) and serving up nuggies are just the beginning of the burgeoning empire, as the company has just announced it’s launching a streaming service.
Yeah, OK, sure, that makes PERFECT sense.
Shall we all remember the last abomination that arose from a fast food chain breaking into the entertainment biz? It’s called Mac and Me, and it’s the most upsetting thing McDonalds created since pink slime.
Well, apparently Chick-Fil-A saw that and said, “Hold my banana pudding milkshake.” Last week,Deadlinereported that the fast food chain has reportedly been “working with a number of major production companies, including some of the studios, to create family-friendly shows” and reality TV.
This got us thinking: Why mock them when we could join them? So we cooked up some extra crunchy TV ideas that we think they would just crow over. So Chick-Fil-A, if you’re listening (and by that we mean the one self-hating closeted exec who’s reading this in Incognito Mode), do we have some ideas for you.
Here are 10 shows we’d love to Chick-Fil-A and chill to.
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The pitch: It’s pretty much RuPaul’s Drag Race, but behind the judges table is Rudy Ghouliani (Rudy’s drag name), Kellyanne Conway, and this couch that JD Vance definitely never had sex with (wink, wink). Each week, Republican drag divas face off in a series of challenges like ‘spin that Trump talking point’, ‘talk like a human in a donut shop’, or serve Confederate realness. Sure, conservatives say they just HATE drag and yet, they can’t stop putting on heels and a nice red lippie. Hey, even booger drag deserves a crown.
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The pitch: Each week on this competition gameshow, two contestants compete first to see who can forge the most lethal electrified weapon they can for underwater use. Then, we throw them in the water to test it against a shark. Survivors get the Presidential Medal of Freedom (you know, the better award); losers, well, they were suckers anyway for getting injured, amirite?
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The pitch: Hulk Hogan stars as a down-on-his-luck NFL coach who tries to get a fresh start coaching a local team in Charlottesville, Va. But when the stadium is at risk of being bought out and demolished by an evil beer magnate, he succeeds at bringing the town together for a march through the city chanting “Brews will not replace us.”
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The pitch: Roger Stone teaches young kids life lessons in his conspiracy book-filled house, then takes them on a magical trip to the land of ‘How It Should Be’ in his model Tesla Cybertruck. There they meet such colorful characters as the Nixon tattoo on his back and his puppet friend Cucky the talking fedora!
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The pitch: JD Vance invites his most fascinating friends to chat about the hot topics in their lives, like what donut order “makes sense,” or the best way to track your friends and families’ menstrual cycles. And yes, he does insist on spinning the couch around and sitting backwards like a “cool” guidance counselor ready to rap, but don’t worry about it, it’s definitely not weird.
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The pitch: Four best friends in their prime premenopausal, child rearing years dodge and weave sexual opportunities with a series of very ‘nice’ guys. It’s all of the “ladies, aren’t they crazy?” comedy we just love, with none of that pesky intercourse. Also, they probably shouldn’t have jobs… or ideas… maybe they should just find a nice husband.
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The pitch: Let’s be honest, there’s been a big quiverfull hole in our hearts since 19 and Counting went off the air for horrifying reasons. Time for a family-friendly reboot with another ‘pious’ brood with a ton of kids. But why stop at 19? Let’s find one in the triple digits and give them a massive platform. What could possibly go wrong?
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The pitch:Trad Wife Swap is basically Wife Swap, but the hot new innovation in this throwback series is the women are so interchangeable the families don’t even notice a difference. Wholesome, traditional comedy and hijinks ensue!
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The pitch: Do you like your women the way you like your coffee… i.e., as an object? Oh boy do we have the PURRFECT show for you. In it, some real “alpha males” shoot their shot at women who have the audacity to be unmarried, have cats, and, worst of all, a sense of self-worth. It goes about as well as you would expect, but the internet loves cats, so maybe there’d be good memes?
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The pitch: It’sAntiques Roadshow except it’s Ginni Thomas screeching about Pride flags, rolling around in ecstasy atop Confederate and ‘Don’t Tread on Me’ flags and giving instructions on the proper time to turn your flag upside down. Best of all, it won’t cost Chick-Fil-A a dime because the series is funded by billionaires with active cases currently before the U.S. Supreme Court.
